Make Money as a Neurosurgeon: The New Side Hustle

Neuro

These days, many of you are worrying about how to make ends meet (or at least how to make ends wave to one another from a safe social distance). Maybe you’ve been “furloughed” or “laid off” or “fired and charged with harassment.” Whatever the reason, the bills must be paid, amirite? That’s where the side hustle comes in!

A scan of websites listing these types of job opportunities turns up the usual suspects (Doordash, Instacart, Instadash, Doorcart) along with a smattering of other ideas: wanna snap pix of your receipts to earn gift cards? How about signing up for virtual jury duty? Make $ by selling your old childhood stuff (siblings don’t count)? It’s all possible, but let’s face it: we’re talking chump change for the most part.

But here’s the terrific side hustle they don’t want you to know about—you can really rake in the moolah, work on your own schedule, and ANYONE with a basic knowledge of the human brain and a good sharp knife can do it! Yep, talking about neurosurgery! Those platform wedges you’re trying to unload on eBay will go out of fashion someday soon, but restoring a patient’s cognitive function—well, that’s always in style!

You may be asking: how do I get started? Fair question, and one we often hear. Begin by dressing for success! That face mask you’ve been wearing to go to Piggly Wiggly for Doritos? Neurosurgeons have been rocking that look for ages! Add scrubs and one of those shower cap looking thingys, and you’ll be on your way into the OR.

Next: learn the lingo. Look, we all know it’s just a mess of slimy gunk inside those heads, but that’s NOT how you refer to gray matter if you want to make it in this field. So, begin sprinkling terms like: “cerebellum,” “ganglia”, and “tumors the size of grapefruit” into your convos and soon folks will be asking where you went to med school.

And speaking of credentials, just make some up! “Graduated Magna cum Laude Lou from Southeast Western University’s Doolittle School of Medicine” sounds great, doesn’t it? No need to mention that you only have two classes at Podunk Hills Community College under your belt. And even if word “leaks out” (sorry, a little neurosurgery humor!) about your lack of an M.D., it doesn’t really matter. As anyone who attended an inferior, no-name school will often tell you—NO one cares about your Harvard degree once you’re out in the world. And those who do are just elitist snobs—who needs ‘em?

Almost set to go! Go ahead and list yourself on FindMyPhysician.com. Make sure to add that you are affiliated with some kind of hospital (General, animal, etc.) While you’re waiting to be called in to work, make sure you spend that time practicing! Almost any household item can be sliced and diced, from tennis balls to iceberg lettuce. As your skills improve, you can move on to cutting up sponges and lengths of tubing. Don’t forget the squirt bottle of ketchup for a little realism!

Ready? Sure you are! Now get out there, save some lives and make some serious bank!

Elise Seyfried – 5.26.2020

 

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