Category Archives: Hans Kracauer

Crowds on Demand, a Beverly Hills firm that’s an outspoken player in the business of hiring protesters, boasts on its website that it provides its clients with “protests, rallies, flash-mobs, paparazzi events and  inventive PR stunts  … We provide everything including the people, the materials and even the ideas.”

Los Angeles Times – October 21, 2018

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A lavishly appointed office.  A huge overhead banner reads: “ANGRY MOBS FOR RENT”.  A smartly dressed executive is seated at a desk. He is the company recruiter.  A sloppily turned out guy in a T-shirt and jeans sits across from him.  He is a job seeker.

RECRUITER –  Welcome to “ANGRY MOBS FOR RENT”.  As head of Human Resources, I welcome your interest in joining our company.

JOB SEEKER – Sure, sure.   But first I have a question.  Can you let me know what the working hours are?  I find I don’t get angry after dinner.

RECRUITER –  Sorry – in this business you have to be ready to get angry around the clock.  If we wind up working together, let me  make a suggestion.  Don’t have dinner.  Or have your dinner at lunch.

JOB SEEKER – Just how angry do I have to get?

RECRUITER – It depends on what — or who — you’re angry about. Your supervisor will let you know.  Generally, companies will require a higher level of anger than politicians running for office. Of course, the highest level of anger is reserved for proposed legislation. The very thought of it should make you look like a crazed dog ready to rip someone’s face off.   Now let’s get down to your qualifications.  May I see your resume?

JOB SEEKER –  No.

RECRUITER – Why not?

JOB SEEKER –  It would be nothing but a list of jails I’ve been in.  I doubt any of those jails would give me a recommendation.

RECRUITER –  Excellent.  The last thing we would want in our employees is a distinguished employment history.  Now what’s your marital status?

JOB SEEKER – I’m a bigamist.

RECRUITER – What?  You have two wives?

JOB SEEKER – Three.   I was about to marry a fourth when I discovered she was a bigamist too.  Had to call off the wedding. (sternly) I won’t tolerate dishonesty in a woman.

RECRUITER –  Let’s continue.   Where did you go to school?

JOB SEEKER –  I have a degree from Harvard.

RECRUITER – Really?  I never would have suspected you studied at Harvard.

JOB SEEKER – Who said I studied  at Harvard?  I just went to Harvard.

RECRUITER –  You were sight-seeing?

JOB SEEKER –  Just looking for a way to kill the afternoon.  Anyway, it happened to be Graduation Day. So I mugged an honors grad and stole his degree.

RECRUITER – You stole the degree of an honors grad?  Hey, I understand.  You needed validation.  It was just your strategy of satisfying your thirst for knowledge.

JOB SEEKER – You hit the nail on the head. Anyway I deleted his name and substituted my name.  Then I framed that degree and it’s hanging on my wall today.

RECRUITER –  Wow!  I think congratulations are in order.  You boosted your self-image while at the same time demonstrating a keen whimsical taste in interior decoration.

JOB SEEKER –  Fraud is a gift that keeps on giving.

RECRUITER – Now we come to the last part of this interview.  Do you have any problem screaming, spitting  or waving a placard?

JOB SEEKER – You kidding?   Those are some of my favorite things.

RECRUITER  –  Are you at all picky about who – or what — you’re ranting against?

JOB SEEKER – Absolutely not.  I never feel more alive than when I’m ranting at the top of my lungs. The cause?  Who cares!  There’s nothing healthier than giving your lungs a good workout.

RECRUITER – (shaking the job seeker’s hand) Thank you very much.  You may go.  My board will review your qualifications and inform you of our decision.

JOB SEEKER – (Jumping up and bellowing) YOU LOUSY SON OF  BITCH!  I’M CLEARLY THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB!  AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO STALL ME WITH YOUR “MEETNG YOUR BOARD AND REVIEWING MY QUALIFICATIONS” BULLSHIT!

RECRUITER-  (Smiling)  Well done!  You just passed the last test.  The slightest provocation and you fly spectacularly off the handle.  You’re in.  Report here at nine tomorrow morning.

 

Hans Kracauer – 6.26.2019

Hans is a WGA writer living in Los Angeles.   His screenplay and television web site is:  WWW.MANICMOONBEAMS.COM.

 

Vaak, a Japanese startup, has developed artificial intelligence software that hunts for potential shoplifters.  Algorithms analyze footage from security cameras and alert staff about potential thieves. They look for fidgeting, restlessness and other potentially suspicious body language.

Shoplifting cost the global retail industry billions of dollars in lost sales in 2017. Today, retailers are beginning to invest heavily in this new technology.

Los Angeles Times – March 6, 2019  

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WE’RE IN A DEPARTMENT STORE.  A MAN (LARRY) IS IN THE MEN’S FASHION SECTION. HE IS RIFLING THROUGH A LARGE SELECTION OF SOCKS.  A STOCKY LITTLE ROBOT WADDLES UP TO HIM. HIS NAME IS INSPECTOR 77.  TINY FLASHING LIGHTS ADORN HIS SILVERY BODY. RIGHT BEHIND HIM ARE TWO UNIFORMED STANDARD-SIZED THUGS.

  

INSPECTOR 77 – Can I help you, sir?   

LARRY – I don’t see how.  Ever since I’ve been an adult, I’ve been able to choose what socks to wear all by myself.

INSPECTOR 77 – Really?  Is that why you’ve picked up and thrown down 29 different pairs of socks over the last ten minutes?  

LARRY – What are you?   A super-advanced breed of snoop?    How did you know that?

INSPECTOR 77 – My algorithms told me.

LARRY – Your algorithms?   I don’t know what algorithms are but your algorithms are liars.  I only picked up 26 pairs of socks.

INSPECTOR 77 –  My algorithms always tell the unvarnished truth.  You must have picked up the same socks multiple times.

LARRY – This is ridiculous. Why are my shopping habits any of your business?  

INSPECTOR 77 –  Permit me to introduce myself.  I am Inspector 77. My job is to identify possible shoplifters.

LARRY – You’re kidding! You mean you seriously suspected me of plotting to swipe your precious socks?  (mockingly)  Oh no!  My evil plans have been foiled.    Curses! I’ve been ambushed by a mind-reader from the future!

INSPECTOR 77 – It so happens I’m imbued with A. I. – Artificial Intelligence.

LARRY –  It so happens you’re imbued with C. S. – Congenital Stupidity.

INSPECTOR 77 –  Did you know that shop-lifting costs retailers billions of dollars every year? Well, I’m the new weapon against it.  My artificial intelligence software works with our security cameras and we scan footage of every person in the store.

LARRY – What put me into your cross-hairs?

INSPECTOR 77 – My suspicions were aroused when you picked up and kept stretching every single pair of socks on the display table.

LARRY – It’s called testing the merchandise.   

INSPECTOR 77 –  It’s more like committing assault and battery on the merchandise.

LARRY – What are you going to do with me now?

INSPECTOR 77 – Well, you didn’t steal anything.  But by my calculations you could have been moments away from doing just that.  So you’ll have to join that line.

(Inspector 77 points to his right.  Standing a short distance away is a long line of outraged shoppers.  Each is handcuffed and shackled. The two thugs start to similarly handcuff and shackle Larry.)

LARRY – (Shouting) You deranged piece of scrap metal!   You’re arresting me?  

INSPECTOR 77 –  I’m not arresting you.  I’m detaining you. Along with all those others.  As soon as the police come, they’ll haul the bunch of you to the station. There they’ll question you. If your answers are satisfactory, they’ll release you.  And hand you a brochure on how to behave and not behave when you’re shopping.

(Suddenly a man — obviously in a towering rage — walks up to Inspector 77.  This is Mr. Farnsworth, the president of the department store.)

FARNSWORTH – Inspector 77!  (Pointing to the long line of handcuffed and shackled shoppers.)  Have you taken leave of your senses?  (Going nose to nose with him) Of course I’m assuming you even possess any senses that you can take your leave from!

INSPECTOR 77 –  I’m only doing my job, Mr. Farnsworth. Each shopper there has behaved in a manner I am programmed to recognize as suspicious.  I am only detaining them until the police arrive.

FARNSWORTH –  You digital asshole!  Look in front of you!  You’ve arrested almost half the customers in this department store!

INSPECTOR 77 – Why does everyone use the word “arrest?”  I’m only holding them for questioning.

FARNSWORTH – (Grabbing Inspector 77 and shaking him) Moron!  You’ve deprived all these people of their freedom. Particularly their freedom  to wander up and down the aisles and purchase my merchandise.  Do you know what they’ll do when they’re released? (Almost apoplectic) They’ll sue me! They’ll sue the store! The media will crucify us 24 hours a day!  Lawsuits will fly from coast to coast like there’s no tomorrow. (Shaking Inspector 77’s body again) Nobody will rest until we’re completely out of business.

INSPECTOR 77 (to the two uniformed thugs) – Take him away!

FARNSWORTH – WHAT?   You’re taking me — your employer — into custody?  

INSPECTOR 77 –  Sorry, Mr. Farnsworth.  But my algorithms tell me that your physical behavior exhibits all the signs that require me to forcibly apprehend you.

(Suddenly another robot — twice as tall as Inspector 77 — appears.  He too has a sleek, silvery body with tiny flashing lights all over his body. This is Inspector 78.  He moves directly in front of Inspector 77.)

INSPECTOR 77 – (astonished) Who are you?

INSPECTOR 78 –  I am Inspector 78.  I have bad news for you.  Headquarters has taken note of your deficiencies and developed a better, more advanced model of you.  I am that model.

Inspector 77 – You mean —-

Inspector 78 – That’s right.  You’re now defunct. Headquarters wants you to report back immediately. (To the two thugs)  Go and remove everyone’s handcuffs and shackles. (the two thugs start doing that.)

INSPECTOR 77 –  Then I guess —

INSPECTOR 78 –  Correct. You can’t stop the relentless forward thrust of progress.  Be it a newer version of a car, a computer or a robot. (addressing the entire assemblage)  My company’s apologies to all of you.  If you wish to file a lawsuit … our lawyers will be happy to meet with your lawyers and reach a just compensation.

INSPECTOR 77 (He moves off slightly and starts singing.  The song is from “The Sound Of Music”. Its title?   “ So Long, Farewell”. He accompanies himself by dancing the same steps as the Von Trapp children in the movie.)

So long, Farewell, Aufwiedersehn, Goodbye

(As he dances, he sings the entire song before he turns and disappears.)

 

Hans Kracauer – 5.13.2019

Hans is a WGA writer living in Los Angeles.   His screenplay and television web site is:  WWW.MANICMOONBEAMS.COM.