Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman has just confirmed what America has long suspected – that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple. Sources tell us that they’ve, in fact, been happily married for years! Their prenup has been leaked to us by a Muppet whose identify we’ve promised not to reveal, in return for a batch of warm chocolate chip cookies. We’ve learned that, should the couple break up:
Ernie will stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street. Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.
Bert gets the Madonna albums. The Scissors Sister CDS go to Ernie.
The parties will share join custody of the rubber ducky and the autographed John Barrowman photo collection.
Bert gets to keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit given to him as an engagement gift.
All vertically striped shirts acquired during the course of the marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped shirts go to Ernie.
Bert promises not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child Elmo during interviews on “The View.” Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of Sesame Street.”
Custody of the letters A, Q, H, and W go to Bert. Custody of the numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.
Ernie will refrain from mentioning Bert’s therapy for OCD in connection with his out-of-control paperclip and bottle cap collecting, as well as his obsession with the letter W.
Song royalties, as well as the extensive collection of Muppet Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for “Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to Ernie’s mom.)
Sales of Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly forbidden.
The parties will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth of July Barbecue on alternate years.
Both parties promise to treat each other with courtesy and respect, and, despite any relationship troubles they may have experienced there, to continue to tell others how to get to Sesame Street.
(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times. Janet Golden writes humor when she isn’t writing history.)
Roz Warren & Janet Golden – 9.20.2018