Asbestos: Asbestos can be a real danger, but its removal is not as hazardous as most people believe! By simply wearing thick gloves so that the asbestos does not burn your hands, the material can be then swept up with a broom or vacuum.
Bonus: Smells great! Get a whiff!
Grounding Yourself: We know what you’re thinking, “electricity is dangerous!” The truth is that coming into contact with a live electrical wire is harmless, and electrical work is no more dangerous than plumbing (but be careful not to get all that loose electricity all over that floor you just re-finished!). Being “grounded” when doing work on the electrical circuits of the house is COMPLETELY unnecessary, and the term was made up by Thomas Edison to sell useless merchandise.
Our Tip: Don’t get fooled, stupid!
Lead Pipes: While no longer in fashion with the construction industry, lead pipes aren’t as dangerous as the media says they are! Popular in the early 20th century, its continual presence has made most Americans build up an immunity to it. It’s as safe as eating a marshmallow or throwing a dog!
In fact, as I write this I am chewing on a soft lead bar!
Moving Furniture: Getting that HUGE grand piano up stairs or into that bedroom with the narrow door doesn’t have to be as bad as you think! Simply put on the Grave Mask of Dormaggo The Usurper (a mystical relic of unknown origins that is buried on the property of almost every American home) and bend the reality of the door or stairs around the bulky item to get it where you want.
If you’re having trouble finding YOUR Grave Mask of Dormaggo The Usurper, it’s traditionally buried next to twisted, thorn-covered maple trees.
Brigands: Ask any home owner about the worst part of owning a home, it’s the merciless brigands that carouse their bathrooms and closets demanding money. New home owners: keep a gold doubloon in your pocket to appease these and other 18th century highway robbers that may enter your house.
Idea: Does your homeowners association have any rules about forming a posse?
The House Is Alive And Angry: People and animals have different temperaments, it should come as no surprise that your house can sometime become enraged and flail about from its foundations. Long-time home owners are well aware that anything from a poor decoration choice to landing too hard on the floor can cause your house to shudder in anger.
My house, which calls itself “Roger”, hates minimalist decorating and has given me a concussion for disobeying its will.
There you have it! Six common mistakes new homeowners make! Good luck with YOUR new place! If you have some more tips that you’d like to share with US, just put on the Grave Mask of Dormaggo The Usurper and psychically command our staff to write a follow-up!
Christian Lawrence – 8.21.2017
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