VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis has announced, in an effort to lure lapsed Catholics, that hummus will be served during Holy Communion. “I have been watching a lot of Kitchen Crashers, and must say, the Catholic Church really needs something to spark interest. Something besides smite. I thought to myself ‘what would Gordon Ramsay do? Since Holy Communion is the most important part of the Mass, I should start there. How can I improve upon this?’ And, much like how the Holy Spirit spoke to Paul, I was given the answer. Hummus. I’ve been calling it Eucharist 2.0. The thrill of scooping the Body of Christ through some garlic roasted, or edamame-mixed hummus – you know, like that one at Trader Joe’s – is very satisfying!” Pope Francis is working with Mega Chef Mario Batali in creating a fired-brimstone roasted red pepper flavor.
Keith Kolecki – 1.3.2018