Category Archives: Ryan Doris

“‘White supremacy. That’s the problem.’ This is a hoax! Just like the Russia hoax. It’s a conspiracy theory used to divide the country and keep a hold on power. That’s exactly what’s going on!” – Tucker Carlson, Fox News

• Dinosaurs – “Yeah right, like there’s a lot of big lizards? ‘Lot’s of big scary lizards that I see every day. They’re delivering mail, and they’re eating at the grocery store!’ Look, I don’t need some nerd science-tist to tell me what’s up. God invented the earth 6,000 years ago. Was Jesus a dinosaur? You tell me!”

• Vaccinations – “Oh please, nobody actually gets vaccinated. No, I’m not one of these ‘conspiracy theorists’ who says ‘oh they’re bad for you, they cause autism, duh-duh-duh’. No. They don’t even exist. People just go to the doctor, sit in a room quietly with their kids for 40 seconds, then they eat lollipops. And if you don’t believe me, then why are there lollipops?”

• The Moon Landing – (While interviewing Buzz Aldrin) “So you’re one of these ‘astro-people’? You’re a rocket ship man? Uh huh. You actually walked on the night ball? Right. Let me ask you, is it cheddar cheese or Gouda? Hahaha, sure. Thank you for coming on the show.”

• JFK – “Hold on one second. Let me ask you this, if a president – a president – gets shot at from a book depository? And he gets shot in the head and he dies in front of thousands of people in the middle of the day on one of the busiest streets in America?! Well then, what does that tell you about books.”

• If You Make A Face It Will Stay That Way – *blank stare into camera*

• The Balloon Boy – “And I mean this kid and his poor parents went through a nightmare! He’s 80 feet up in the sky in a home-made balloon, and the left just laughs. He could have fallen to his death… I don’t know. I just think about how tragic this was. Thank God he was safe in his garage the whole time…”

• Dogs – “Dogs are just barky cats!”

• Cats – “Cats are just sassy dogs!”

• Global Warming – “Our top story tonight, the loony left is at it again. This time they want to go around to all the farms in America and install giant wind turbines? That act like fan motors to make the earth go… faster? I don’t know. When it’s this nice outside, I don’t want us traveling faster around the sun. Plus they cause cancer. Moving on…”

• Loch Ness Monster – “Here we go again with the giant lizards! Terrorizing a small lake side village in Scotland no less. Those poor, white, people. I say we Loch Ness Up! Loch Ness Up! Loch Ness Up!”

• The Holocaust – “Look, I know the holocaust happened. Ok? There’s no question that millions of people died in one of the worst episodes of human history, a dark spot on the shared soul of our species. It was an unspeakable tragedy and just gut wrenching to think about the horrors those people endured. But the thing that was so terrifying, and so scary to me, was that so many of those people lived their lives in black and white.”

• Crop Circles – “I don’t deny crop circles, ok? I know a lot of people are surprised by this, but I agree, those circles exist. But you know who made them? That’s right. Illegal aliens.”

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 8.12.2019

Welp you’ve crushed piles of beige food and pulled yourself out of that deep turkey coma in the wee small hours of the morning to go wait in line in the frigid late November weather. All in the hope of stomping some necks and snagging the best deal of the year on the nicest tv around. But not every Black Friday deal is worth it and not every tv is created equal. So, know before you go, here are SEVEN things to look for when shopping for a TV this Black Friday.

1. Resolution

Ultra HD, 4K, BLUR-Vision, who can keep up? But it’s important to know, it’s not how good your tv looks when you buy it but more importantly if your tv makes a promise to improve itself in the coming year. Lose some weight, read more, or anything to let you know its not just going to lay around and watch itself all day.

2. Price

You’re going to see a lot of deals out there that seem too good to be true, and many will be. $200 for a 72 inch 4K smart TV?! Go fuck a dog, you liar! But what that price tag isn’t showing you is all the other hidden costs lumped in with your brand new set. Make sure you budget for all your soon to be needed diet pills and therapy sessions for your child’s abandonment issues.

3. Size

When it comes to watching the big game or that new blockbuster movie, size really does matter. Before you buy, make sure to check the size of the TVs dick.

4. Is it Right for You?

With so many TV’s out there how do you know which one is right for you? Well, it’s important to know if you can see yourself in the TV. I mean, truly see yourself. In those brief moments of nothingness, as the channels change, who is reflected back in the black mirror looming before you? Is it you? “It doesn’t look like me. That person is so old… How long have I been sitting here?”

5. Smart Tech

Every TV on sale this Black Friday will likely have built in smart tech. TV’s these days listen to you, anticipate your needs, and some are even watching you while you watch them! So, don’t be a show they’d skip. Turn your life into an interesting and wacky series of events to make sure your TV continues to tune in. Get your kooky neighbor to help you date two people at once, or trick your roommate into jumping a shark over your sofa. Either way your TV will be recommending you to all their smart device friends.

6. Flat or Curved?

A lot of TVs have the curve now, and others are the traditional flat. While both of these options are neat, nothing compares to the TVs that are an absolute right angle.

7. Extended Warranty

A lot of people will tell you the extended warranty is a scam. But look at it this way; technology is an investment. Don’t you want the comfort of knowing that when you pass this TV down to your child in 50 years, once the top soil is scorched and bands of gypsy marauders roam the wasteland, your daughter will be able to bring this heirloom into any burnt out husk of a best buy and get it repaired by the geek CHUDS?

There you have it. Go into this Black Friday armed with the knowledge and confidence to buy your perfect TV. Oh, and PRO TIP, pay the extra money for the power cable. It’s not cheap but it’ll make your new television work so much better.

Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 11.21.2018