HEAVEN – Dropping his almighty head onto the white marble desk out of frustration and looking up at the clock striking 6:34pm, sources have confirmed today that an exhausted God has been once again swamped by another new flood of thoughts and prayers. “Son of a bitch, are you kidding me? All these shootings are a huge pain in my ass. I feel like I am funneling through the same moments of silence and heartfelt outpours every goddamn month over here” wined the exasperated omniscient deity, adding that he may have to work overtime to sift through the millions of people sharing the same themed facebook profile filter. “I’m so sick of this shit. If a bunch of people die tragically, you all should do something to stop it. Don’t just give me a bunch of busy work. I can’t get around to answering your actual prayers if you all keep killing each other” At press time God could be seen starting to close his laptop and head out for the evening when he suddenly received another CNN breaking news alert.
COLLEGE STATION, TX – Gazing in offense at the comments on his Facebook wall while wearing a confederate flag bandanna, sources have confirmed Tuesday that area fascist and white nationalist Tyler Seabaugh is starting to feel a little sad and discriminated against. “I don’t understand. I only wanna normalize hatred with violent rhetoric and maintain my power through institutionalized racism, and people are kinda being jerks about it,” sputtered a forlorn Seabaugh, adding that it has been months since he has been able to angrily intimidate or suppress another class of citizens without feeling like people are against him. “I should get to live my regular life without threat of physical harm, systemic prejudice, or ignorant bias. Just like a normal, everyday nazi.” As of press time Seabaugh sought to connect with other fascists in his area so they could judge others for their skin color and loathe people based on their beliefs in a spirit of peace.
PORTLAND, ME – Shivering naked and frustrated as he misused the wrong knobs, a local dolt was reportedly confounded by the perfectly reasonable shower controls at his Airbnb this weekend. “I put the left turny-job all the way to red, and I pulled up the doohickey, but how do I get hot water to come out up top?” asked the dingus as he struggled to grasp the intricacies of the $50 dollar rig, adding that the professionally designed fixture which can be purchased at any Home Depot was far too complicated for anybody to ever comprehend. “You got this right thingy that makes bath water go, but then there’s a middle guy that won’t turn. Nobody in the world would understand a shower like this!” At press time the numbskull could be seen soaking wet and rummaging through kitchen drawers looking for a bath towel.
VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis has announced, in an effort to lure lapsed Catholics, that hummus will be served during Holy Communion. “I have been watching a lot of Kitchen Crashers, and must say, the Catholic Church really needs something to spark interest. Something besides smite. I thought to myself ‘what would Gordon Ramsay do? Since Holy Communion is the most important part of the Mass, I should start there. How can I improve upon this?’ And, much like how the Holy Spirit spoke to Paul, I was given the answer. Hummus. I’ve been calling it Eucharist 2.0. The thrill of scooping the Body of Christ through some garlic roasted, or edamame-mixed hummus – you know, like that one at Trader Joe’s – is very satisfying!” Pope Francis is working with Mega Chef Mario Batali in creating a fired-brimstone roasted red pepper flavor.
MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO – Putting up a newly purchased “For Rent” sign in front of the suburban duplex and callously ripping down the “Police Line Do Not Cross” tape, area landlord Chuck Growronski was reportedly relieved that his former tenant decided to use the garage as the site to murder his entire family. “This is a beautiful 2,600 square-foot unit with soundproof walls, and you got a railing overlooking the den, so what I’m saying is the guy had options. But now I don’t gotta paint, or shampoo carpets, or spackle any bullet holes. A real model tenant.” grinned Growronski, adding that the epoxy garage floor coating seals in heat during the winter and makes cleaning up blood stains a breeze. “I’m gunna lease this baby up fully-furnished. It’s already got a TV, bedroom, clothes, food in the fridge, a dog, and an adorable little nursery.” At press time the former resident could not be reached for comment, and was last seen at a truck stop on Route 30 wearing a black cap and jean jacket.