“I Am Not Like All The Rest” – My Favorite Lines From Online Dating Profiles

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After becoming single at age 62, I joined an online dating site.  After a year of perusing profiles and meeting men for coffee, staying single is starting to look better and better to me.  But I’ve stayed on the site, in part for the pure enjoyment of reading what men choose to say about themselves when trying  to attract a partner. For instance?

Here are a few of my favorite lines from men’s online dating profiles:

 

I am romantic, passionate and caring, with just the right amount of masculinity. 

 I like to take hikes and catch frogs. 

 I have very little experience with sex. Bondage is okay. 

 I have achieved my life-long dream of seeing the total solar eclipse in Wyoming. 

It’s all about the endorphins. 

I have wealth and a doctoral degree and I want to find my new soulmate. 

I am not like all the rest. 

At 20, my great-grandfather plotted to kill the Czar.

I am mindful that random chance animates the universe. 

I have a deep affection for fresh ground coffee. 

I want butterflies!

I am always open to trying something new. Except skydiving. And playing with snakes.

I am a very handsome and well-built male. 

I was a pirate in my previous life and once a year, or more, I become special.

The woman I am looking for likes her gender. 

I’d love to have a pet elephant.

I can wiggle my ears. 

I am outgoing and spontaneous and possess ample amounts of wit and charm. 

I’m not into Facebook or any other types of whatever that is. 

The only fear I have is of butterflies. Those little things scare the heck out of me. Go figure. 

I’ve always believed that women make life SO much nicer — and I want one. 

Time’s a wastin’ so let’s saddle up and trot down the path to something special…

 

I’m not about to admire your wiggling ears or trot down the path with you. But thanks for making me smile – even if you didn’t mean to – and I wish you all the best in your quest to find someone who will.

Roz Warren – 12.14.2018

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. http://ow.ly/LpFgE.)

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Human Basics 1 – How To Elevator

This is the first of a running series on how to be a human. Today’s installment – how to operate an elevator properly and convincingly. Go be human.


 

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So you got a job in a building that requires you to ride an elevator every day. Good for you! I bet you keep some groceries in a shared kitchenette and took a few pics of that view for your Instagram. But don’t get all high and mighty (pun intended). If you’re going to fit in with the rest of the humans, you need to learn the do’s and the hey-don’t-do’s of riding an elevator. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Elevator? I Hardly Know ‘Er! – The elevator is a human carrier. Like a tiny room that moves you to different “floors” of the building. Sure, you can use the stairs like a freaking Libertarian, but most people prefer the luxury and care-free lifestyle that comes with automatic heightening. Most tall buildings have at least one elevator. Ideally there is one for every employee working on the property, but this is very rare and usually only found in lighthouses, so be prepared to share. As of 2018 there are only up-down elevators. They don’t go side-to-side or large-to-tiny.

Call That Boy – Most Elevators have a call button to let the giant robot that controls the building know you want to be raised. It might look like an upward arrow or just a button that lights up when you touch it. Be excited when it lights up, and say something nice. It’s doing this for you, for Christ sake. The least you can do is notice. If the call button is already lit up, you don’t have to push it again. The elevator is already on the way and you contribute nothing by pushing it again. In fact, if you see somebody else do this, give them a firm solid slap across the jowls like Moe.

Where To Stand – When the double-doors open, that’s your sign that the elevator has arrived. Let people off the elevator because humans are three-dimensional being who occupy space. Step on in, and move to the rear of the car, away from the door. This will let other people onto the elevator who also want to go to high places. Most people turn around and face the door they came in while riding the elevator, but if you want to create a very uncomfortable staring contest, the option is there. Go ahead and pick the weakest stranger and stare at him dead in his stupid face.

Where To Go – You should probably know this before you get on, but you need to have an idea of which floor is your destination. Whether it’s 18 (yay!) or 25 (boo!), locate the number associated with your goal on the panel and push the button. Again, this button will light up, so be ready to compliment the button on a job well done. There a lot of other buttons in this human container. Feel free to push any of them to just see what they do. Your elevator buddies will love you. The door close button does not work.

Movement – When the shared coffin begins to ascend, hold the railing with a white-knuckle grip as you dangle for your life inside a hollow cacophony of doom, taunting the devil through the hubris of man with nothing beneath you but the lingering pulse of inevitability. If you’re lucky, gravity won’t obviously overcome and snap the few flimsy cables and pull you down hundreds of feet into the blue flame of death, screaming the deepest breath from your frozen lungs while strangers watch the courage ripped from your hopeless soul in empty, overpowering fear. Ashes to ashes, truly alone. The final equalizer.

You’re Here! – You made it! Try not to be too surprised when the doors open and things are different than they were when they closed. It’s supposed to be! You’re in a whole other world now. Depending on what button you pushed, you’ve been lifted or lowered to a different “floor”. Go ahead and step off the elevator. Don’t bother “holding the door” for other people to get off first because you’re all going to the same place and the door isn’t actually closing anyway so just get the hell out of the way. In fact, if somebody else tries to do this, call them an idiot and poke them in both eyes at the same time like Moe.

And there you go! You’ve successfully completed elevators, Human Basics 1. Tune in next week (or later) for more helpful basics on how to be a human!

Jack Ritchey – 12.4.2018

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Aunt Sue’s Nyquil-Basted Turkey: Man Finally Wakes Up From Thanksgiving Nap

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Palatine, IL – Jerry Newman, a suburban husband, awoke on November 27 to discover that he had slept a full 120 hours after he had eaten half of the Thanksgiving turkey on a bet. The turkey was basted by his wife Susan using Nyquil as the foundation. Susan had this to say, “Oh gee, I do this every year to calm down the family after the meal. It helps us avoid all the nasty arguments by napping through the evening, you know? Then everyone takes off! I just wish my nephews had taken their naps before they left. God rest their souls.” Jerry woke up proclaiming himself the victor of the 2018 Turkey Bet. The bet involved Jerry gambling with his nephews that he could eat half of the 32 lb turkey and if he did they would have to buy him a Nintendo Switch from the Thursday night Walmart sale. Jerry was able to eat 16.1 lbs of turkey and promptly fell asleep. The nephews, honoring the deal, drove to Walmart but did not return. The Nyquil-basted Turkey kicked in as soon as the doors were opened and they were tragically trampled. Thankfully, Jerry has woken up in time for the funeral and plans to deliver a eulogy stating his victory over the nephews.The service will be held at St. Nectarios Greek Orthodox Church which Aunt Susan is exclusively catering for as a show of her condolences.

Bill Bates – 12.4.2018

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Ralph Lauren Supports Furry Culture; Announces Run For Presidency

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NEW YORK – In a transformative move, Ralph Lauren stores have erected mannequins with giant Polo Bear heads in order to support the Furry culture. When asked, an associate stated, “Ralph has long felt that the holiday season is not all inclusive. In order to show that we stand with the Furries, Ralph wanted us to display them in our store windows.”

The renowned Ralph Lauren himself spoke out. “It is time that our great nation accepts those from all walks of life.” he stated. “In this day and age, who are we to deny that Furries are truly animals instead of ‘humans in costumes’? Who are we to judge whether a bear and a deer want to fornicate instead of be mortal enemies? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.” At this time Ralph Lauren donned a Polo Bear head. “Too long I’ve hidden behind my flesh when I should have flown my fur! I am officially announcing my run for presidency in hopes of lessening our country’s divide. I am confident that my platform of unity will have the support of the people AND the animals! Long live Polo Bear! Long live the Furries!” Ralph then pounced off on all fours.

We had the opportunity to speak to a local wolf who resides in the Lincoln Park Zoo. His gnarls and his gnashes, while aggressive, seemed to be mostly approving.

Ralph Lauren was last seen in the Arctic hunting penguins with the Coca Cola Polar bear.

Bill Bates – 11/26/2018

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7 Tips for Buying a TV on Black Friday

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Welp you’ve crushed piles of beige food and pulled yourself out of that deep turkey coma in the wee small hours of the morning to go wait in line in the frigid late November weather. All in the hope of stomping some necks and snagging the best deal of the year on the nicest tv around. But not every Black Friday deal is worth it and not every tv is created equal. So, know before you go, here are SEVEN things to look for when shopping for a TV this Black Friday.

1. Resolution

Ultra HD, 4K, BLUR-Vision, who can keep up? But it’s important to know, it’s not how good your tv looks when you buy it but more importantly if your tv makes a promise to improve itself in the coming year. Lose some weight, read more, or anything to let you know its not just going to lay around and watch itself all day.

2. Price

You’re going to see a lot of deals out there that seem too good to be true, and many will be. $200 for a 72 inch 4K smart TV?! Go fuck a dog, you liar! But what that price tag isn’t showing you is all the other hidden costs lumped in with your brand new set. Make sure you budget for all your soon to be needed diet pills and therapy sessions for your child’s abandonment issues.

3. Size

When it comes to watching the big game or that new blockbuster movie, size really does matter. Before you buy, make sure to check the size of the TVs dick.

4. Is it Right for You?

With so many TV’s out there how do you know which one is right for you? Well, it’s important to know if you can see yourself in the TV. I mean, truly see yourself. In those brief moments of nothingness, as the channels change, who is reflected back in the black mirror looming before you? Is it you? “It doesn’t look like me. That person is so old… How long have I been sitting here?”

5. Smart Tech

Every TV on sale this Black Friday will likely have built in smart tech. TV’s these days listen to you, anticipate your needs, and some are even watching you while you watch them! So, don’t be a show they’d skip. Turn your life into an interesting and wacky series of events to make sure your TV continues to tune in. Get your kooky neighbor to help you date two people at once, or trick your roommate into jumping a shark over your sofa. Either way your TV will be recommending you to all their smart device friends.

6. Flat or Curved?

A lot of TVs have the curve now, and others are the traditional flat. While both of these options are neat, nothing compares to the TVs that are an absolute right angle.

7. Extended Warranty

A lot of people will tell you the extended warranty is a scam. But look at it this way; technology is an investment. Don’t you want the comfort of knowing that when you pass this TV down to your child in 50 years, once the top soil is scorched and bands of gypsy marauders roam the wasteland, your daughter will be able to bring this heirloom into any burnt out husk of a best buy and get it repaired by the geek CHUDS?

There you have it. Go into this Black Friday armed with the knowledge and confidence to buy your perfect TV. Oh, and PRO TIP, pay the extra money for the power cable. It’s not cheap but it’ll make your new television work so much better.

Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 11.21.2018

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Hamilton Sequel??

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For the last four years the Broadway musical Hamilton has been rapping its way into theaters across the country. If you’re lucky enough to win an actual lottery and see it, you’ll no doubt recognize the opening song written by the insanely talented Lin Manuel-Miranda. Well, not to be outdone, another Lin(da) is hard at work writing the sequel to the founding fathers’ audiobiography. Have a look at the lyrics to the Hamilton sequel: I’m a Hamilton Also!


KYLE REESE

How does a bastard, orphan, son-of-a Conn-or and a snot kid, dropped in the middle of a bad foster spot in East Los Angeles by providence obnox-i-ous and bothered grow up to be a hero and a martyr?

ATM robber, future soldier without a father, got a lot farther, he got a ro-bot partner, and he was a lot larger, he turned into John’s guarder, by 14 was placed in charge of rescuing his mother.

JOHN CONNOR (FUTURE)

And durin’ while humans were being ruined and losin’ and bruised (up in the future) he moved and kept his guard up. Then a liquid robot came looking to tear his heart up. T-1000 was ready to kill, murder, or manslaughter.

MILES DYSON

An atomic bomb came and devastation reigned on man, see our future drip dripping from the chain (link fence). Put a knife down on the table, connecting it to her brain. And John’s mother carved a phrase, “there’s no fate but what we make”.

DR. SILBERMAN

Well the word got around I said “this girl is insane, man!  Put her in a straight jacket and lock her ass away, man! Take her son away, don’t you let this girl explain.” But humanity rests on your name. What’s your name, girl?

LINDA HAMILTON

Linda Fucking Hamilton.  My name is Linda fucking Hamilton. I was the star of Terminator One. And Judgment Day; Judge-ment Day…

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”…

In T-2…

LINDA HAMILTON

Judge-ment Dayyy!!!!

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) Humanity depends on youuuu. (Humanity depends on you). Don’t ever back down, even though nobody can change tiiiiiiiiime… Whooaa

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) The future’s lookin’ pretty bluuuuee. We know that you weren’t insaaane. But don’t shoot Dyson in the braaainnn, no no!

Don’t shoot him in the the brain.. whooooaaa

T-1000

Tell me have you seen this boy? Call me if you spot him. (beat) Another murder committed by T-1000. I’m made of liquid metal, killing me will be a problem.

TERMINATOR & JOHN

We fought with her.

KYLE REESE

Me, I died for her.

DR. SILBERMAN

Me, I don’t trust her.

JAMES CAMERON

I invented her.

T-1000

And me? I’m the cyborg that shot her.

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

You were the star of Terminator One, and Judgment Day. What’s your name, girl? Linda Fucking Hamilton!


Wow! I can’t believe they made a movie franchise based on time travel, which is completely impossible! Anyway, I am glad to see Linda is still getting work.

Jack Ritchey – 9/20/2018

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“Tootin’ Tabby” Now “Tabitha” As Last Jerk From Grade School Dies

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SHORTSVILLE, NY – Eighty-nine year-old Tabitha Richards let out a sigh of relief as she was informed of James Warden’s passing. Tabitha Richards, formerly known as “Tootin’ Tabby” has lived nearly her entire life without use of her birthname. “It was all thanks to that boob, Jimmy Warden!” she exclaimed while gumming a piece of butterscotch candy. “You break wind just one time during arithmetic and there goes your whole identity. Lord I wish I hadn’t eaten deviled eggs for breakfast that day.” Tabitha Richards lives in Westridge Retirement Home where she enjoys crocheting, doing crosswords, and watching reruns of Jeopardy.

“Eighty years I’ve lived as ‘Tootin’ Tabby’! That’s how I signed every Hallmark card, travelers check, and Cracker Barrel receipt. Even my doctor – oh dear, what was his name… The nice Jewish boy with the feminine hips and soft hands – Bernstein! Even Dr. Bernstein referred to me as Miss Toots! But no more. Now that Jimmy is 6 feet under, I can finally live my life as Tabitha Richards. My first order of business: eat some supper. It’s nearly 2 PM, you know.” Tabitha plans to celebrate over the coming months by using “the good yarn” to crochet her birthname into doilies for friends and family.

UPDATE: Just a few hours after this article was published, Tabitha Richards passed away peacefully while surrounded by loved ones. She now rests in Riviera Cemetery where she has been immortalized in a granite, hand-chiseled tombstone with an epitaph that reads “In Loving Memory of Tootin’ Tabby”.

Seth Gersbach – 11.19.2018

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