Hi, I’m Calling About Your Student Loan Payments, You Fucking Deadbeat Loser

Nervous guy

Is this Jack? Hi Jack, my name is Marianne, I’m calling from Great Lakes Student Loan Services and totally legitimate carpet cleaning business. How are you today? I don’t actually fucking care how you are, idiot. You owe us your life, and I am going to guilt you into submission like a wobbly puppy during this strangely polite five-minute phone call, and it’s going to be so damn sweet I’m going to serve it for desert. I can actually hear in your trembling breath that your stomach has just dropped, is that correct? Great! Do you have five minutes to talk, you broke-down deadbeat loser? Great!

Before we continue, I have to let you know that this call is being recorded for quality assurance.

So, dummy. I’m looking at your account, and it appears you currently have a past-due amount on your tri-weekly billing statement of one-hundred twenty-two thousand dollars and sixty-three cents. Yeesh, that’s one horse-tit amount of money, right? You’ll never have that amount of money at once in your entire useless life. And yet ironically it’s exactly what we gave you, and now you owe it back to us several times over. You must feel like a right wasted time of a person. Is that correct? Wonderful! Can you please verify your address for me?

Now, in order for you to avoid interest on this account, I need to remind you that this is a federal law school loan, meant to be used by law school students for law school. Did you actually attend law school? That’s interesting, because if you had, you would obviously be able to pay this absurd amount of money on a regular basis, because all lawyers are rich guys who wear suits and get jobs immediately in big fancy law firms and never pay rent and drive around in Land Rovers. I know this for a fact because I watch the USA Network. Do you currently own a Land Rover? Hmm. And do you get the USA Network? I see. I’ll make a note of that in your account.

Does your work phone number still end in 5284? I see, so you DO have a job.

It is very important to address your past-due amount. Are able to pay that today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year. And since you are currently working in your dream job with a wife who has no demands and you didn’t have to pay for a wedding, we think it’s a very reasonable amount. In fact, I just recently blew my nose and a 10 karat gold bar fell out of my face, as we assume is the case with every person in the world. Have you tried blowing your nose recently? Uh huh. Has your wife tried blowing her nose, or any other dependents?

I see, and I fully understand where you are coming from you lying, irresponsible child. Well, why don’t we talk about your options.

First there’s an income-based repayment program. In this program, we will deduct literally eighty-nine percent from your already sad paycheck. This will be in place until your loan is sufficiently paid off (never), no matter how much money you ever make in your entire wasted “career”. The benefit of this program is that – just kidding it’s awful. All your money is now our money. You made this bed, guy. Now you sleep in it. How does that sound to you?

Well, your other option is for me to put a temporary forbearance on your account. This means you can sleep tonight, and we won’t be coming to break your wrist and kill your cat today, but if you don’t make any changes to your account very soon you will have nothing left to pet with your limp, misshapen arms. This is many customers’ preferred option. Is that ok?

Thank you, that’s wonderful news! I’ll go ahead and make those changes for you, you hapless bum!

For your convenience, and to act as a gloomy horror forever dangling over your entire world, I am going to send a transcript of our conversation to your email. With your permission, I will also be sharing this conversation with your former law school professors and your parents, as well as having it played aloud at your funeral while we pass around a collection plate to all your family and friends asking them to make up for your failing, you pathetic loss of a person. Can I just confirm your email real quick?

Terrific. Is there anything else we can help you with today? Thank you so much for your business Jack. We genuinely enjoy it. Genuinely. Have a wonderful day!

 

Jack Ritchey – 4/10/2019

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Human Basics 1 – How To Elevator

This is the first of a running series on how to be a human. Today’s installment – how to operate an elevator properly and convincingly. Go be human.


 

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So you got a job in a building that requires you to ride an elevator every day. Good for you! I bet you keep some groceries in a shared kitchenette and took a few pics of that view for your Instagram. But don’t get all high and mighty (pun intended). If you’re going to fit in with the rest of the humans, you need to learn the do’s and the hey-don’t-do’s of riding an elevator. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Elevator? I Hardly Know ‘Er! – The elevator is a human carrier. Like a tiny room that moves you to different “floors” of the building. Sure, you can use the stairs like a freaking Libertarian, but most people prefer the luxury and care-free lifestyle that comes with automatic heightening. Most tall buildings have at least one elevator. Ideally there is one for every employee working on the property, but this is very rare and usually only found in lighthouses, so be prepared to share. As of 2018 there are only up-down elevators. They don’t go side-to-side or large-to-tiny.

Call That Boy – Most Elevators have a call button to let the giant robot that controls the building know you want to be raised. It might look like an upward arrow or just a button that lights up when you touch it. Be excited when it lights up, and say something nice. It’s doing this for you, for Christ sake. The least you can do is notice. If the call button is already lit up, you don’t have to push it again. The elevator is already on the way and you contribute nothing by pushing it again. In fact, if you see somebody else do this, give them a firm solid slap across the jowls like Moe.

Where To Stand – When the double-doors open, that’s your sign that the elevator has arrived. Let people off the elevator because humans are three-dimensional being who occupy space. Step on in, and move to the rear of the car, away from the door. This will let other people onto the elevator who also want to go to high places. Most people turn around and face the door they came in while riding the elevator, but if you want to create a very uncomfortable staring contest, the option is there. Go ahead and pick the weakest stranger and stare at him dead in his stupid face.

Where To Go – You should probably know this before you get on, but you need to have an idea of which floor is your destination. Whether it’s 18 (yay!) or 25 (boo!), locate the number associated with your goal on the panel and push the button. Again, this button will light up, so be ready to compliment the button on a job well done. There a lot of other buttons in this human container. Feel free to push any of them to just see what they do. Your elevator buddies will love you. The door close button does not work.

Movement – When the shared coffin begins to ascend, hold the railing with a white-knuckle grip as you dangle for your life inside a hollow cacophony of doom, taunting the devil through the hubris of man with nothing beneath you but the lingering pulse of inevitability. If you’re lucky, gravity won’t obviously overcome and snap the few flimsy cables and pull you down hundreds of feet into the blue flame of death, screaming the deepest breath from your frozen lungs while strangers watch the courage ripped from your hopeless soul in empty, overpowering fear. Ashes to ashes, truly alone. The final equalizer.

You’re Here! – You made it! Try not to be too surprised when the doors open and things are different than they were when they closed. It’s supposed to be! You’re in a whole other world now. Depending on what button you pushed, you’ve been lifted or lowered to a different “floor”. Go ahead and step off the elevator. Don’t bother “holding the door” for other people to get off first because you’re all going to the same place and the door isn’t actually closing anyway so just get the hell out of the way. In fact, if somebody else tries to do this, call them an idiot and poke them in both eyes at the same time like Moe.

And there you go! You’ve successfully completed elevators, Human Basics 1. Tune in next week (or later) for more helpful basics on how to be a human!

Jack Ritchey – 12.4.2018

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No Particular Reason – Episode 7

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In this episode we look into NASA’s new hiring policy and investigate the causes behind Boeing’s MAX 8 plane crashes. Real lighthearted stuff.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

Subscribe on iTunes!

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 3.15.2019

Contributors: Matthew Tucker

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Dunham-ing Down with Lena-ease

Take your white privilege out for a walk. Let it do its business anywhere it wants.

Shake off the patriarchy. Then relax on your own whitewashed Tiny Furniture. Post selfies. For sure.

Say to yourself every day. I’m not fat. I’m thin, for, like Detroit.

Invite Gwyneth over for a sleepover. Make matching gold vagina sculptures. Then screw yourselves. Have jade eggs in the morning.

Remember, I’m rubber, you’re glue. My apologies bounce off me, so not me, it’s you.

Program your internalized dominant male agenda so you can throw pity parties for your ‘delusional girl’ persona.

Redecorate that luminal gray space between admission and vindication. Experiment with varying shades of beige, ivory, and ecru.

Remember, it takes a village to enable a Lena.

Turn on the Lena Dunham Apology Generator. Trend on Twitter.

Rinse, recycle, repeat.

 

Becky Garrison – 3.6.2019

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The Office Spec – Jim’s Interview

THE OFFICE – “JIM’S INTERVIEW”

AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT

By: Jack Ritchey

3/1/2019

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No Particular Reason – Episode 6

NPR is back to discuss the border walls, single people, CGI, and Aaron Sorkin. Hot button topics! Issues!

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Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 2.14.2019

Contributors: Kevin White, Jim Mourey, Sean Peecook

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I’m A Straight White Male One-Percenter, and I’m Entitled to Your Diversity Scholarship

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Dear Diversity Scholarship Program,

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines “diversity” as a “range of different things”, and I, trust fund baby, multiple tennis court owner, and straight white male Francois Rothschild III of Beverly Hills am precisely a range of different things.

In terms of interests, I enjoy a diversity of humble hobbies such as polo, yacht racing, piloting my private jets, and watching my three butlers care for my million-dollar cloned chihuahua named after Bill Gates. Sure other people may claim diversity by simply being born half-Mexican and half-Chinese without any effort, but who else can say they slept with a hundred-thousand dollar prostitute while airborne over the South of France? Now, that’s a diversity of experiences.

In terms of culture, I frenched my Spanish tutor, so I’m basically European. I drank ayahuasca with my personal Shaman, so I have Peruvian tribal roots, and I even exotically smoked spiced chai hookah with a Saudi Arabian Prince, so I’m practically middle-eastern, habibi. Although I’m a straight male, I have watched Brokeback Mountain, so I’m essentially an honorary gay. Also, I once sat in a limousine with Neil Patrick Harris and he said I’m “cool”, so I’m practically part of the LGBTQ community. Yas queen! Again, that’s a diversity of experiences.

From summering in my gold-plated, diamond-tiled, Olympic-sized infinity swimming pool to wintering in my Switzerland estate, I have experienced a diversity of wealth, if you will. Although I appear White, the mansion I grew up in features distinctive Roman pillars, Persian carpets, and a Chinese chauffeur that culturally formed my identity. Also, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandparents’ grandparents’ grandparents came from the ethnic country of Germany, so “Guten Tag!”. (I learned that one from Family Guy.)

As one-percenters, we are a marginalized group. In the same way Native Americans were slaughtered by American settlers (like my forefathers), I can’t drive my convertible Lamborghini down a low-income neighborhood street without receiving violent stares from judgmental eyes. In the same way that African-Americans are incarcerated at a ridiculously unfair rate, the Honolulu yacht club doesn’t have a big enough space for my yacht. Talk about being marginalized!

As a generous philanthropic humanitarian, I have stopped African children from doing drugs by personally snorting lines of cocaine in a Johannesburg nightclub. My family also charitably helps the European economy by maintaining several Swiss bank accounts. Furthermore, since I pay my dealer, who pays to feed his pet cat, I’m practically an animal rights activist. Also, while everyone else was busy working their day jobs to “pay rent” or whatever, I volunteered in the Caribbean to help with some natural disaster aid-foster care children-feed the homeless-cure cancer thing and lived on a measly allowance of $20,000 dollars a month. My extreme lengths for charity have nothing to do with the nice tropical weather, warm water, and gorgeous beaches.

Finally, while all of your applicants claim “diversity”, they are all applying for this scholarship for the unanimous unoriginal unappealing reason that they financially need it. I am the only diverse applicant, who is trying to prove to my brother that I can win this scholarship on a bet for a Rolls Royce. And, while every other typical derivative applicant typed their essays themselves, I dictated mine to our Italian possibly gay butler named Alfonso and had our Egyptian or Malaysian private courier named– forget his name– deliver it to you. That’s diversity!

Sincerely,

Francois Rothschild III of Beverly Hills

Danny Dalah – 1.14.2019

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