The Worst Story in the World

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I’m going to be honest: this is the worst story in the world. This is not an overly dramatic statement for effect to get you to keep reading. This is just a statement of fact. After you finish reading this, you will agree, this is the worst story in the world. “Worst” is a term that’s used all too much these days, but I promise you, this really is the worst story in the world. Actually, it’s barely a story. It’s not a story in the sense that it has all the classical elements of a story, like a beginning, middle, end, characters, plot, etc. But it is a story.

I only tell you it’s the worst story in the world because I don’t want you getting your expectations up and thinking this is going to be a good story. Because I promise you again, it is not. It’s “the worst” as my ex girlfriend (and countless other ex girlfriends) would say. If I had a girlfriend currently, I’m certain she would describe this as the worst story in the world as well. I told this story at a party recently (I was a few drinks deep) ((ok, more than a few)) already knowing it was a bad story. But the reaction of everyone listening, particularly the cute brunette lady I was trying to impress, was utter boredom. Two of the people that heard this story at said party haven’t talked to me since. Yes they are dating, so I’m pretty sure its a couple thing that both of them have cut me off socially, but that’s still two people who used to talk to me that no longer talk to me. Not because they were offended or anything, just because the story was so bad. It was the worst.

I’m sure some of the folks reading this will feel the same, but that’s why I’m being up front from the beginning about how bad this story is. I don’t want to lose any more friends (or acquaintances even) because of this story. This story has already done its fair share of damage. And I’m not even the subject of the story. It’s a story I heard. Yeah when I first heard it, I thought it was a bad story. I thought I could punch it up and add some artistry to it that would make it somewhat entertaining and listenable (is that even a word?). But in the four times I’ve told this story, it hasn’t gotten any better. It’s probably gotten worse. I’m just making things up at this point to try and get people to think its a tellable story.

It’s now so far removed from the original story like a bad game of telephone that I don’t even remember the original story in its entirety. I’m not sure what’s real and what I made up to try and fluff it up. In fact, I can’t even remember what story I’m talking about now. I don’t even think I have a story.

Wow, that really was the worst story. So bad it wasn’t even a story. It was a story about a bad story that wasn’t even a story. Sorry if you got this far expecting a bad story, I don’t even have that. Hope you have a nice day.

Scotty Tremblay – 8.8.2018

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Seven Kettlebell Exercises That Will Make You Look Like A Fucking Jackass

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Hey, look at you! You bought a kettlebell! You must really be ready to do some exercises and be a professional olympian! Well, ok then, asshat. Since you are suddenly so god damn interested in some “dynamic” garbage workouts that challenge your coordination while annoying everyone else at the gym, let’s get you started with these seven kettlebell exercises that are sure to make you look like the fucking jackass you are!

  1. Punch Through – Feet shoulder-width apart. Hold the bell in your right hand and punch forward in a straight line. This symbolizes the punches to your dumb face you deserve for thinking you need a kettlebell to work out.
  2. Jumpies – Feet feet-width apart. Use a resistance band to tie the bell firmly around your ankles, then jump off the nearest bridge into a lake or river, and consider how you wasted your fucking life as you struggle stay afloat. (Just like Aladdin!) 
  3. Face – Shoulders feet-width apart. With your face, be an annoying twerp. Repeat.
  4. Bounce Dance – Have feet. Hold the bell up over your stupid brains. Once you inevitably realize your own horrible decisions, drop it on the ground, leave it there, walk away, and go running on a treadmill or something you idiot. 
  5. Homeland Security – Tape some loose string to the side of a kettlebell, then pack it into your luggage and attempt to fly from Chicago Midway to Asheville, North Carolina. Once the TSA sees the cartoon bomb in your carry-on, not only will they know what a fucking brainless child you are, you’ll burn extra calories as you sweat with embarrassment for holding up the security line. (You’re the asshole!)
  6. Nobody Likes You – Using your hands, pick up a kettlebell. Now nobody likes you.
  7. Pack It In – Feet inside your mouth. Paint a smiley face onto a kettlebell. Then, using both hands, remove your own unused head from your neck and replace it with the kettlebell-face you’ve created. Not only will everyone like you more (because it has a better personality than you), but also you’ll be dead, so fuck you.

There we go, you jerk! Seven kettlebell exercises that are guaranteed to make you look like a stupid dumb jackass. Did your goon-dick idea of a workout make it on our list? No? Who fucking cares! Now get out there, and change who you are, dingus.

Jack Ritchey – 6.18.2018

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No Particular Reason – Episode 3

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In this episode we investigate the use of smart tech in classrooms and the science behind the infamous “Yanni or Laurel” internet debate.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

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The 10 Best Places To Spend Your Summer Vacation (Number 3 Will Blow Your Mind!)

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Summer is just around the corner, which means it’s time to pack some bags get out of town for a bit, and leave your troubles behind. Here are some of my top spots for a fun summer getaway!
10) Seattle, WA
The birthplace of grunge rock and Starbucks has more to offer than just flannel shirts and baristas that can’t ever seem to spell your name right. It’s also home to some of the best festival experiences in the country. Check out the Seattle International Film Festival, the Seattle International Dance Festival, or one of the longest running annual music festivals in America, Bumbershoot. Book a week in the Emerald City and you’ll be forgetting about your ex-girlfriend Karen sooner than you can say “Oh God, I miss Karen.”
9) Valle de Guadalupe, Mexico
A major departure from the Spring Break partying and endless shots of tequila that a lot of tourists go to Mexico for, Valle de Guadalupe is an up-and-coming wine country just a few hours south of San Diego. Perfect for seasoned wine enthusiasts and newcomers just seeking an affordable romantic getaway. Karen’s favorite wine was Malbec.
8) Bora Bora, French Polynesia
While it may be pricey, this island paradise will give you the type of getaway you’ll be more than happy you splurged on. Karen and I talked about coming here a lot. The promise of being pampered like royalty while being no more than a few steps away from a sandy beach sounded too good to be true, much like the love I thought Karen had for me.
7) Bloomington, IN
It might sound surprising, but this hidden gem is more than just a college town. This is also where Karen went to college.
6) Omaha, NE
Fun Fact: Karen grew up here! Be sure to swing by her mom’s house and see if anybody’s heard from her lately.
5) Bangkok, Thailand
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Karen’s apartment is easily one of the best places I’ve ever spent a summer. Even if you can’t get in, the view from the street is wonderful. Find a comfy spot in a tree or behind a bush, and take in the view through Karen’s window. Don’t get too cozy though, Karen (or her roommates) have been known to call the cops.
3) Karen
I want to live and die here.
2) San Juan, Puerto Rico
Not only does PR make for a great island getaway, but it’s also a great fit if you’re planning a trip on a budget and/or if you don’t have a passport since it’s a US territory. Still recovering from recent hurricane damage, now is the perfect time to visit as they could really use the money and while you’re there you can even volunteer to help rebuild. Even if you can’t make a trip right away, please donate here.
1) That Abandoned Hospital off RTE 49
I’ve found this place to be a fantastic fit for me and my needs whenever I have to “get away”, be it from pesky police telling me to stay away from Karen, or if I need some big empty walls to scribble my manifesto. This undisclosed location is quiet, discreet, and perfect for screaming at the moon. Grab yourself some old E.R. scrubs, some cotton balls, and make yourself a life-size Karen doll! Looks like you’re the little spoon tonight!
Well, that’s our list of top places to Karen your summer vacation. Did your favorite Karen make the Karen? Let us Karen in the comments below!
Kevin White – 5.21.2018

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Trump’s Toddler Tunes

When the news leaked that the first time in 100 years the US Cabinet has a bible study, the location and other details of these clandestine gatherings remained under wraps. But our intrepid reporter managed to secure a few of the ditties performed at these studies by various members of the Trump administration.

By Becky Garrison; Photos by David Hayward (@Nakedpastor)

 

https://nakedpastor.com/2016/12/trump-at-the-nativity-scene/

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“This Little Law of Mine” as sung by Betsy DeVos

This little law of mine, Being gay’s a crime

This little law of mine, Being gay’s a crime

This little law of mine, Being gay’s a crime

It’s a crime, crime, crime

It’s a crime!

 

Out there in the schools, Being gay’s a crime

Out there in the schools, Being gay’s a crime

Out there in the schools, Being gay’s a crime

It’s a crime, crime, crime

It’s a crime!

 

Over at the White House, Being gay’s a crime

Over at the White House, Being gay’s a crime

Over at the White House, Being gay’s a crime

It’s a crime, crime, crime

It’s a crime!

 

https://nakedpastor.com/2017/08/are-trump-and-the-church-in-bed-together/

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“Justice I Am” as sung by Jeff Sessions (To the tune of that Billy Graham classic Christian tune “Just As I Am”)

Just as I am, I take a plea,

but that thy lies were shed for me,

and that thou givest thy bum to me,

O Lord of Trump, I’m scum, I‘m scum.

 

Just as I am, a vile maggot

to lose my soul as it did rot,

to thee, whose power makes me hot,

O Lord of Trump, I’m scum, I’m scum.

 

Just as I am, though tossed away

with many are hurting, many are gay,

law and order is washed away,

O Lord of Trump, I’m scum, I’m scum.

 

Just as I am, thou wilt deceive,

wilt condemn, pardon, tweet, reprieve;

because thy money I believe,

O Lord of Trump, I’m scum, I’m scum.

 

https://nakedpastor.com/2017/02/trump-church/

Trump-Church

Donald Loves Me as sung by Mike Pence

Donald loves me! This I know,

For my mother tells me so;

Little ones he really wronged,

I am weak but He is strong.

 

[Chorus]

Yes, Donald loves me!

Yes, Donald loves me!

Yes, Donald loves me!

My mother tells me so.

 

Donald loves me! He who lied,

Liberal commies make my cry;

He will squash away his foes,

Dictators can suck his toes.

[Chorus]

 

Donald loves me! loves me now,

Though I’m very weak and bow;

From His shining throne on high,

Tweets about me till I cry.

[Chorus]

 

Donald loves me! He will stray,

Little girls he loves to play;

He’s prepared a toy for me,

And some day big boy I’ll be.

[Chorus]

 

Written by Becky Garrison – 4.24.2018

Cartoons by David Hayward – 4.24.2018

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Awkward: Two Porn Performers Discover They Actually Are Step-Siblings

Couple fight

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA – In a scandal that has threatened to rock the very foundation of the sibling-porn industry, two adult performers, Brock Banger and Madison Marbles, learned they are step-siblings while making small talk in between scenes where they were simulating that very thing. “Like, when we were filming, I thought it was kind of hot. But now that it’s for real it’s kind of creepy, right?” Brock told us as he desperately tried to keep his penis erect. Madison had concerns of her own, “If I knew he was really my step-brother I never would have let him spit into my gaping asshole.” At press time production of the film Barely Legal Step Siblings was put on hold while the Assistant Director Googled California state laws to find if Brock and Madison’s scene was in fact illegal.

Kevin Casey White – 4.20.2018

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5 Tips To Master the Perfect Spring BBQ

As tax season comes to a close it’s time to forget about those pesky forms and inevitable soul-crushing audit because grilling season is just beginning! We’ve got 5 essential tips and tricks to help make you the Meat Maestro!

1. Never Use Gas! The best BBQ is all about cooking slowly to achieve a delicious, nuanced flavor. Gas will get you the heat but it won’t give your meat that rich, smokey bite. Seasonal Tip: Got a bunch of doctored receipts and a fraudulent ledger or two? Try using those instead of charcoal! Cook your books, AND your famous ribs!

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2. Don’t Look, Or It Won’t Cook! Every time you open that grill you’re letting heat escape and messing up your cook. So, just like how you handle the IRS, try to ignore it and everything will turn out just fine. Neat Trick: Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode during the BBQ and then forever.

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3. Find The Perfect Apron To Match Your Personality! Grilling isn’t all serious, remember to have fun too! There’s so many clever aprons to match your fun personality. Like: “Kiss The Cook,” or “License to Grill,” or even “Don’t Bug Me I’m Grilling,” and it’s got like a picture of an annoyed bug bbqing. Pro Secret: Whatever you decide, buy two just in case you ever need to make an elaborate dummy version of yourself.689308FD-2ECF-44F6-AC35-F2542D2B02E8
4. Make Your Own Sauce! It’s super easy. Most BBQ sauce is just ketchup and sugar anyway and it’s a sure fire way to impress all of your guests! Don’t Forget: Most foreign nations use ketchup that tastes weird. Be sure and smuggle out some good ol’ Heinz classic should you ever flee the country.547B36B5-1101-428A-81F4-A14318230585
5. Use A “Horrible Grilling Accident” To Fake Your Own Death! This one will be tricky but if you pull it off your neighbors will be talking about your BBQ for years to come. Use your dummy from Tip 3 and stage an “accidental” grill explosion that you trigger right when you know your neighbors can see. KABLAMO! The IRS is distracted and you’re already on your way to a beautiful beach somewhere without extradition! Life Hack: Leave a couple molars at the scene to help seal the deal!

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With these foolproof tips and tricks you’ll be the hit of the cul-de-sac in no time! So get to grilling and crown yourself the BBQueen or BBKing… Huh… is that where he got his name? Was he like a great musician and also a grill master?

Ryan Doris – 04.17.208

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