No Particular Reason – Episode 6

NPR is back to discuss the border walls, single people, CGI, and Aaron Sorkin. Hot button topics! Issues!

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Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 2.14.2019

Contributors: Kevin White, Jim Mourey, Sean Peecook

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I’m A Straight White Male One-Percenter, and I’m Entitled to Your Diversity Scholarship

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Dear Diversity Scholarship Program,

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines “diversity” as a “range of different things”, and I, trust fund baby, multiple tennis court owner, and straight white male Francois Rothschild III of Beverly Hills am precisely a range of different things.

In terms of interests, I enjoy a diversity of humble hobbies such as polo, yacht racing, piloting my private jets, and watching my three butlers care for my million-dollar cloned chihuahua named after Bill Gates. Sure other people may claim diversity by simply being born half-Mexican and half-Chinese without any effort, but who else can say they slept with a hundred-thousand dollar prostitute while airborne over the South of France? Now, that’s a diversity of experiences.

In terms of culture, I frenched my Spanish tutor, so I’m basically European. I drank ayahuasca with my personal Shaman, so I have Peruvian tribal roots, and I even exotically smoked spiced chai hookah with a Saudi Arabian Prince, so I’m practically middle-eastern, habibi. Although I’m a straight male, I have watched Brokeback Mountain, so I’m essentially an honorary gay. Also, I once sat in a limousine with Neil Patrick Harris and he said I’m “cool”, so I’m practically part of the LGBTQ community. Yas queen! Again, that’s a diversity of experiences.

From summering in my gold-plated, diamond-tiled, Olympic-sized infinity swimming pool to wintering in my Switzerland estate, I have experienced a diversity of wealth, if you will. Although I appear White, the mansion I grew up in features distinctive Roman pillars, Persian carpets, and a Chinese chauffeur that culturally formed my identity. Also, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandparents’ grandparents’ grandparents came from the ethnic country of Germany, so “Guten Tag!”. (I learned that one from Family Guy.)

As one-percenters, we are a marginalized group. In the same way Native Americans were slaughtered by American settlers (like my forefathers), I can’t drive my convertible Lamborghini down a low-income neighborhood street without receiving violent stares from judgmental eyes. In the same way that African-Americans are incarcerated at a ridiculously unfair rate, the Honolulu yacht club doesn’t have a big enough space for my yacht. Talk about being marginalized!

As a generous philanthropic humanitarian, I have stopped African children from doing drugs by personally snorting lines of cocaine in a Johannesburg nightclub. My family also charitably helps the European economy by maintaining several Swiss bank accounts. Furthermore, since I pay my dealer, who pays to feed his pet cat, I’m practically an animal rights activist. Also, while everyone else was busy working their day jobs to “pay rent” or whatever, I volunteered in the Caribbean to help with some natural disaster aid-foster care children-feed the homeless-cure cancer thing and lived on a measly allowance of $20,000 dollars a month. My extreme lengths for charity have nothing to do with the nice tropical weather, warm water, and gorgeous beaches.

Finally, while all of your applicants claim “diversity”, they are all applying for this scholarship for the unanimous unoriginal unappealing reason that they financially need it. I am the only diverse applicant, who is trying to prove to my brother that I can win this scholarship on a bet for a Rolls Royce. And, while every other typical derivative applicant typed their essays themselves, I dictated mine to our Italian possibly gay butler named Alfonso and had our Egyptian or Malaysian private courier named– forget his name– deliver it to you. That’s diversity!

Sincerely,

Francois Rothschild III of Beverly Hills

Danny Dalah – 1.14.2019

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Childless Couple Really Enjoying Life Without Purpose

Young lovely couple walking in spring park

CHESTERFIELD, MO – After another late night of drinks and a movie followed by sleeping peacefully until noon on a Sunday in their cold lonely house, sources reported this week that childless couple Mark and Lindsey Walden were really enjoying their life without a purpose. “It’s fantastic. We can go out whenever we want, watch anything we want on TV, save a ton of money on college tuition, and never once do we have the awful burden of caring for something beautiful that we love with all our hearts,” said Lindsey through a cracking smile, adding that it was relieving to just relax and never have to fulfill God’s will for man or the perpetuate the meaning to life itself. “I see all these people on Facebook making lifelong memories, grateful for the ability to raise a family, fully committing themselves to somebody who will carry on their torch for them long after they pass, but hey, at least I don’t have to change diapers! This afternoon we may go to the zoo, see a Disney movie, or to an amusement park, and we never have to do anything just because a child would enjoy it.” At press time, Lindsey and Mark were debating about whether a boat, a new vacation home, or a month-long trip backpacking through Europe would work best to fill the vacuous, child-shaped holes in their hearts.

Jack Ritchey – 1.10.2019

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Two-Year-Old Moves Forward With Plan To Scream In Car

Toddler in car

DES PLAINES, IL – Citing his suspiciously quiet evil smirk while being rolled through the Six Flags Great America parking lot, coupled with the obscene amount of sugar on the funnel-cake he just had to have for lunch, sources confirmed Tuesday that two-year-old Mason Oliver is way too stimulated, and moving forward with his plan to scream in the car on the way home.

“We knew we were in trouble when Mason started to kick his disgusting feet into my mouth as I buckled him into the car seat, and the way he started to sing a song, but not really singing, just like ‘yell-sing’, you know? But neither of us anticipated the unhinged shriek that exploded from my son’s facehole once I shut the door to his side of the Prius,” said an exhausted Mrs. Oliver just outside the car, taking one last breath in a moment of freedom before opening the driver’s door and entering the vortex of sound and emotion.

“It’s clear he has been planning to destroy our brains with this howl ever since earlier when we met Bugs Bunny,” yelled Mason’s mother over the noise as she drove, adding that normally Mason’s unprovoked inhuman bellows were coupled with violent thrashings and her husband twisting his spine backwards in an attempt to calm the toddler by sheepishly saying “Hey Mason? We have to try and be quiet now, ok?”

“He plans attacks like this so often, I’ve forgotten what the car radio sounds like. You get kinda used to it though. I tune it out like a white noise machine, only instead of white noise it’s your stupid child’s meaningless questions and screeches.” At press time, Mason could be seen pointing at cars on the freeway and yell-asking nonsensical garbage things about them like “who drives that car!?”, while Mason’s mother angrily read a text message from a childless friend asking when they could go get drinks.

Jack Ritchey – 9.25.2018

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Bill Cosby Demands Fellow Prisoners Clean Up Their Language

Bill Cosby, Norristown, USA - 23 Apr 2018

PENNSYLVANIA – Having reached his limit for indecency, Bill Cosby reportedly announced to a crowded cafeteria at SCI Phoenix that he “wouldn’t listen to anymore of this filth” and retreated to his cell. Kevin Downey, Cosby’s cellmate, told reporters Wednesday that he felt like he couldn’t express himself around America’s dad. “Bill talked the prison staff into getting rid of all of the vulgar books from the prison library. And that really makes me mad because I was thinking of putting Tropic of Cancer in a pillowcase and beating someone with it,” said Downey, adding that he hated feeling inferior to Cosby when making a speech to incite violence. “Bill always says he doesn’t need to use bad language in his material, and I can see him shaking his head when I say curse words to get a shiv fight going.” The fellow prisoner said that it was a shame that Cosby couldn’t get past his use of curse words because he felt like they might actually have a lot in common.

Austin Smith – 1.4.2019

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President Orders Flags At Full Mast To Honor 24 Hours With No Mass Shootings

The American Flag being raised at Penn State's Old Main lawn.

WASHINGTON – With a somber tone noting the rarity of such an occasion, Friday President Trump chose to honor one full 24-hour period where no mass shooting occurred by ordering flags be flown at full mast. “This is a unique occasion, so to pay our respects and honor to this day [sic], I’m ordering the America flag be flown at full mast, all the way up to the tops of the flag poles,” the President tweeted, adding that his thoughts and prayers are with all of the people who did not get slaughtered by gunfire in the United States over the past day and evening. “All year long while the flags are regularly flown at half mast, we will be reminded of these 24-hours, and how uncommon and beautiful each one of them was.” At press time there is no word on where the flags will be flown tomorrow.

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

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President Marks Veteran’s Day By Pardoning One Lucky Prisoner Of War

Trump Vets

GUANTANAMO BAY – In a light-hearted ceremony in front of several soft chuckling photographers and an elementary school group today, President Trump cheerfully marked Veteran’s Day by pardoning one lucky prisoner of war. “On this solemn day we take time to honor and respect the brave men and women who volunteered, and died, to fight for the country they love. But this particular soldier won’t end up on anyone’s table tonight,” joked the President over the prisoner’s desperate pleas in his foreign tongue, as guards lowered him down from the gallows in front of the American flag. “This is the biggest, most tender and juicy war criminal we have in our custody, and by granting him a pardon it’s a message to all the other combatants out there that we will win no matter what. So get outta here! Next time you won’t be so lucky!” The Commander-in-Chief then removed the man’s hood and slapped him on his naked ass, sending him running off aimless and hungry into the dense Cuban jungle.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

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