The Horror Movie Everyone’s Watching This Fall

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Just in time for Halloween, comes the Judge we’ve all been dreading.

Ryan Doris – 10.11.2018

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No Particular Reason – Episode 5

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In this episode we examine the tactics behind Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation and the hyper-realistic details in the new video game, Red Dead Redemption 2.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

 

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Father Unimpressed with College-Graduate Son’s Improv Team

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CHICAGO – Watching in horror as his son Devon actually took bows on stage for that, local resident Dale Hershell, 57, reported Thursday that he was seriously unimpressed with his son’s improv team.  “Look, I love my son and I support everything he does, but for fuck’s sake, Devon” said Hershell in between groups, surrounded by other “performers” doing warm-ups. “He graduated DePauw with a business degree.  Did you know that?  He should be a trader by now.  Instead I paid $40,000 a year so he can go up there and act like a fucking giraffe.” Hershell was even less impressed with the venue his son Devon had called a “theater” just two weeks earlier. “What is this, like a burned out church? Why are there stained glass windows in here?” At press time Devon’s hopes were higher than ever, making serious comments about joining MadTV and becoming the next Will Sasso, while his father silently drove back to Barrington, shaking his head and wondering “what if”.

Jack Ritchey – 10.4.2018

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Kavanaugh’s 2018 Calendar

This week, in an effort to defend himself against several (accurate) accusations of past sexual misconduct, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh offered up a copy of his 1982 high school calendar for the public to scrutinize.

And while Dr. Christine Ford bravely retold her traumatic encounter with the suspected predator in front of Congress and the world, Kavanaugh offered an alibi in the form of some old trash he expected us to rifle through.

Well, we at Waxing Humorous actually got our hands on Kavanaugh’s calendar for this month! And needless to say, it’s a bit more telling. See for yourself.

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Wow, dude’s had a busy September! I don’t know about you, but I sure wonder what he got his mom for her birthday!

Also fuck this guy!

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 09/27/2018

 

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Two-Year-Old Moves Forward With Plan To Scream In Car

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DES PLAINES, IL – Citing his suspiciously quiet evil smirk while being rolled through the Six Flags Great America parking lot, coupled with the obscene amount of sugar on the funnel-cake he just had to have for lunch, sources confirmed Tuesday that two-year-old Mason Oliver is way too stimulated, and moving forward with his plan to scream in the car on the way home.

“We knew we were in trouble when Mason started to kick his disgusting feet into my mouth as I buckled him into the car seat, and the way he started to sing a song, but not really singing, just like ‘yell-sing’, you know? But neither of us anticipated the unhinged shriek that exploded from my son’s facehole once I shut the door to his side of the Prius,” said an exhausted Mrs. Oliver just outside the car, taking one last breath in a moment of freedom before opening the driver’s door and entering the vortex of sound and emotion.

“It’s clear he has been planning to destroy our brains with this howl ever since earlier when we met Bugs Bunny,” yelled Mason’s mother over the noise as she drove, adding that normally Mason’s unprovoked inhuman bellows were coupled with violent thrashings and her husband twisting his spine backwards in an attempt to calm the toddler by sheepishly saying “Hey Mason? We have to try and be quiet now, ok?”

“He plans attacks like this so often, I’ve forgotten what the car radio sounds like. You get kinda used to it though. I tune it out like a white noise machine, only instead of white noise it’s your stupid child’s meaningless questions and screeches.” At press time, Mason could be seen pointing at cars on the freeway and yell-asking nonsensical garbage things about them like “who drives that car!?”, while Mason’s mother angrily read a text message from a childless friend asking when they could go get drinks.

Jack Ritchey – 9.25.2018

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Bert And Ernie: The Prenup

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Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman has just confirmed what America has long suspected – that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple. Sources tell us that they’ve, in fact, been happily married for years! Their prenup has been leaked to us by a Muppet whose identify we’ve promised not to reveal, in return for a batch of warm chocolate chip cookies. We’ve learned that, should the couple break up:

Ernie will stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street. Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.

Bert gets the Madonna albums. The Scissors Sister CDS go to Ernie.

The parties will share join custody of the rubber ducky and the autographed John Barrowman photo collection.

Bert gets to keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit given to him as an engagement gift.

All vertically striped shirts acquired during the course of the marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped shirts go to Ernie.

Bert promises not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child Elmo during interviews on “The View.”  Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of Sesame Street.”

Custody of the letters A, Q, H, and W go to Bert. Custody of the numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.

Ernie will refrain from mentioning Bert’s therapy for OCD in connection with his out-of-control paperclip and bottle cap collecting, as well as his obsession with the letter W.

Song royalties, as well as the extensive collection of Muppet Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for “Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to Ernie’s mom.)

Sales of Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly forbidden.

The parties will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth of July Barbecue on alternate years.

Both parties promise to treat each other with courtesy and respect, and, despite any relationship troubles they may have experienced there, to continue to tell others how to get to Sesame Street.

 

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times. Janet Golden writes humor when she isn’t writing history.)

Roz Warren & Janet Golden – 9.20.2018

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Hamilton Sequel??

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For the last four years the Broadway musical Hamilton has been rapping its way into theaters across the country. If you’re lucky enough to win an actual lottery and see it, you’ll no doubt recognize the opening song written by the insanely talented Lin Manuel-Miranda. Well, not to be outdone, another Lin(da) is hard at work writing the sequel to the founding fathers’ audiobiography. Have a look at the lyrics to the Hamilton sequel: I’m a Hamilton Also!


KYLE REESE

How does a bastard, orphan, son-of-a Conn-or and a snot kid, dropped in the middle of a bad foster spot in East Los Angeles by providence obnox-i-ous and bothered grow up to be a hero and a martyr?

ATM robber, future soldier without a father, got a lot farther, he got a ro-bot partner, and he was a lot larger, he turned into John’s guarder, by 14 was placed in charge of rescuing his mother.

JOHN CONNOR (FUTURE)

And durin’ while humans were being ruined and losin’ and bruised (up in the future) he moved and kept his guard up. Then a liquid robot came looking to tear his heart up. T-1000 was ready to kill, murder, or manslaughter.

MILES DYSON

An atomic bomb came and devastation reigned on man, see our future drip dripping from the chain (link fence). Put a knife down on the table, connecting it to her brain. And John’s mother carved a phrase, “there’s no fate but what we make”.

DR. SILBERMAN

Well the word got around I said “this girl is insane, man!  Put her in a straight jacket and lock her ass away, man! Take her son away, don’t you let this girl explain.” But humanity rests on your name. What’s your name, girl?

LINDA HAMILTON

Linda Fucking Hamilton.  My name is Linda fucking Hamilton. I was the star of Terminator One. And Judgment Day; Judge-ment Day…

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”…

In T-2…

LINDA HAMILTON

Judge-ment Dayyy!!!!

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) Humanity depends on youuuu. (Humanity depends on you). Don’t ever back down, even though nobody can change tiiiiiiiiime… Whooaa

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) The future’s lookin’ pretty bluuuuee. We know that you weren’t insaaane. But don’t shoot Dyson in the braaainnn, no no!

Don’t shoot him in the the brain.. whooooaaa

T-1000

Tell me have you seen this boy? Call me if you spot him. (beat) Another murder committed by T-1000. I’m made of liquid metal, killing me will be a problem.

TERMINATOR & JOHN

We fought with her.

KYLE REESE

Me, I died for her.

DR. SILBERMAN

Me, I don’t trust her.

JAMES CAMERON

I invented her.

T-1000

And me? I’m the cyborg that shot her.

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

You were the star of Terminator One, and Judgment Day. What’s your name, girl? Linda Fucking Hamilton!


Wow! I can’t believe they made a movie franchise based on time travel, which is completely impossible! Anyway, I am glad to see Linda is still getting work.

Jack Ritchey – 9/20/2018

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