Category Archives: Jack Ritchey

‘All Aboard!’ Screamed At Six Amtrak Passengers

Amtrak

KIRKWOOD, MO – During the Friday afternoon “rush” at Kirkwood’s Union Station Hut, sources confirmed Friday that “all aboard!” was violently screamed at the only six Amtrak passengers boarding the train. “There was a conductor pacing up and down the platform like a basketball coach, and yelling into our faces like it was the last day on earth. And yet we were all standing within four feet of each other. How many people are required to constitute ‘all’, anyway?” inquired ticket-holder Mike Enrich, noting that he ended up being the only person in his car, except for the conductor who entered and demanded to see tickets from nobody. “I was surprised when they told people not to stand in the aisles while waiting for a seat in the dinner car. They must really think people still use trains. I was only taking the Amtrak to downtown because my car broke and I’m avoiding the Metrolink.” At a news conference this afternoon with only two attendees, Amtrak CEO Richard Anderson urged the members of the press to quiet down, and that this was far too much media attention than they could handle.

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List: Tucker Carlson Describes Other Hoaxes

Tucker

“‘White supremacy. That’s the problem.’ This is a hoax! Just like the Russia hoax. It’s a conspiracy theory used to divide the country and keep a hold on power. That’s exactly what’s going on!” – Tucker Carlson, Fox News

  • Dinosaurs – “Yeah right, like there’s a lot of big lizards? ‘Lot’s of big scary lizards that I see every day. They’re delivering mail, and they’re eating at the grocery store!’ Look, I don’t need some nerd science-tist to tell me what’s up. God invented the earth 6,000 years ago. Was Jesus a dinosaur? You tell me!”

  • Vaccinations – “Oh please, nobody actually gets vaccinated. No, I’m not one of these ‘conspiracy theorists’ who says ‘oh they’re bad for you, they cause autism, duh-duh-duh’. No. They don’t even exist. People just go to the doctor, sit in a room quietly with their kids for 40 seconds, then they eat lollipops. And if you don’t believe me, then why are there lollipops?”

  • The Moon Landing – (While interviewing Buzz Aldrin) “So you’re one of these ‘astro-people’? You’re a rocket ship man? Uh huh. You actually walked on the night ball? Right. Let me ask you, is it cheddar cheese or Gouda? Hahaha, sure. Thank you for coming on the show.”

  • JFK – “Hold on one second. Let me ask you this, if a president – a president – gets shot at from a book depository? And he gets shot in the head and he dies in front of thousands of people in the middle of the day on one of the busiest streets in America?! Well then, what does that tell you about books.”

  • If You Make A Face It Will Stay That Way – *blank stare into camera*

  • The Balloon Boy – “And I mean this kid and his poor parents went through a nightmare! He’s 80 feet up in the sky in a home-made balloon, and the left just laughs. He could have fallen to his death… I don’t know. I just think about how tragic this was. Thank God he was safe in his garage the whole time…”

  • Dogs – “Dogs are just barky cats!”

  • Cats – “Cats are just sassy dogs!”

  • Global Warming – “Our top story tonight, the loony left is at it again. This time they want to go around to all the farms in America and install giant wind turbines? That act like fan motors to make the earth go… faster? I don’t know. When it’s this nice outside, I don’t want us traveling faster around the sun. Plus they cause cancer. Moving on…”

  • Loch Ness Monster – “Here we go again with the giant lizards! Terrorizing a small lake side village in Scotland no less. Those poor, white, people. I say we Loch Ness Up! Loch Ness Up! Loch Ness Up!”

  • The Holocaust – “Look, I know the holocaust happened. Ok? There’s no question that millions of people died in one of the worst episodes of human history, a dark spot on the shared soul of our species. It was an unspeakable tragedy and just gut wrenching to think about the horrors those people endured. But the thing that was so terrifying, and so scary to me, was that so many of those people lived their lives in black and white.”

  • Crop Circles – “I don’t deny crop circles, ok? I know a lot of people are surprised by this, but I agree, those circles exist. But you know who made them? That’s right. Illegal aliens.”

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 8.12.2019

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If You Want A Diet Coke, Just Have A Diet Coke! Who Cares If You Get Cancer?

diet-coke-introduces-blueberry-acai-and-strawberry-guava-flavors

You’re unique. You’re a freaking unicorn rockstar! Maybe you’re a “wears flip-flops in the winter” type of girl. Or maybe you’re a “dances while people are looking” guy. Hah, I know I am. That’s why, if you want a Diet Coke, you should just have a Diet Coke! Who cares if you get a little cancer with it, that’s just the kind of person you are, bae!

Mmm, that is good. And it’s woke! And with all that aspartame turning your insides into a fuming discolored bio-hazard, you are free to live your life how you wanna live, no matter how short it will be! Maybe you wanna go swing on a jungle gym while you still have the strength? Maybe you want to travel to Rio before your bedridden! Either way, however you do you, do you! Before cancer does you!

Plus, medical science has come really, really far lately, am I right millennial? They’ve probably cured cancer by now, as far as you know or care. Besides, you’re 18 to 24 and you live in America, so you’re invincible. Obamacare? What’s that!? In fact, go climb up on that statue in your floppy hat and sundress, take a cute ‘gram with your BFF, and slap a goofy filter on it! Look at you! That will make a perfect “before” picture!

And did I mention we have delicious new flavors? Because Diet Coke by itself is basically just poison, we decided to dress it up a little for you. Like we do with rats. Mmm, goes down just like all the medicine will!

  • Ginger Lime – This refreshing combo of crisp lime with a hint of savory ginger is sure to make your tastebuds scream with delight, before your actual mouth screams with pain from the surgeries. Fun fact, old timey navy guys used to eat limes on board ships! That won’t help you though.

  • Twisted Mango – Woah, dude! How did they twist a mango?? Haha, just kidding fellow facebook user. Twisted mango is really just mango with ‘twisted’ slapped on front. However, “twisted” will accurately describe your stomach in a few years. Just like a dog! Tasty A F!

  • Zesty Blood Orange – Get used to the sight of blood early, only with ‘zest’!

  • Feisty Cherry – Tie a knot out of the stem on this crispy treat. There’s nothing artificial about this flavor, except all the artificial flavors! After you wash down the combination of tangy cherry and chemicals you’ll be sure to say “that was both refreshing and created in a laboratory!”

So don’t listen to what all those haters or doctors say, you just go and do you. Because you are the only you there is, until there isn’t anymore!

Diet Coke. Who cares if you get cancer? Just drink it!

Jack Ritchey – 8.8.2019

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11 Things To Do At Work That Still Kinda Look Like Work

Work

It’s Friday. Your boss is working from home and you don’t have any deadlines until next month. So… you’re at work, but you have no work. How do you kill all that time at the office while still looking like are doing things so you can justify getting paid for the day? Here’s a few tips!


1) Google Earth – This digital mapping program is a great resource for GIS analysis, directions for business travel, historical overlays, and exploring places you’ll go on vacation then Florida then beaches then other beaches then Hawaii then volcanoes then Pompeii then use Streetview to see if there are still some dead volcano people there.

2) Skype for Business – Use this conferencing tool to ping your coworkers for quick answers or hold remote meetings company-wide. It’s also useful for massive amounts of office gossip, or running an all-day trivia contest with the entire floor. Just be sure not to type anything that contains a less-than symbol next to the number 3, or you’ll accidentally send your boss a heart emoji (and he might not be ready for that yet).

3) Go to the Bathroom – And just sit for a while.

4) Check Stuff Out Guy – Have a walk to the copy room and check stuff out. Pick up a stapler. Neat. Ok, now put that down, then open a cabinet. Everything in there checks out. Ok, have a look at the print cue. Wow, Ian is printing 43 pages, I bet he’s going to do some reading soon. What’s that black thing on the counter? Might as well see if you can spin it like a top. Alright, job well done. Back to the ol’ workdesk.

5) Wikipedia Quest – Log on to Wikipedia to get some quick info on a topic so you can speak to it with the client, but then get lost in the abandoned salt mine that is the “random article” button. Now that you’re reading about Miejska Wieś, the village in Poland and its history in Eastern Prussia, try to get back to the article you started on by clicking only the hyperlinks within each article. (Hint: Prussia > German Unification > Napoleonic Wars. I’m sure you can find your way back to accountant stuff from there)

6) Go to the Kitchenette – And just stand for a while.

7) Excel your Life – Microsoft Excel is the standard for organizing data sheets and sorting information in a clean and efficient way. It’s also the standard for lazy attempts to organize your own life, like tracking your weight loss, creating a personal budget you won’t stick to, or building your own roulette program so you can always win at gambling (which you can!).

8) Giggle at LinkedIn – If you work in HR, you no doubt use LinkedIn on a regular basis to find qualified candidates, but don’t hesitate to also click random profiles and snicker at their pictures and qualifications. This guy added “swords” as a skill, and is wearing a bow tie. (Pro tip: look for other jobs).

9) Do You Have Any Work Voicemails? – No.

10) Set your Fantasy Teams – Most of the halfway-decent fantasy sites like ESPN and CBS are set up with plenty of office-y looking material. Bar graphs, pie charts, expert statistical analysis, and a cash-flow of how your kicker performs over a 10-year holding period. Why if they didn’t know any better, the people walking past your desk might say you’re hard at work, what with all those numbers on your screen!

11) Create a Comedy Satire Website


So there it is, 11 things you can do at work that aren’t work but still kinda look like work. Now get out there and waste your day! And if anybody from Mobilitie is reading this… I’m creating a tracker.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

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Hi, I’m Calling About Your Student Loan Payments, You Fucking Deadbeat Loser

Nervous guy

Is this Jack? Hi Jack, my name is Marianne, I’m calling from Great Lakes Student Loan Services and totally legitimate carpet cleaning business. How are you today? I don’t actually fucking care how you are, idiot. You owe us your life, and I am going to guilt you into submission like a wobbly puppy during this strangely polite five-minute phone call, and it’s going to be so damn sweet I’m going to serve it for dessert. I can actually hear in your trembling breath that your stomach has just dropped, is that correct? Great! Do you have five minutes to talk, you broke-down deadbeat loser? Great!

Before we continue, I have to let you know that this call is being recorded for quality assurance.

So, dummy. I’m looking at your account, and it appears you currently have a past-due amount on your tri-weekly billing statement of one-hundred twenty-two thousand dollars and sixty-three cents. Yeesh, that’s one horse-tit amount of money, right? You’ll never have that amount of money at once in your entire useless life. And yet ironically it’s exactly what we gave you, and now you owe it back to us several times over. You must feel like a right wasted time of a person. Is that correct? Wonderful! Can you please verify your address for me?

Now, in order for you to avoid interest on this account, I need to remind you that this is a federal law school loan, meant to be used by law school students for law school. Did you actually attend law school? That’s interesting, because if you had, you would obviously be able to pay this absurd amount of money on a regular basis, because all lawyers are rich guys who wear suits and get jobs immediately in big fancy law firms and never pay rent and drive around in Land Rovers. I know this for a fact because I watch the USA Network. Do you currently own a Land Rover? Hmm. And do you get the USA Network? I see. I’ll make a note of that in your account.

Does your work phone number still end in 5284? I see, so you DO have a job.

It is very important to address your past-due amount. Are able to pay that today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year. And since you are currently working in your dream job with a wife who has no demands and you didn’t have to pay for a wedding, we think it’s a very reasonable amount. In fact, I just recently blew my nose and a 10 karat gold bar fell out of my face, as we assume is the case with every person in the world. Have you tried blowing your nose recently? Uh huh. Has your wife tried blowing her nose, or any other dependents?

I see, and I fully understand where you are coming from you lying, irresponsible child. Well, why don’t we talk about your options.

First there’s an income-based repayment program. In this program, we will deduct literally eighty-nine percent from your already sad paycheck. This will be in place until your loan is sufficiently paid off (never), no matter how much money you ever make in your entire wasted “career”. The benefit of this program is that – just kidding it’s awful. All your money is now our money. You made this bed, guy. Now you sleep in it. How does that sound to you?

Well, your other option is for me to put a temporary forbearance on your account. This means you can sleep tonight, and we won’t be coming to break your wrist and kill your cat today, but if you don’t make any changes to your account very soon you will have nothing left to pet with your limp, misshapen arms. This is many customers’ preferred option. Is that ok?

Thank you, that’s wonderful news! I’ll go ahead and make those changes for you, you hapless bum!

For your convenience, and to act as a gloomy horror forever dangling over your entire world, I am going to send a transcript of our conversation to your email. With your permission, I will also be sharing this conversation with your former law school professors and your parents, as well as having it played aloud at your funeral while we pass around a collection plate to all your family and friends asking them to make up for your failing, you pathetic loss of a person. Can I just confirm your email real quick?

Terrific. Is there anything else we can help you with today? Thank you so much for your business Jack. We genuinely enjoy it. Genuinely. Have a wonderful day!

 

Jack Ritchey – 4/10/2019

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Human Basics 1 – How To Elevator

This is the first of a running series on how to be a human. Today’s installment – how to operate an elevator properly and convincingly. Go be human.


 

Elevator-Pitch-1

So you got a job in a building that requires you to ride an elevator every day. Good for you! I bet you keep some groceries in a shared kitchenette and took a few pics of that view for your Instagram. But don’t get all high and mighty (pun intended). If you’re going to fit in with the rest of the humans, you need to learn the do’s and the hey-don’t-do’s of riding an elevator. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Elevator? I Hardly Know ‘Er! – The elevator is a human carrier. Like a tiny room that moves you to different “floors” of the building. Sure, you can use the stairs like a freaking Libertarian, but most people prefer the luxury and care-free lifestyle that comes with automatic heightening. Most tall buildings have at least one elevator. Ideally there is one for every employee working on the property, but this is very rare and usually only found in lighthouses, so be prepared to share. As of 2018 there are only up-down elevators. They don’t go side-to-side or large-to-tiny.

Call That Boy – Most Elevators have a call button to let the giant robot that controls the building know you want to be raised. It might look like an upward arrow or just a button that lights up when you touch it. Be excited when it lights up, and say something nice. It’s doing this for you, for Christ sake. The least you can do is notice. If the call button is already lit up, you don’t have to push it again. The elevator is already on the way and you contribute nothing by pushing it again. In fact, if you see somebody else do this, give them a firm solid slap across the jowls like Moe.

Where To Stand – When the double-doors open, that’s your sign that the elevator has arrived. Let people off the elevator because humans are three-dimensional being who occupy space. Step on in, and move to the rear of the car, away from the door. This will let other people onto the elevator who also want to go to high places. Most people turn around and face the door they came in while riding the elevator, but if you want to create a very uncomfortable staring contest, the option is there. Go ahead and pick the weakest stranger and stare at him dead in his stupid face.

Where To Go – You should probably know this before you get on, but you need to have an idea of which floor is your destination. Whether it’s 18 (yay!) or 25 (boo!), locate the number associated with your goal on the panel and push the button. Again, this button will light up, so be ready to compliment the button on a job well done. There a lot of other buttons in this human container. Feel free to push any of them to just see what they do. Your elevator buddies will love you. The door close button does not work.

Movement – When the shared coffin begins to ascend, hold the railing with a white-knuckle grip as you dangle for your life inside a hollow cacophony of doom, taunting the devil through the hubris of man with nothing beneath you but the lingering pulse of inevitability. If you’re lucky, gravity won’t obviously overcome and snap the few flimsy cables and pull you down hundreds of feet into the blue flame of death, screaming the deepest breath from your frozen lungs while strangers watch the courage ripped from your hopeless soul in empty, overpowering fear. Ashes to ashes, truly alone. The final equalizer.

You’re Here! – You made it! Try not to be too surprised when the doors open and things are different than they were when they closed. It’s supposed to be! You’re in a whole other world now. Depending on what button you pushed, you’ve been lifted or lowered to a different “floor”. Go ahead and step off the elevator. Don’t bother “holding the door” for other people to get off first because you’re all going to the same place and the door isn’t actually closing anyway so just get the hell out of the way. In fact, if somebody else tries to do this, call them an idiot and poke them in both eyes at the same time like Moe.

And there you go! You’ve successfully completed elevators, Human Basics 1. Tune in next week (or later) for more helpful basics on how to be a human!

Jack Ritchey – 12.4.2018

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No Particular Reason – Episode 7

NoParticularReason_Logo

In this episode we look into NASA’s new hiring policy and investigate the causes behind Boeing’s MAX 8 plane crashes. Real lighthearted stuff.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

Subscribe on iTunes!

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 3.15.2019

Contributors: Matthew Tucker

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