Category Archives: Horrorscopes

December 26, 2018 · 8:44 pm

Holiday Horrorscopes!

Hooroscope[1]

We all know the reason for the season: There is no reason. Life is chaos. So, why not celebrate the holidays with abandon? Your gift: Your very own ho ho Horrorscope.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Something is bothering you today, but you’re not sure what. Could you be forgetting something? Kevin!

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You could be on the brink of a major move. Expect to be long gone by the time the body washes up.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Opportunity will come from a surprising place today. Expect strangers from your past, present and future to visit you. Heed their warnings. This could be a chance for change, but you’ll never change, will you?

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Does it feel like the whole world is against you today? We are.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Mercury is no longer in Retrograde, so you have no one to blame for your chaotic mess of a life but yourself.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Allow them to celebrate the birth of their “king”. Let them drink deeply, ’til they are full, drunk, and docile. Bide your time, don your robes, and unearth the ceremonial blade. The old ways will return, and with them comes the blood moon.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Take advantage of all the holiday season has to offer. Treat yourself by buying something that you’ve had your eye on. You’ve never felt emptier.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Someone is watching over you. Listen to what this special visitor is trying to show you. What would the world be like without you? Turns out everyone is much happier.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your ruling planet needs you. Return to Mercury at once.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Large social gatherings can seem intimidating, but showing up to tonight’s witches’ Sabbath could pay off with the High Priestess in a few hundred years.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
The holidays can bring financial strain. Remember that some of the best gifts don’t have to cost a thing, like the gift of death. Go spread some holiday cheer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
The holiday season has you feeling romantic. Keep an eye out for an appealing stranger. Could this be love? Probably not, but when did that ever stop you?

 

Sean Peecock – 12.26.2018

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October 31, 2018 · 10:24 pm

Horrorscopes – Halloween Time!

It’s Halloween! Or maybe it’s not. Either way, make the devil proud by reading more horror-themed horoscopes.

 

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Sean Peecook and Bari Khan – 10.31.2018

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October 26, 2018 · 4:48 pm

Horrorscopes

Hooroscope[1]

It’s Halloween, and everything is spookier. TV shows, diners, the dark recesses of your mind, and now even Horoscopes. So we made Horrorscopes. They don’t just predict information about your life… they predict information about your death. And just like Horoscopes, they’re 100% factual.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Did you wake up feeling off today, Aries? Know that all of your insecurities are based in objective truths.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your stubbornness could come in handy today when you have to convince people that you aren’t a ghost. Good luck.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
The time is right for you to pursue the one you’ve had your eye on, Gemini. Live today like there is no tomorrow, because for you there isn’t.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You have it.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
You should feel proud of yourself today, Leo. You’re the only one that survived the killings. Enjoy the limelight, no one suspects you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Someone could be wishing to cause you harm, Virgo. It might be a friend, family member or particular Horoscope writer that you wronged many years ago.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Both you and your partner need to share in responsibility and communication, because if you are going to jail for “the accident” then so the fuck are they.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 – November 21)
Something trivial could lead to a conflict between family members, making you unsure of what to do. Except you’ve always known what must be done, Scorpio. Make them pay.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Remember that every fire starts with a spark, Sagittarius. Look within to see what else you can set aflame. Cleanse the world around you with a powerful wildfire. Lay low for a few weeks until this thing blows over.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
A new career opportunity could be on the horizon, but achieving your goals will require making a sacrifice. Try a goat.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You should be feeling drawn to nature lately, Aquarius. This could be the perfect opportunity to go back to the lake house and end this once and for all.

PISCES (Feb 19 – March 20)
Expect to do some serious soul-searching today, Pisces. There’s nothing to be found, is there? You’re a husk, withering in the wind. Submit to the abyss.

 

Sean Peecook & Bari Khan – 10.26.2018

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