December 4, 2018 · 5:30 pm
Palatine, IL – Jerry Newman, a suburban husband, awoke on November 27 to discover that he had slept a full 120 hours after he had eaten half of the Thanksgiving turkey on a bet. The turkey was basted by his wife Susan using Nyquil as the foundation. Susan had this to say, “Oh gee, I do this every year to calm down the family after the meal. It helps us avoid all the nasty arguments by napping through the evening, you know? Then everyone takes off! I just wish my nephews had taken their naps before they left. God rest their souls.” Jerry woke up proclaiming himself the victor of the 2018 Turkey Bet. The bet involved Jerry gambling with his nephews that he could eat half of the 32 lb turkey and if he did they would have to buy him a Nintendo Switch from the Thursday night Walmart sale. Jerry was able to eat 16.1 lbs of turkey and promptly fell asleep. The nephews, honoring the deal, drove to Walmart but did not return. The Nyquil-basted Turkey kicked in as soon as the doors were opened and they were tragically trampled. Thankfully, Jerry has woken up in time for the funeral and plans to deliver a eulogy stating his victory over the nephews.The service will be held at St. Nectarios Greek Orthodox Church which Aunt Susan is exclusively catering for as a show of her condolences.
Bill Bates – 12.4.2018
November 26, 2018 · 2:28 pm
NEW YORK – In a transformative move, Ralph Lauren stores have erected mannequins with giant Polo Bear heads in order to support the Furry culture. When asked, an associate stated, “Ralph has long felt that the holiday season is not all inclusive. In order to show that we stand with the Furries, Ralph wanted us to display them in our store windows.”
The renowned Ralph Lauren himself spoke out. “It is time that our great nation accepts those from all walks of life.” he stated. “In this day and age, who are we to deny that Furries are truly animals instead of ‘humans in costumes’? Who are we to judge whether a bear and a deer want to fornicate instead of be mortal enemies? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.” At this time Ralph Lauren donned a Polo Bear head. “Too long I’ve hidden behind my flesh when I should have flown my fur! I am officially announcing my run for presidency in hopes of lessening our country’s divide. I am confident that my platform of unity will have the support of the people AND the animals! Long live Polo Bear! Long live the Furries!” Ralph then pounced off on all fours.
We had the opportunity to speak to a local wolf who resides in the Lincoln Park Zoo. His gnarls and his gnashes, while aggressive, seemed to be mostly approving.
Ralph Lauren was last seen in the Arctic hunting penguins with the Coca Cola Polar bear.
Bill Bates – 11/26/2018