SHORTSVILLE, NY – Eighty-nine year-old Tabitha Richards let out a sigh of relief as she was informed of James Warden’s passing. Tabitha Richards, formerly known as “Tootin’ Tabby” has lived nearly her entire life without use of her birthname. “It was all thanks to that boob, Jimmy Warden!” she exclaimed while gumming a piece of butterscotch candy. “You break wind just one time during arithmetic and there goes your whole identity. Lord I wish I hadn’t eaten deviled eggs for breakfast that day.” Tabitha Richards lives in Westridge Retirement Home where she enjoys crocheting, doing crosswords, and watching reruns of Jeopardy.
“Eighty years I’ve lived as ‘Tootin’ Tabby’! That’s how I signed every Hallmark card, travelers check, and Cracker Barrel receipt. Even my doctor – oh dear, what was his name… The nice Jewish boy with the feminine hips and soft hands – Bernstein! Even Dr. Bernstein referred to me as Miss Toots! But no more. Now that Jimmy is 6 feet under, I can finally live my life as Tabitha Richards. My first order of business: eat some supper. It’s nearly 2 PM, you know.” Tabitha plans to celebrate over the coming months by using “the good yarn” to crochet her birthname into doilies for friends and family.
UPDATE: Just a few hours after this article was published, Tabitha Richards passed away peacefully while surrounded by loved ones. She now rests in Riviera Cemetery where she has been immortalized in a granite, hand-chiseled tombstone with an epitaph that reads “In Loving Memory of Tootin’ Tabby”.
Seth Gersbach – 11.19.2018