Category Archives: Roz Warren

My Resolutions For You In 2019


Every year I make New Year’s resolutions and every year I break them. So this year, I’m trying something different – resolutions for other people. Hey world – here are the changes I’d like to see YOU make in 2019.

  • If you didn’t vote? Stop complaining about election results.
  • Supermarket shoppers attempting to sneak a full cart through the 10-items-or-less lane? Maybe 2019 can be the year you learn to count.
  • Drivers? Your car is equipped with turn signals for a reason. Use them.
  • Waiters! Please don’t ask, “Are you done working on that?” Dining out, for me, isn’t work. It’s fun. But it’s a lot less fun when you come at me with that question. (And don’t whisk away my plate a nanosecond after I finish, especially if my companion is still eating.)
  • Cell phone owners? No more blathering on your phone in public restrooms. I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet to be both private and sacred. I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your stock portfolio.
  • Dog walkers who can’t be bothered to pick up your pooch’s poop? Don’t make me follow you down the block yelling, “Hey! Aren’t you forgetting something?”
  • Magazines? Stop running articles about people losing weight and people gaining weight. This world is going to hell in a hand basket and the last thing that matters is how plump or lean we are on that particular journey.
  • Home owners with leaf blowers? Instead of producing toxic noise pollution, why not get a rake and get some exercise?
  • Don’t text while driving. Trust me – there’s nothing you have to say that can’t wait until you’ve stopped the car.
  • Anyone who responds to “Thank you!” with “No problem?” I don’t care if it’s a problem or not. The only correct response is “You’re welcome.”
  • Do you constantly sniff and snuffle and snort instead of blowing your nose? Do the world a favor in 2019 and learn to use Kleenex.
  • People who hug too much? Back off. I don’t want to dance with you. I just want to say hello.
  • Do you chew with your mouth open? Close your pie hole. Do you slurp your soup? Quiet down. (Or I’ll be tempted to fling a fork at you.)
  • Turn off your phone in the theatre. If you can’t spend two hours without feeling compelled to shop for cat food, check your email, or see if anyone has responded to your latest Tweet, maybe you should just stay home. (Or better yet, seek therapy.)
  • Children who have grown up and are no longer living at home? Phone your mom right now and tell her you love her. (It’s the very least you can do, and it’ll make her day.)
  • Library patrons who returned a book late but want to weasel out of paying the fine? Shut your mouth and open your wallet. Public libraries are a gift and a treasure, and they desperately need funding. Thank you.
  • And guys? Can we make 2019 the year the toilet seat finally stays down?


Roz Warren – 12.27.2018


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“I Am Not Like All The Rest” – My Favorite Lines From Online Dating Profiles


After becoming single at age 62, I joined an online dating site.  After a year of perusing profiles and meeting men for coffee, staying single is starting to look better and better to me.  But I’ve stayed on the site, in part for the pure enjoyment of reading what men choose to say about themselves when trying  to attract a partner. For instance?

Here are a few of my favorite lines from men’s online dating profiles:


I am romantic, passionate and caring, with just the right amount of masculinity. 

 I like to take hikes and catch frogs. 

 I have very little experience with sex. Bondage is okay. 

 I have achieved my life-long dream of seeing the total solar eclipse in Wyoming. 

It’s all about the endorphins. 

I have wealth and a doctoral degree and I want to find my new soulmate. 

I am not like all the rest. 

At 20, my great-grandfather plotted to kill the Czar.

I am mindful that random chance animates the universe. 

I have a deep affection for fresh ground coffee. 

I want butterflies!

I am always open to trying something new. Except skydiving. And playing with snakes.

I am a very handsome and well-built male. 

I was a pirate in my previous life and once a year, or more, I become special.

The woman I am looking for likes her gender. 

I’d love to have a pet elephant.

I can wiggle my ears. 

I am outgoing and spontaneous and possess ample amounts of wit and charm. 

I’m not into Facebook or any other types of whatever that is. 

The only fear I have is of butterflies. Those little things scare the heck out of me. Go figure. 

I’ve always believed that women make life SO much nicer — and I want one. 

Time’s a wastin’ so let’s saddle up and trot down the path to something special…


I’m not about to admire your wiggling ears or trot down the path with you. But thanks for making me smile – even if you didn’t mean to – and I wish you all the best in your quest to find someone who will.

Roz Warren – 12.14.2018


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Was It Brillig For You? It Was Brillig For Me!


After a friend confided that his girlfriend always starts reciting poetry when she climaxes (specifically, Lewis Carroll’s Jabbarwocky) I began to wonder just how unusual this kind of behavior is. So I asked my Facebook pals, “Have you ever had a partner who said or did something similarly odd or unexpected at that particular moment?

Their responses?

  • “I laugh when I come. But I would never recite poetry.”
  • “I once blurted out the name of baseball player Bob Aspromonte.”
  • “A frat brother of mine could easily be heard by everyone on the dorm floor yelling ‘United States Marine Corps!'”
  • “Sometimes I shout “Whoa Dogs!” I have no idea why.”
  • “I hooked up with a guy once who, when he climaxed, shouted, ‘THANK YOU EVERYBODY, DON’T FORGET TO TRY THE FOCACCIA BREAD!'”
  • “I once dated a dude who liked to call out the model and color of the cars he was planning on owning in the future.”
  • “I’ve been known to start reciting Shakespeare. But only when I’m really drunk.”
  • “I swear when I come. Does that count?”
  • “I tend to go with the last few words of Ulysses.”
  • “My first college girlfriend always started hollering in Italian when she was in the throes. I thought it was sexy, even though I had no idea what she was saying.”
  • “About 3 years ago, my best friend hooked up with a guy who yelled, ‘ITS-A ME, MARIO!’ when he finished.”
  • “Poetry? No way. Just heavy breathing, a long sigh, then snoring.”
  • “I once had a one night stand with a guy who yelled ‘OH GRANDMA’ right before climaxing. (Which is one of the reasons it remained a one night stand.)”
  • “I usually say ‘I love you.’ How unoriginal is that? (But my wife doesn’t seem to mind.)”

Do you emit a simple “I love you?” Or do you start proclaiming the Gettysburg address? Please tell us all about it in the Comments section!

Roz Warren – 11.14.2018.

Roz Warren ( writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times.

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Welcome To Your Public Library – Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave!

Amy Cheney Alameda County Library Juvenile Justice Center San Leandro

A librarian pal recently posted the following question on a Facebook group for librarians: “If there were a sign that prohibited the craziest, oddest or grossest thing that has happened at your library, what would it say?”

If you think libraries are serene and uneventful places to work, their answers might surprise you:

  • No pulling your pants down and pretending to poop on our American flag.
  • Don’t get down on your hands and knees, pretend that you’re a dog and have your friends chase you around the Quiet Reading Room.
  • Don’t lie down on the floor, pull out your penis and waggle it at old ladies.
  • No suicide attempts at the multimedia desk.
  • Please do not ask library staff if we are wearing black pantyhose.
  • Please bandage all head wounds before using library-owned headphones.
  • Please take your dildos with you when you leave.
  • No defecating in books by authors whose political views you oppose.
  • Do not return our books in “sticky” condition.
  • Paperback spinners are not urinals.
  • Please do not remove your clothing.
  • No weapons, even if they are antique.
  • No masturbating in front of the nuns.
  • No masturbating on female patrons from the mezzanine.
  • Don’t clip your toenails over the computer keyboards.
  • People who leave wet, partially chewed piles of sunflower seeds on our book shelves will be taken out and shot.
  • Please do not pay library fines with money you’ve just pulled out of your underwear.
  • No sex in the bathroom.
  • No taking photos of women’s feet under the tables.
  • Don’t call the reference desk and ask the librarian if you can suck her boobs.
  • The public use microwave shall not be used to cook squirrel.

If you wouldn’t think of doing any of these things in a library? I’d like to thank you on behalf of library workers everywhere. And if you were about to head over to the library to take a few sneaky feet photos, strip and then cook up some roadkill?

Better think twice. We’re onto you.

Roz Warren – 10/21/2018


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Bert And Ernie: The Prenup


Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman has just confirmed what America has long suspected – that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple. Sources tell us that they’ve, in fact, been happily married for years! Their prenup has been leaked to us by a Muppet whose identify we’ve promised not to reveal, in return for a batch of warm chocolate chip cookies. We’ve learned that, should the couple break up:

Ernie will stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street. Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.

Bert gets the Madonna albums. The Scissors Sister CDS go to Ernie.

The parties will share join custody of the rubber ducky and the autographed John Barrowman photo collection.

Bert gets to keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit given to him as an engagement gift.

All vertically striped shirts acquired during the course of the marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped shirts go to Ernie.

Bert promises not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child Elmo during interviews on “The View.”  Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of Sesame Street.”

Custody of the letters A, Q, H, and W go to Bert. Custody of the numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.

Ernie will refrain from mentioning Bert’s therapy for OCD in connection with his out-of-control paperclip and bottle cap collecting, as well as his obsession with the letter W.

Song royalties, as well as the extensive collection of Muppet Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for “Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to Ernie’s mom.)

Sales of Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly forbidden.

The parties will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth of July Barbecue on alternate years.

Both parties promise to treat each other with courtesy and respect, and, despite any relationship troubles they may have experienced there, to continue to tell others how to get to Sesame Street.


(Roz Warren writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times. Janet Golden writes humor when she isn’t writing history.)

Roz Warren & Janet Golden – 9.20.2018

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Welcome To Bedpan Alley! (Honest Names For Nursing Homes)

Applewood Retirement Community Garden Room

A senior living facility called Symphony Square recently opened up in my neighborhood.  It doesn’t have a symphony, and it’s not particularly square.  So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with that enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities The Quadrangle and Sunrise at Haverford.

Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly.  So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed some nursing home names that are more to the point. If you‘re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:

Geezer Glen

Altacocker Acres

Polyp Place

Ferklempt Estates

Coronary Chateau


Memory Loss Manor

Vertigo Village

Disorientation Terrace

Get Me Outta Here Gardens

Altzheimers Acres


End O’ Life Residence

Almost Heaven Homes

Deathview Villas

Reaching The End Estates

Abandoned Here Manor


Demented Gardens

Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care

Olde People Warehouse

Over the Hill Terrace

What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care


Bedpan Alley

Catheter Flats

Please Cut My Toenails Place

Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates

Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas


Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?

Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!


Roz Warren – 9.14.2018

(Roz Warren writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, and is  the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: LIBRARY HUMOR.

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