With the dawn of a new school year comes the inevitable request to donate every minute of your time (and possibly a kidney or two) to the P.T.A. If you want to avoid selling raffle tickets, baked goods, or accompanying thirty kindergarteners to a llama farm, I recommend you employ these nine, sure-fire ways to keep your name off the eternal P.T.A. volunteer list:
1. Suggest an open bar for all P.T.A. meetings held in the school library.
2. Tell them that you’ll be happy to volunteer for most field trips but your ankle bracelet only has a five mile perimeter.
3. Share your parental philosophies, which includes free-range/permissive parenting of kindergarteners.
4. Tell them your hours are no longer flexible now that you’ve taken on a second job at the Gentleman’s Cheetah Lounge.
5. When asked if you’d be available to spearhead the holiday gift wrap fundraiser, remind them that your embezzlement charges are still pending.
6. Volunteer to organize the next P.T.A. bake sale since your “edible” brownies sold so well last year at the Baptist church fundraiser.
7. Set your cell phone ringtone to Ludacris’ Sex Room.
8. Let them know that your volunteer time will depend on your child’s chronic head lice infestation.
9. Offer a $100 donation for them to lose your name.
Marcia Doyle – 9.6.2018