Archive: Steve Bannon Surprises School Group On White House Tour By Skinning Four

Today, Steve Bannon was ousted as the President’s Chief Strategist. Before he goes, we wanted to share one of our fondest memories of Mr. Bannon’s time in the White House.


WASHINGTON—Noting the former Breitbart editor’s flare for unpredictability, and the efficient use of his razor-sharp tusks, sources confirmed Tuesday that a school group on a White House tour was completely surprised when Steve Bannon made an unannounced appearance to greet the youngsters, and skin four students alive for his personal harvest. “You could see the shock on their faces and hear the blood-freezing terror in their screams as Mr. Bannon took time out of his busy strategy sessions to interact with members of the public,” said tour guide Nancy Hersmann, adding that having a senior White House staffer like Mr. Bannon surprise people on a tour, then monstrously disembowel them to replenish his own false human covering, is a rare occurrence. “I introduced the President’s Chief Strategist to the whole group over his snarls and unholy demands for their skin, and helped take pictures as Mr. Bannon smiled and even shook some hands. He then used his second row of teeth to remove those hands from the poor god-forsaken dead who dared to touch him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the students who met Mr. Bannon, and managed to escape his inexorable need to conceal his scales with the skin of children, consider themselves to be very lucky.

Jack Ritchey – 8.18.2017

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