As tax season comes to a close it’s time to forget about those pesky forms and inevitable soul-crushing audit because grilling season is just beginning! We’ve got 5 essential tips and tricks to help make you the Meat Maestro!
1. Never Use Gas! The best BBQ is all about cooking slowly to achieve a delicious, nuanced flavor. Gas will get you the heat but it won’t give your meat that rich, smokey bite. Seasonal Tip: Got a bunch of doctored receipts and a fraudulent ledger or two? Try using those instead of charcoal! Cook your books, AND your famous ribs!
2. Don’t Look, Or It Won’t Cook! Every time you open that grill you’re letting heat escape and messing up your cook. So, just like how you handle the IRS, try to ignore it and everything will turn out just fine. Neat Trick: Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode during the BBQ and then forever.
3. Find The Perfect Apron To Match Your Personality! Grilling isn’t all serious, remember to have fun too! There’s so many clever aprons to match your fun personality. Like: “Kiss The Cook,” or “License to Grill,” or even “Don’t Bug Me I’m Grilling,” and it’s got like a picture of an annoyed bug bbqing. Pro Secret: Whatever you decide, buy two just in case you ever need to make an elaborate dummy version of yourself.
4. Make Your Own Sauce! It’s super easy. Most BBQ sauce is just ketchup and sugar anyway and it’s a sure fire way to impress all of your guests! Don’t Forget: Most foreign nations use ketchup that tastes weird. Be sure and smuggle out some good ol’ Heinz classic should you ever flee the country.
5. Use A “Horrible Grilling Accident” To Fake Your Own Death! This one will be tricky but if you pull it off your neighbors will be talking about your BBQ for years to come. Use your dummy from Tip 3 and stage an “accidental” grill explosion that you trigger right when you know your neighbors can see. KABLAMO! The IRS is distracted and you’re already on your way to a beautiful beach somewhere without extradition! Life Hack: Leave a couple molars at the scene to help seal the deal!
With these foolproof tips and tricks you’ll be the hit of the cul-de-sac in no time! So get to grilling and crown yourself the BBQueen or BBKing… Huh… is that where he got his name? Was he like a great musician and also a grill master?
Ryan Doris – 04.17.208