Seven Kettlebell Exercises That Will Make You Look Like A Fucking Jackass

Hey, look at you! You bought a kettlebell! You must really be ready to do some exercises and be a professional olympian! Well, ok then, asshat. Since you are suddenly so god damn interested in some “dynamic” garbage workouts that challenge your coordination while annoying everyone else at the gym, let’s get you started with these seven kettlebell exercises that are sure to make you look like the fucking jackass you are!

1. Punch Through – Feet shoulder-width apart. Hold the bell in your right hand and punch forward in a straight line. This symbolizes the punches to your dumb face you deserve for thinking you need a kettlebell to work out.
2. Jumpies – Feet feet-width apart. Use a resistance band to tie the bell firmly around your ankles, then jump off the nearest bridge into a lake or river, and consider how you wasted your fucking life as you struggle stay afloat. (Just like Aladdin!) 
3. Face – Shoulders feet-width apart. With your face, be an annoying twerp. Repeat.
4. Bounce Dance – Have feet. Hold the bell up over your stupid brains. Once you inevitably realize your own horrible decisions, drop it on the ground, leave it there, walk away, and go running on a treadmill or something you idiot. 
5. Homeland Security – Tape some loose string to the side of a kettlebell, then pack it into your luggage and attempt to fly from Chicago Midway to Asheville, North Carolina. Once the TSA sees the cartoon bomb in your carry-on, not only will they know what a fucking brainless child you are, you’ll burn extra calories as you sweat with embarrassment for holding up the security line. (You’re the asshole!)
6. Nobody Likes You – Using your hands, pick up a kettlebell. Now nobody likes you.
7. Pack It In – Feet inside your mouth. Paint a smiley face onto a kettlebell. Then, using both hands, remove your own unused head from your neck and replace it with the kettlebell-face you’ve created. Not only will everyone like you more (because it has a better personality than you), but also you’ll be dead, so fuck you.

There we go, you jerk! Seven kettlebell exercises that are guaranteed to make you look like a stupid dumb jackass. Did your goon-dick idea of a workout make it on our list? No? Who fucking cares! Now get out there, and change who you are, dingus.

Jack Ritchey – 6.18.2018