Whether you’re a millennial who just moved out of your childhood bedroom, finally an adult and ditching the roommates, recently single and living alone again, or a widow/widower mourning the death of a longtime soulmate, living alone can be hard. So here’s a quick guide to make sure you go to bed the *right* way.
- Lock the door to your apartment – there are creepers everywhere folks!
- Turn off the lights in your house/apartment – unless you need a night light (I won’t tell, wink)
- Make sure there are sheets on the bed! This might seem like a no brainer, but if someone else (mom, girl/boyfriend, recently deceased spouse) has been making the bed for the past 10-60 years, its an important step…SHEETS!
- Take off your daytime clothes and put on sleepy time clothes (or stay nakey if ya want) – remember, there’s no one in your life to judge what you sleep in! So go nuts (out)!
- Lie down under the covers, but on top of the fitted sheet (the one with the elastic corners) with your head on the pillow – generally, unless you’re Manut Bol, you should fit on the bed! You can lie in the middle or on either side, cuz remember, there’s no one sleeping in the same bed as you anymore (cuz they’re dead or sleeping with your best friend or your mom).
- CRY – cry your eyes out until there’s no tears left, then cry some more, after all, you’re alone!!
- Stay there until the sun comes up, hopefully you’ll have slept at least 30 minutes
- Go live your day and pretend everything is ok! Smile and nod!
- Wait until it’s dark again, then go back to STEP 1
It’s a pretty simple routine, but it might take some practice to get it just right. So don’t worry, you’ll have all the time in the world since you’ll be alone forever most likely.
As above, so below.
Scotty Tremblay – 9.14.2018
waxinghumorous 