It’s Halloween, and everything is spookier. TV shows, diners, the dark recesses of your mind, and now even Horoscopes. So we made Horrorscopes. They don’t just predict information about your life… they predict information about your death. And just like Horoscopes, they’re 100% factual.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Did you wake up feeling off today, Aries? Know that all of your insecurities are based in objective truths.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your stubbornness could come in handy today when you have to convince people that you aren’t a ghost. Good luck.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
The time is right for you to pursue the one you’ve had your eye on, Gemini. Live today like there is no tomorrow, because for you there isn’t.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You have it.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
You should feel proud of yourself today, Leo. You’re the only one that survived the killings. Enjoy the limelight, no one suspects you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Someone could be wishing to cause you harm, Virgo. It might be a friend, family member or particular Horoscope writer that you wronged many years ago.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Both you and your partner need to share in responsibility and communication, because if you are going to jail for “the accident” then so the fuck are they.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – November 21)
Something trivial could lead to a conflict between family members, making you unsure of what to do. Except you’ve always known what must be done, Scorpio. Make them pay.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Remember that every fire starts with a spark, Sagittarius. Look within to see what else you can set aflame. Cleanse the world around you with a powerful wildfire. Lay low for a few weeks until this thing blows over.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
A new career opportunity could be on the horizon, but achieving your goals will require making a sacrifice. Try a goat.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You should be feeling drawn to nature lately, Aquarius. This could be the perfect opportunity to go back to the lake house and end this once and for all.
PISCES (Feb 19 – March 20)
Expect to do some serious soul-searching today, Pisces. There’s nothing to be found, is there? You’re a husk, withering in the wind. Submit to the abyss.
Sean Peecook & Bari Khan – 10.26.2018