Holiday Horrorscopes!

We all know the reason for the season: There is no reason. Life is chaos. So, why not celebrate the holidays with abandon? Your gift: Your very own ho ho Horrorscope.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Something is bothering you today, but you’re not sure what. Could you be forgetting something? Kevin!

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You could be on the brink of a major move. Expect to be long gone by the time the body washes up.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Opportunity will come from a surprising place today. Expect strangers from your past, present and future to visit you. Heed their warnings. This could be a chance for change, but you’ll never change, will you?

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Does it feel like the whole world is against you today? We are.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Mercury is no longer in Retrograde, so you have no one to blame for your chaotic mess of a life but yourself.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Allow them to celebrate the birth of their “king”. Let them drink deeply, ’til they are full, drunk, and docile. Bide your time, don your robes, and unearth the ceremonial blade. The old ways will return, and with them comes the blood moon.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Take advantage of all the holiday season has to offer. Treat yourself by buying something that you’ve had your eye on. You’ve never felt emptier.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Someone is watching over you. Listen to what this special visitor is trying to show you. What would the world be like without you? Turns out everyone is much happier.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your ruling planet needs you. Return to Mercury at once.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Large social gatherings can seem intimidating, but showing up to tonight’s witches’ Sabbath could pay off with the High Priestess in a few hundred years.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
The holidays can bring financial strain. Remember that some of the best gifts don’t have to cost a thing, like the gift of death. Go spread some holiday cheer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
The holiday season has you feeling romantic. Keep an eye out for an appealing stranger. Could this be love? Probably not, but when did that ever stop you?

Sean Peecock – 12.26.2018