“‘White supremacy. That’s the problem.’ This is a hoax! Just like the Russia hoax. It’s a conspiracy theory used to divide the country and keep a hold on power. That’s exactly what’s going on!” – Tucker Carlson, Fox News
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Dinosaurs – “Yeah right, like there’s a lot of big lizards? ‘Lot’s of big scary lizards that I see every day. They’re delivering mail, and they’re eating at the grocery store!’ Look, I don’t need some nerd science-tist to tell me what’s up. God invented the earth 6,000 years ago. Was Jesus a dinosaur? You tell me!”
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Vaccinations – “Oh please, nobody actually gets vaccinated. No, I’m not one of these ‘conspiracy theorists’ who says ‘oh they’re bad for you, they cause autism, duh-duh-duh’. No. They don’t even exist. People just go to the doctor, sit in a room quietly with their kids for 40 seconds, then they eat lollipops. And if you don’t believe me, then why are there lollipops?”
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The Moon Landing – (While interviewing Buzz Aldrin) “So you’re one of these ‘astro-people’? You’re a rocket ship man? Uh huh. You actually walked on the night ball? Right. Let me ask you, is it cheddar cheese or Gouda? Hahaha, sure. Thank you for coming on the show.”
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JFK – “Hold on one second. Let me ask you this, if a president – a president – gets shot at from a book depository? And he gets shot in the head and he dies in front of thousands of people in the middle of the day on one of the busiest streets in America?! Well then, what does that tell you about books.”
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If You Make A Face It Will Stay That Way – *blank stare into camera*
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The Balloon Boy – “And I mean this kid and his poor parents went through a nightmare! He’s 80 feet up in the sky in a home-made balloon, and the left just laughs. He could have fallen to his death… I don’t know. I just think about how tragic this was. Thank God he was safe in his garage the whole time…”
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Dogs – “Dogs are just barky cats!”
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Cats – “Cats are just sassy dogs!”
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Global Warming – “Our top story tonight, the loony left is at it again. This time they want to go around to all the farms in America and install giant wind turbines? That act like fan motors to make the earth go… faster? I don’t know. When it’s this nice outside, I don’t want us traveling faster around the sun. Plus they cause cancer. Moving on…”
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Loch Ness Monster – “Here we go again with the giant lizards! Terrorizing a small lake side village in Scotland no less. Those poor, white, people. I say we Loch Ness Up! Loch Ness Up! Loch Ness Up!”
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The Holocaust – “Look, I know the holocaust happened. Ok? There’s no question that millions of people died in one of the worst episodes of human history, a dark spot on the shared soul of our species. It was an unspeakable tragedy and just gut wrenching to think about the horrors those people endured. But the thing that was so terrifying, and so scary to me, was that so many of those people lived their lives in black and white.”
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Crop Circles – “I don’t deny crop circles, ok? I know a lot of people are surprised by this, but I agree, those circles exist. But you know who made them? That’s right. Illegal aliens.”
Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 8.12.2019
waxinghumorous 