You’re unique. You’re a freaking unicorn rockstar! Maybe you’re a “wears flip-flops in the winter” type of girl. Or maybe you’re a “dances while people are looking” guy. Hah, I know I am. That’s why, if you want a Diet Coke, you should just have a Diet Coke! Who cares if you get a little cancer with it, that’s just the kind of person you are, bae!
Mmm, that is good. And it’s woke! And with all that aspartame turning your insides into a fuming discolored bio-hazard, you are free to live your life how you wanna live, no matter how short it will be! Maybe you wanna go swing on a jungle gym while you still have the strength? Maybe you want to travel to Rio before your bedridden! Either way, however you do you, do you! Before cancer does you!
Plus, medical science has come really, really far lately, am I right millennial? They’ve probably cured cancer by now, as far as you know or care. Besides, you’re 18 to 24 and you live in America, so you’re invincible. Obamacare? What’s that!? In fact, go climb up on that statue in your floppy hat and sundress, take a cute ‘gram with your BFF, and slap a goofy filter on it! Look at you! That will make a perfect “before” picture!
And did I mention we have delicious new flavors? Because Diet Coke by itself is basically just poison, we decided to dress it up a little for you. Like we do with rats. Mmm, goes down just like all the medicine will!
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Ginger Lime – This refreshing combo of crisp lime with a hint of savory ginger is sure to make your tastebuds scream with delight, before your actual mouth screams with pain from the surgeries. Fun fact, old timey navy guys used to eat limes on board ships! That won’t help you though.
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Twisted Mango – Woah, dude! How did they twist a mango?? Haha, just kidding fellow facebook user. Twisted mango is really just mango with ‘twisted’ slapped on front. However, “twisted” will accurately describe your stomach in a few years. Just like a dog! Tasty A F!
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Zesty Blood Orange – Get used to the sight of blood early, only with ‘zest’!
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Feisty Cherry – Tie a knot out of the stem on this crispy treat. There’s nothing artificial about this flavor, except all the artificial flavors! After you wash down the combination of tangy cherry and chemicals you’ll be sure to say “that was both refreshing and created in a laboratory!”
So don’t listen to what all those haters or doctors say, you just go and do you. Because you are the only you there is, until there isn’t anymore!
Diet Coke. Who cares if you get cancer? Just drink it!
Jack Ritchey – 8.8.2019
waxinghumorous 