KIRKWOOD, MO – During the Friday afternoon “rush” at Kirkwood’s Union Station Hut, sources confirmed Friday that “all aboard!” was violently screamed at the only six Amtrak passengers boarding the train. “There was a conductor pacing up and down the platform like a basketball coach, and yelling into our faces like it was the last day on earth. And yet we were all standing within four feet of each other. How many people are required to constitute ‘all’, anyway?” inquired ticket-holder Mike Enrich, noting that he ended up being the only person in his car, except for the conductor who entered and demanded to see tickets from nobody. “I was surprised when they told people not to stand in the aisles while waiting for a seat in the dinner car. They must really think people still use trains. I was only taking the Amtrak to downtown because my car broke and I’m avoiding the Metrolink.” At a news conference this afternoon with only two attendees, Amtrak CEO Richard Anderson urged the members of the press to quiet down, and that this was far too much media attention than they could handle.