To All the Kitchen Appliances I’ve Loved Before

Kitchen Appliances

It’s time to stop flirting and settle down

Ahh, love is in air. You’ve always wanted to make your own snow cones and now you can. With the zeal of an infatuated teenager, you open the box of the ruby red snow cone maker. It works as advertised. You put ice cubes in and shaved ice comes out. You try the blue raspberry syrup. Then some green apple. You are excited about this new small appliance relationship. Snow cones every day!

But it is only a one-night stand.

Two years later you wonder why you can’t fit your Instant Pot into the cupboard and you realize that unused snow cone maker is wedged on its side, its power cord tangled with the unused Cake Pop machine you gave your spouse six years ago.

The serial dating of gimmicky kitchen appliances has become an epidemic in your life. It was love at first sight when you saw that air fryer — all the pleasure of deep-fried foods without the oil — you were going to be soulmates. But alas, after that first batch of tater tots, love waned. Swipe left.

The list goes on and on. The electric can opener, the banana hook, the fondue pot, the steamer, the quesadilla maker. Every free nook in your kitchen is a dreadful reminder of your lack of commitment. We can still be friends. I’ll call you sometime. Just hang out taking space in my pantry until then.

The list of your kitchen escapades resembles Lou Bega’s Mambo №5. There was Wanda the Waffle maker. She was different than the others. She would make you a hot breakfast in minutes. Loved those carbs. But a few pounds later you dumped her for Brenda the Blender, as you needed to get fit again. Just put ice, fruit, almond milk, maybe some chia seeds, and your life would be full of unprocessed passion. Those first few weeks with Brenda were bliss. So smooth, so many combinations, so much possibility. You don’t remember why that ended. Maybe it was Julia the Juicer that took your attention? Or was it Carla the Cappuccino Machine? She was hot, steaming hot.

Then there were those rebellious times where you just gave up and gave in to temptation. That one machine that made those pocket sandwiches. Those were dark days. You may as well have just microwaved a frozen Hot Pocket. And that chocolate fountain — the one you bought for that wedding reception you hosted. You try to forget that late night, dipping anything edible you could find into that molten chocolate bath. You finally stopped when you almost broke your tooth biting into your chocolate-covered smartphone. Talk about losing all control. You hit rock-bottom in the livid lasciviousness of small kitchen appliance hanky-panky.

The world of small kitchen appliances is a complicated one. It isn’t until you let go of the flirtatious gadgets around you, that you realize it is the long-lasting relationships that matter most — the large appliances. The large appliances are the ones you literally built your kitchen around; your gizmo-cluttered counters surround them for a reason.

You should appreciate the dark, tall and stainless refrigerator. It is there for you every day. Acknowledge the stalwart stove and its glass top range that is so easy to clean. Remember the dutiful dishwasher who patiently cleans up all the mess you create. And even the microwave who fills in for you more than you care to admit. Your love for them is everlasting; your interaction is daily. At least until they stop working and you buy new ones.

Stop and appreciate your major appliances. Clean up your cupboards. Free your counter. It is time for a candid kitchen catharsis. Have a yard sale if you need to. And while you are at it, throw away your old Tupperware.

So next time you plan to run off with that homemade ice cream maker, remember you can just buy some Haagen-Dazs. You will save time and a few cubic feet of cupboard space. And your faithful freezer, in the words of Richard Marx, will be right here waiting for you.


Jon Fischer – 10.24.2019

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