Angry Mobs For Rent – By Hans Kracauer

Crowds on Demand, a Beverly Hills firm that’s an outspoken player in the business of hiring protesters, boasts on its website that it provides its clients with “protests, rallies, flash-mobs, paparazzi events and  inventive PR stunts  … We provide everything including the people, the materials and even the ideas.”

Los Angeles Times – October 21, 2018


A lavishly appointed office.  A huge overhead banner reads: “ANGRY MOBS FOR RENT”.  A smartly dressed executive is seated at a desk. He is the company recruiter.  A sloppily turned out guy in a T-shirt and jeans sits across from him.  He is a job seeker.

RECRUITER –  Welcome to “ANGRY MOBS FOR RENT”.  As head of Human Resources, I welcome your interest in joining our company.

JOB SEEKER – Sure, sure.   But first I have a question.  Can you let me know what the working hours are?  I find I don’t get angry after dinner.

RECRUITER –  Sorry – in this business you have to be ready to get angry around the clock.  If we wind up working together, let me  make a suggestion.  Don’t have dinner.  Or have your dinner at lunch.

JOB SEEKER – Just how angry do I have to get?

RECRUITER – It depends on what — or who — you’re angry about. Your supervisor will let you know.  Generally, companies will require a higher level of anger than politicians running for office. Of course, the highest level of anger is reserved for proposed legislation. The very thought of it should make you look like a crazed dog ready to rip someone’s face off.   Now let’s get down to your qualifications.  May I see your resume?

JOB SEEKER –  No.

RECRUITER – Why not?

JOB SEEKER –  It would be nothing but a list of jails I’ve been in.  I doubt any of those jails would give me a recommendation.

RECRUITER –  Excellent.  The last thing we would want in our employees is a distinguished employment history.  Now what’s your marital status?

JOB SEEKER – I’m a bigamist.

RECRUITER – What?  You have two wives?

JOB SEEKER – Three.   I was about to marry a fourth when I discovered she was a bigamist too.  Had to call off the wedding. (sternly) I won’t tolerate dishonesty in a woman.

RECRUITER –  Let’s continue.   Where did you go to school?

JOB SEEKER –  I have a degree from Harvard.

RECRUITER – Really?  I never would have suspected you studied at Harvard.

JOB SEEKER – Who said I studied  at Harvard?  I just went to Harvard.

RECRUITER –  You were sight-seeing?

JOB SEEKER –  Just looking for a way to kill the afternoon.  Anyway, it happened to be Graduation Day. So I mugged an honors grad and stole his degree.

RECRUITER – You stole the degree of an honors grad?  Hey, I understand.  You needed validation.  It was just your strategy of satisfying your thirst for knowledge.

JOB SEEKER – You hit the nail on the head. Anyway I deleted his name and substituted my name.  Then I framed that degree and it’s hanging on my wall today.

RECRUITER –  Wow!  I think congratulations are in order.  You boosted your self-image while at the same time demonstrating a keen whimsical taste in interior decoration.

JOB SEEKER –  Fraud is a gift that keeps on giving.

RECRUITER – Now we come to the last part of this interview.  Do you have any problem screaming, spitting  or waving a placard?

JOB SEEKER – You kidding?   Those are some of my favorite things.

RECRUITER  –  Are you at all picky about who – or what — you’re ranting against?

JOB SEEKER – Absolutely not.  I never feel more alive than when I’m ranting at the top of my lungs. The cause?  Who cares!  There’s nothing healthier than giving your lungs a good workout.

RECRUITER – (shaking the job seeker’s hand) Thank you very much.  You may go.  My board will review your qualifications and inform you of our decision.

JOB SEEKER – (Jumping up and bellowing) YOU LOUSY SON OF  BITCH!  I’M CLEARLY THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB!  AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO STALL ME WITH YOUR “MEETNG YOUR BOARD AND REVIEWING MY QUALIFICATIONS” BULLSHIT!

RECRUITER-  (Smiling)  Well done!  You just passed the last test.  The slightest provocation and you fly spectacularly off the handle.  You’re in.  Report here at nine tomorrow morning.

 

Hans Kracauer – 6.26.2019

Hans is a WGA writer living in Los Angeles.   His screenplay and television web site is:  WWW.MANICMOONBEAMS.COM.

 

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