ISLA NUBLAR, CR—Citing its outdated, sun-bleached displays and its unfavorable location between the Velociraptors and venom-spitting Dilophosaurus, sources confirmed Thursday that Jurassic Park has permanently closed the incredibly underwhelming “Rawr! Troodons!” exhibit, and plans to release its collection back into the wild. “Initially ‘Troodons’ was designed to give a fun, educational take on prehistoric bird-life, with goofy live shows and wacky science experiments, but our funding is drying up and those resources have to be reserved for the park’s more popular attractions, like all the dinosaurs that are actually worth a tit,” said Park Ranger Ray Arnold, adding that recently the only visitors to the aging exhibit have been highschoolers who have snuck away from their field trips to smoke drugs and make out. “I mean we have a Tyrannosaurus Rex that killed a couple guys, and a giant water monster thing that eats whales. People just don’t care about the prehistoric migrating habits of a bunch of lame-dick peacocks.” At press time, park officials reported that the closed exhibit hall will likely be converted into yet another storage warehouse for flares.
Jack Ritchey – 8.30.2017