As a cold, isolated chunk of ice, I don’t want to sink you as so many other icebergs do in a screaming catastrophe; I want to keep you buoyant. As the rest of the iceberg below the tip, I support the tip by keeping it afloat. If you stop reading this, life will continue to suck and sink from this moment forward.
BE SO CONFIDENT IN CONFIDENCE, THAT SECTIONS ARE IN ALL-CAPS
Do you want to be the most amazing writer ever? The only way you can do that is if you keep reading this clickbait. How do I know that? Because I’m writing with such confidence, and you’re crippled with so much doubt, you’re willing to desperately spend five minutes changing your life.
What makes me an authority on writing? I know how to use Medium, WordPress, and other content management systems to make it look all official and shit. Plus, these are my writing tips, nobody else has done this before and I’m the most insightful writer who’s ever written. I also put the word my in front of writing tips to make them specifically special. They’re my writing tips because I am me and I said so.
CHILL OUT HARD
If you want to be a writer, you’re going to have to dig deep. Procrastination is key. Slouch deep, deep down into your recliner. Deep enough so you have to dig your butt out of the cushion when the procrastination phase is complete. Thus, digging deep. Proceed.
DROWN YOUR SORROWS
As if your tippy toes were the tip, and the bottom of the iceberg is your head drowning in a sea of ice-cold beer sorrow. The more sophisticated writer drinks scotch or brandy, but we’re writing on the internet so whatever you can get your hands on. Malt Liquor? That works.
OBSESSIVELY READ AND WRITE
If you think you can fake your way through the writing world, think again. Then think some more because you can obviously use all the thinking you can get. I’m gonna ramble on and on about reading and writing so I can fill up space and I don’t have to spend time thinking up an additional tip. Not obsessively reading and writing is like an athlete who doesn’t want to exercise. If that’s who you want to be, then go take up bowling, darts, foosball, or create a meme. All of them pair well with drinking. And, now I’ve typed enough to pass this off as another tip. You’re welcome.
JUST DO IT
The word ‘it’ is a broad term, but the key is don’t do other things, do it. Playing video games is another thing and not it. Writing is it, plain and simple. This is another great opportunity for me to write some more filler. You’re going to read this because you don’t want to miss out on any key writing tips. There’s a straw lying on the back of your success or failure, so don’t break that camel’s back because you can’t afford to fight animal rights groups in court.
HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
Don’t just ramble on pointlessly with lame jokes. Say something but put it in the written word because it would just be vocalized if audibly spoken from your mouth. You can’t say what you want and call it writing, you have to physically type/write it out to call yourself a writer. There’s an app for that? Good enough. Go ahead and be lazy then. Great, this looks like a sufficient paragraph for when you manically scrolled up and down beforehand for answers instead of reading this.
Make sure you’re hyper-focused on devoting every single second practicing writing about a myriad of subjects. See how I used that word? Only with practice can you pull words like myriad out of your head and type it. Each time you practice you stretch finger muscles and increase the level of complexity to ultimately impress readers. But these words are my myriad of words.
The Titanic didn’t sink without all that practice. It had to hit that iceberg again and again until it learned to sink into the ocean properly so everyone could grasp at failure straws. Say you have never tried writing erotic fiction. Just say you haven’t. You can start by writing about yourself, and when you’re done with that, you can try writing about something way more interesting. Something with a myriad of orgasms and lovelier genitals.
Oh, yeah, and don’t fuck up. You can fuck, but don’t fuck up like a fuckup. If you’re willing to stay sober, the sky’s the limit (unlike an ocean), but good luck with that because you’re a writer. A writer is officially a tortured soul stranded on an iceberg grasping at straws that will break a camel’s back.
Adam Steininger – 10.15.2019