We Would Have Birthed Our Children at Costco… *If they offered labor and delivery as an option

Costco

I admit my family has a serious problem. We seem to spend a lot of our money at Costco. Like all of it.

Based on the behemoth size of the Costco parking lot, I don’t think we are alone in our dilemma. Let’s face it, many suffer from the same affliction. Let’s just say we’d probably live inside Costco if they had on-site housing.

I paid for my membership and I intend to use it. I get exclusive deals for everything I need, want, may need, may want or may never need or want. All under one giant roof.

You think I’m kidding? I’m not. Here is a typical week for us:

Monday
Bad weekend. Need to eat healthier. Going in to get a bag of apples. I leave with a cart full of bulk size produce packs of mandarin oranges, strawberries, bananas, carrots, apples, not to mention the asparagus and salad kits — and a new $300 Vitamix blender. This place is great. We are going to eat healthy.

Tuesday
I get a text from my spouse. We need bread. I need to get gas on the way home anyway, I’ll just stop at Costco and kill two birds with one stone. Speaking of dead birds, I decide to pick up one of those hot rotisserie chickens for five bucks. I’ll be a dinner hero…hot, juicy, chicken and what a deal! I should get the ribs too. Just in case that one chicken isn’t enough. And potato salad. Almost escaped when I notice a new Dyson vacuum that really sucks. $400 later I get home with dinner. Oh, crap, I forgot the bread.

Wednesday
Okay, just getting the bread and nothing else. Focus, focus, focus. They have an instant rebate on laundry detergent, $12 off and limit two. Better buy a couple since this deal may not come back again. I think we need some dryer sheets. And cheese balls. And protein bars. A few other things. It was only $175 this time, not even half as much as yesterday. I hate how they always have to check my receipt when I walk out like I’m going to steal something. I grin and bear it. But I guess that keeps theft down and prices low.

Thursday
I forgot that I was supposed to bring home dinner. Ooh…we’ve spent so much this week, I know the perfect thing to help. I’ll get the famous $1.50 Hot Dog and Soda at Costco. In and out. As I walk in, I smell the faint rubber smell of tires…oh yeah, I forgot my treads are dangerously low. Tire sale is on. Got an tire appointment for tomorrow and escaped with nothing more than a Costco Travel brochure and dinner for $6.00. Victory!

Friday
Tire appointment. So glad I got this deal in time. Only cost $600 instead of $800. They’re practically giving the fourth tire away! And I got a new laptop while I was waiting for the tire installation. The tire savings alone paid for a fifth of it. Unfortunately, I got home to find out my spouse just bought a Disney vacation through Costco Travel. I should have never left that brochure on the kitchen counter last night. Oh well, at least we saved a grand on the vacation package for next month.

Saturday
We are out of money and nothing at home sounds good. Wait, I can take the whole family to Costco and we can have samples for lunch! After a ten-mile hike from the closest parking spot we hit the jackpot. A quarter of a blueberry muffin. A cube of cheese. Three chips and a dollop of mango salsa. A spoonful of microwaved lentils. A piece of an energy bar. And a sample of flavored sparkling water to wash it all down.

Sunday
We didn’t go to Costco — as long as you don’t count Costco.com. They had a great deal on patio furniture. Can’t wait until it arrives.

Costco is an evil place ingeniously designed to entice even those with the strongest of wills with “value” goods and wares until they finally succumb to spending all they have.

A month later…
I’m finishing cleaning up the kitchen before we head off to Disneyworld. In the cupboard I find a mound of moldy mandarins. And in the fridge, rotten asparagus and a mostly full container of potato salad. And a full loaf of bread covered in white and blue fuzz — I forgot to freeze that second loaf again. Oh well, we’ll deal with that after vacation.

“Okay, Kirkland, you and your sister hurry and get in the car. We’ve got to leave to the airport or we’ll be late for our flight to Orlando.”

 

Jon Fischer – 10.17.2019

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