Category Archives: Ryan Doris

No Particular Reason – Episode 4

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In this episode we discuss protesting in America and we get a sneak peak of a new blockbuster movie franchise of biblical proportions.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

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No Particular Reason – Episode 3

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In this episode we investigate the use of smart tech in classrooms and the science behind the infamous “Yanni or Laurel” internet debate.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

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5 Tips To Master the Perfect Spring BBQ

As tax season comes to a close it’s time to forget about those pesky forms and inevitable soul-crushing audit because grilling season is just beginning! We’ve got 5 essential tips and tricks to help make you the Meat Maestro!

1. Never Use Gas! The best BBQ is all about cooking slowly to achieve a delicious, nuanced flavor. Gas will get you the heat but it won’t give your meat that rich, smokey bite. Seasonal Tip: Got a bunch of doctored receipts and a fraudulent ledger or two? Try using those instead of charcoal! Cook your books, AND your famous ribs!

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2. Don’t Look, Or It Won’t Cook! Every time you open that grill you’re letting heat escape and messing up your cook. So, just like how you handle the IRS, try to ignore it and everything will turn out just fine. Neat Trick: Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode during the BBQ and then forever.

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3. Find The Perfect Apron To Match Your Personality! Grilling isn’t all serious, remember to have fun too! There’s so many clever aprons to match your fun personality. Like: “Kiss The Cook,” or “License to Grill,” or even “Don’t Bug Me I’m Grilling,” and it’s got like a picture of an annoyed bug bbqing. Pro Secret: Whatever you decide, buy two just in case you ever need to make an elaborate dummy version of yourself.689308FD-2ECF-44F6-AC35-F2542D2B02E8
4. Make Your Own Sauce! It’s super easy. Most BBQ sauce is just ketchup and sugar anyway and it’s a sure fire way to impress all of your guests! Don’t Forget: Most foreign nations use ketchup that tastes weird. Be sure and smuggle out some good ol’ Heinz classic should you ever flee the country.547B36B5-1101-428A-81F4-A14318230585
5. Use A “Horrible Grilling Accident” To Fake Your Own Death! This one will be tricky but if you pull it off your neighbors will be talking about your BBQ for years to come. Use your dummy from Tip 3 and stage an “accidental” grill explosion that you trigger right when you know your neighbors can see. KABLAMO! The IRS is distracted and you’re already on your way to a beautiful beach somewhere without extradition! Life Hack: Leave a couple molars at the scene to help seal the deal!

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With these foolproof tips and tricks you’ll be the hit of the cul-de-sac in no time! So get to grilling and crown yourself the BBQueen or BBKing… Huh… is that where he got his name? Was he like a great musician and also a grill master?

Ryan Doris – 04.17.208

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No Particular Reason – Episode 2

NPR_Logo_102In this episode we investigate the use of monkeys in scientific research and we find out what it’s like to write for the Commander in Chief from former Presidential speech writer Dale Finson.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

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No Particular Reason – Episode 1

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https://www.podbean.com/media/player/vabyw-a2d660?from=yiiadmin&download=1&version=1&skin=1&btn-skin=107&auto=0&download=1

The first episode of Waxing Humorous’ sister radio program, No Particular Reason.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Except, ya know, to make fun of it.)

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Dog With People Teeth Wins America’s Got Talent

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LOS ANGELES – In a thrilling reveal host Tyra Banks declared the winner of the season 12 finale of America’s Got Talent to be a Dog With People Teeth. He had a strong showing throughout the season but many still considered him a literal underdog. With many close calls Dog With People Teeth only narrowly beat out other awe inspiring acts such as Baby Ventriloquist, Guy Who Stands On A Bunch Of Chairs, Ugly Opera Singer, and 30 Person Dance Troupe.  It wasn’t until, after a particularly stirring performance, that Dog With People Teeth garnered the favor of all the judges. “You know, when we first saw you I thought, no way. No way will a Dog With People Teeth win America’s Got Talent. But today you’ve changed our minds,” proclaimed Judge Howie Mandel before hitting the coveted “Golden Buzzer” and sending Dog With People Teeth directly to the finals in Las Vegas. In the finale last night tensions were high as Dog With People Teeth and his opponent, Some Kid Who Did Something With Cups Real Fast, anxiously waited for Banks to reveal who America chose as the winner. After seventeen solid minutes of suspenseful music and slow camera zooms Banks finally declared Dog With People Teeth the winner. Balloons fell, pyrotechnics erupted and Dog With People Teeth ran off stage, terrified. “You know, I’ve been at this for a long time now, both here and in Britain, and it’s really amazing what this show dredges up. It truly is mind boggling,” said Executive Producer Simon Cowell. Dog With People Teeth walked away with $1,000,000 in prize money and his own show in Atlantic City which will start its run this fall at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. At the time of this writing all scheduled shows have already sold out.

Ryan Doris – 10.10.2017

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LEAKED: Apple Memo Reveals New iPhone 8 Features

Hold the phone. Then take that phone and light it on fire, because Apple is set to unveil their newest iPhone on September 12. And while the exact details of the iPhone 8 remain as mysterious as Angela Lansbury’s whereabouts (she’s dead?), we at WaxingHumorous got our hands on a leaked interoffice memo straight from Apple’s executive offices with, what appear to be, CEO Tim Cook’s personal notes. Just wait till you get a load of these new features…

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Wow! Personally, we can’t wait to meet Siri’s new boyfriend! What about you? Did your favorite iPhone feature make the list? What are you most excited about? Let us know in the comments and share this little hot potato like the Apple-addicted crack fiends you are.

– Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris 09.05.2017

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The Summer Blockbuster Everyone’s Watching

Ryan Doris – 08/19/2017

 

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7 Tips For Buying A New Phone

Phone Tips

Getting a new phone is fun! It’s like opening a Christmas present on your birthday at your best friend’s Bar Mitzvah. But buying a phone can be confusing, and there’s a lot of secrets that “Big Phone” doesn’t want you to know when picking out your new device. Here are 7 easy tips for what to do when buying a new phone.

1. Do Your Research

What do you want in a phone? A nice camera, GPS, and a text messenger are all nice features but more importantly make sure you know what a phone is before you buy.

Helpful Hint: Type “What a phone is” into Bing.com for help!

2. Shop Around for the Best Deal

Nowadays you can buy a phone almost anywhere and every place will have a different price. So whether it’s Best Buy, Radio Shack, or Boston Market make sure you go to as many stores as possible.

Helpful Hint:  Sometimes movie theaters have ads before films, maybe they’ll have one for phones!

3. Check the Tires

This one is very important. Some places will try and pass off a used phone as new. The quickest way to know if you’re being swindled is with a swift kick to one of the tires.

Helpful Hint: Be assertive. Your salesperson will act like they don’t know what you’re talking about.

4. Don’t Accidentally Buy An Ice Cream Sandwich

This one has happened to ALL of us.

Helpful Hint: An ice cream sandwich will melt, a phone might.

5. Toss it Around!

Make sure your new phone has a good weight and feel to it for when you play catch. The last thing you want is to show up to the park and embarrass yourself before the big game.

Helpful Hint: Bring your Dad and test out your throw in the store!

6. Don’t Fall For The “You’re Gonna Want A Case” Trick

This is the oldest trick in the book.

Helpful Hint: Read Auston Habershaw’s “The Oldest Trick” book before you buy.

7. Sometimes They’ll Let You Taste It First

If the salesperson opens the phone and pours a little bit out that’s for you to taste before you buy. Smell the phone and swirl some around in your mouth before you agree.

Helpful Hint: Want to Impress your date? Order your phone in French!

 

– Ryan Doris 08/04/2017

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Guy In Movie Theater Chews Ice Whole Fucking Time

MovieMISSOULA, MT – During a sold out screening of Despicable Me 3, the animated antics of American treasures Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig were consistently interrupted by loud crunching sounds. “The dude RIGHT next to me ate an entire small soda’s worth of ice!” complained stay-at-home dad Mitchell Waltrip. “And a small is massive, have you seen this shit? Everywhere else this small would be considered a large,” Waltrip digressed. What was supposed to be an excuse to get the kids out of the house that Wednesday afternoon quickly became a nightmare for the overtired father of three. “And the theatre uses that weird ice. Those cylinders with the hole in the middle that are like, too big for a normal person’s mouth,” Waltrip added. When asked to comment, the Carmike 12 theatre in greater Missoula confirmed the use of “weird ice” in their sodas. “That asshole was all, ‘crunch, slurp, crunch, pop, slurp, crunch,’ and I missed all the best jokes. Now I don’t get any of the references my kids are using,” Waltrip said. Numerous witnesses came forward and reported that, during one of the best sequences of the film, the ‘ice eater’ loudly tapped the bottom of his cup in an effort to get the last few pieces of ice into his maw. No patron in the 150 seat theatre, however, asked the culprit to stop. “You kidding me? I’m not gonna be that guy,” Waltrip scoffed. “I am gonna try and get a refund though.”

Ryan Doris – 7.25.2017

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