This week, in an effort to defend himself against several (accurate) accusations of past sexual misconduct, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh offered up a copy of his 1982 high school calendar for the public to scrutinize.
And while Dr. Christine Ford bravely retold her traumatic encounter with the suspected predator in front of Congress and the world, Kavanaugh offered an alibi in the form of some old trash he expected us to rifle through.
Well, we at Waxing Humorous actually got our hands on Kavanaugh’s calendar for this month! And needless to say, it’s a bit more telling. See for yourself.
Wow, dude’s had a busy September! I don’t know about you, but I sure wonder what he got his mom for her birthday!
As tax season comes to a close it’s time to forget about those pesky forms and inevitable soul-crushing audit because grilling season is just beginning! We’ve got 5 essential tips and tricks to help make you the Meat Maestro!
1. Never Use Gas! The best BBQ is all about cooking slowly to achieve a delicious, nuanced flavor. Gas will get you the heat but it won’t give your meat that rich, smokey bite. Seasonal Tip: Got a bunch of doctored receipts and a fraudulent ledger or two? Try using those instead of charcoal! Cook your books, AND your famous ribs!
2. Don’t Look, Or It Won’t Cook! Every time you open that grill you’re letting heat escape and messing up your cook. So, just like how you handle the IRS, try to ignore it and everything will turn out just fine. Neat Trick: Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode during the BBQ and then forever.
3. Find The Perfect Apron To Match Your Personality! Grilling isn’t all serious, remember to have fun too! There’s so many clever aprons to match your fun personality. Like: “Kiss The Cook,” or “License to Grill,” or even “Don’t Bug Me I’m Grilling,” and it’s got like a picture of an annoyed bug bbqing. Pro Secret: Whatever you decide, buy two just in case you ever need to make an elaborate dummy version of yourself. 4. Make Your Own Sauce! It’s super easy. Most BBQ sauce is just ketchup and sugar anyway and it’s a sure fire way to impress all of your guests! Don’t Forget: Most foreign nations use ketchup that tastes weird. Be sure and smuggle out some good ol’ Heinz classic should you ever flee the country. 5. Use A “Horrible Grilling Accident” To Fake Your Own Death! This one will be tricky but if you pull it off your neighbors will be talking about your BBQ for years to come. Use your dummy from Tip 3 and stage an “accidental” grill explosion that you trigger right when you know your neighbors can see. KABLAMO! The IRS is distracted and you’re already on your way to a beautiful beach somewhere without extradition! Life Hack: Leave a couple molars at the scene to help seal the deal!
With these foolproof tips and tricks you’ll be the hit of the cul-de-sac in no time! So get to grilling and crown yourself the BBQueen or BBKing… Huh… is that where he got his name? Was he like a great musician and also a grill master?
LOS ANGELES – In a thrilling reveal host Tyra Banks declared the winner of the season 12 finale of America’s Got Talent to be a Dog With People Teeth. He had a strong showing throughout the season but many still considered him a literal underdog. With many close calls Dog With People Teeth only narrowly beat out other awe inspiring acts such as Baby Ventriloquist, Guy Who Stands On A Bunch Of Chairs, Ugly Opera Singer, and 30 Person Dance Troupe. It wasn’t until, after a particularly stirring performance, that Dog With People Teeth garnered the favor of all the judges. “You know, when we first saw you I thought, no way. No way will a Dog With People Teeth win America’s Got Talent. But today you’ve changed our minds,” proclaimed Judge Howie Mandel before hitting the coveted “Golden Buzzer” and sending Dog With People Teeth directly to the finals in Las Vegas. In the finale last night tensions were high as Dog With People Teeth and his opponent, Some Kid Who Did Something With Cups Real Fast, anxiously waited for Banks to reveal who America chose as the winner. After seventeen solid minutes of suspenseful music and slow camera zooms Banks finally declared Dog With People Teeth the winner. Balloons fell, pyrotechnics erupted and Dog With People Teeth ran off stage, terrified. “You know, I’ve been at this for a long time now, both here and in Britain, and it’s really amazing what this show dredges up. It truly is mind boggling,” said Executive Producer Simon Cowell. Dog With People Teeth walked away with $1,000,000 in prize money and his own show in Atlantic City which will start its run this fall at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. At the time of this writing all scheduled shows have already sold out.
Hold the phone. Then take that phone and light it on fire, because Apple is set to unveil their newest iPhone on September 12. And while the exact details of the iPhone 8 remain as mysterious as Angela Lansbury’s whereabouts (she’s dead?), we at WaxingHumorous got our hands on a leaked interoffice memo straight from Apple’s executive offices with, what appear to be, CEO Tim Cook’s personal notes. Just wait till you get a load of these new features…
Wow! Personally, we can’t wait to meet Siri’s new boyfriend! What about you? Did your favorite iPhone feature make the list? What are you most excited about? Let us know in the comments and share this little hot potato like the Apple-addicted crack fiends you are.