Category Archives: Ryan Doris

7 Tips For Buying A New Phone

Phone Tips

Getting a new phone is fun! It’s like opening a Christmas present on your birthday at your best friend’s Bar Mitzvah. But buying a phone can be confusing, and there’s a lot of secrets that “Big Phone” doesn’t want you to know when picking out your new device. Here are 7 easy tips for what to do when buying a new phone.

1. Do Your Research

What do you want in a phone? A nice camera, GPS, and a text messenger are all nice features but more importantly make sure you know what a phone is before you buy.

Helpful Hint: Type “What a phone is” into Bing.com for help!

2. Shop Around for the Best Deal

Nowadays you can buy a phone almost anywhere and every place will have a different price. So whether it’s Best Buy, Radio Shack, or Boston Market make sure you go to as many stores as possible.

Helpful Hint:  Sometimes movie theaters have ads before films, maybe they’ll have one for phones!

3. Check the Tires

This one is very important. Some places will try and pass off a used phone as new. The quickest way to know if you’re being swindled is with a swift kick to one of the tires.

Helpful Hint: Be assertive. Your salesperson will act like they don’t know what you’re talking about.

4. Don’t Accidentally Buy An Ice Cream Sandwich

This one has happened to ALL of us.

Helpful Hint: An ice cream sandwich will melt, a phone might.

5. Toss it Around!

Make sure your new phone has a good weight and feel to it for when you play catch. The last thing you want is to show up to the park and embarrass yourself before the big game.

Helpful Hint: Bring your Dad and test out your throw in the store!

6. Don’t Fall For The “You’re Gonna Want A Case” Trick

This is the oldest trick in the book.

Helpful Hint: Read Auston Habershaw’s “The Oldest Trick” book before you buy.

7. Sometimes They’ll Let You Taste It First

If the salesperson opens the phone and pours a little bit out that’s for you to taste before you buy. Smell the phone and swirl some around in your mouth before you agree.

Helpful Hint: Want to Impress your date? Order your phone in French!

 

– Ryan Doris 08/04/2017

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Guy In Movie Theater Chews Ice Whole Fucking Time

MovieMISSOULA, MT – During a sold out screening of Despicable Me 3, the animated antics of American treasures Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig were consistently interrupted by loud crunching sounds. “The dude RIGHT next to me ate an entire small soda’s worth of ice!” complained stay-at-home dad Mitchell Waltrip. “And a small is massive, have you seen this shit? Everywhere else this small would be considered a large,” Waltrip digressed. What was supposed to be an excuse to get the kids out of the house that Wednesday afternoon quickly became a nightmare for the overtired father of three. “And the theatre uses that weird ice. Those cylinders with the hole in the middle that are like, too big for a normal person’s mouth,” Waltrip added. When asked to comment, the Carmike 12 theatre in greater Missoula confirmed the use of “weird ice” in their sodas. “That asshole was all, ‘crunch, slurp, crunch, pop, slurp, crunch,’ and I missed all the best jokes. Now I don’t get any of the references my kids are using,” Waltrip said. Numerous witnesses came forward and reported that, during one of the best sequences of the film, the ‘ice eater’ loudly tapped the bottom of his cup in an effort to get the last few pieces of ice into his maw. No patron in the 150 seat theatre, however, asked the culprit to stop. “You kidding me? I’m not gonna be that guy,” Waltrip scoffed. “I am gonna try and get a refund though.”

Ryan Doris – 7.25.2017

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