My Resolutions For You In 2019

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Every year I make New Year’s resolutions and every year I break them. So this year, I’m trying something different – resolutions for other people. Hey world – here are the changes I’d like to see YOU make in 2019.

  • If you didn’t vote? Stop complaining about election results.
  • Supermarket shoppers attempting to sneak a full cart through the 10-items-or-less lane? Maybe 2019 can be the year you learn to count.
  • Drivers? Your car is equipped with turn signals for a reason. Use them.
  • Waiters! Please don’t ask, “Are you done working on that?” Dining out, for me, isn’t work. It’s fun. But it’s a lot less fun when you come at me with that question. (And don’t whisk away my plate a nanosecond after I finish, especially if my companion is still eating.)
  • Cell phone owners? No more blathering on your phone in public restrooms. I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet to be both private and sacred. I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your stock portfolio.
  • Dog walkers who can’t be bothered to pick up your pooch’s poop? Don’t make me follow you down the block yelling, “Hey! Aren’t you forgetting something?”
  • Magazines? Stop running articles about people losing weight and people gaining weight. This world is going to hell in a hand basket and the last thing that matters is how plump or lean we are on that particular journey.
  • Home owners with leaf blowers? Instead of producing toxic noise pollution, why not get a rake and get some exercise?
  • Don’t text while driving. Trust me – there’s nothing you have to say that can’t wait until you’ve stopped the car.
  • Anyone who responds to “Thank you!” with “No problem?” I don’t care if it’s a problem or not. The only correct response is “You’re welcome.”
  • Do you constantly sniff and snuffle and snort instead of blowing your nose? Do the world a favor in 2019 and learn to use Kleenex.
  • People who hug too much? Back off. I don’t want to dance with you. I just want to say hello.
  • Do you chew with your mouth open? Close your pie hole. Do you slurp your soup? Quiet down. (Or I’ll be tempted to fling a fork at you.)
  • Turn off your phone in the theatre. If you can’t spend two hours without feeling compelled to shop for cat food, check your email, or see if anyone has responded to your latest Tweet, maybe you should just stay home. (Or better yet, seek therapy.)
  • Children who have grown up and are no longer living at home? Phone your mom right now and tell her you love her. (It’s the very least you can do, and it’ll make her day.)
  • Library patrons who returned a book late but want to weasel out of paying the fine? Shut your mouth and open your wallet. Public libraries are a gift and a treasure, and they desperately need funding. Thank you.
  • And guys? Can we make 2019 the year the toilet seat finally stays down?

BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2019!

Roz Warren – 12.27.2018

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES, A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. http://ow.ly/LpFgE)

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Holiday Horrorscopes!

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We all know the reason for the season: There is no reason. Life is chaos. So, why not celebrate the holidays with abandon? Your gift: Your very own ho ho Horrorscope.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Something is bothering you today, but you’re not sure what. Could you be forgetting something? Kevin!

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You could be on the brink of a major move. Expect to be long gone by the time the body washes up.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Opportunity will come from a surprising place today. Expect strangers from your past, present and future to visit you. Heed their warnings. This could be a chance for change, but you’ll never change, will you?

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Does it feel like the whole world is against you today? We are.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Mercury is no longer in Retrograde, so you have no one to blame for your chaotic mess of a life but yourself.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Allow them to celebrate the birth of their “king”. Let them drink deeply, ’til they are full, drunk, and docile. Bide your time, don your robes, and unearth the ceremonial blade. The old ways will return, and with them comes the blood moon.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Take advantage of all the holiday season has to offer. Treat yourself by buying something that you’ve had your eye on. You’ve never felt emptier.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Someone is watching over you. Listen to what this special visitor is trying to show you. What would the world be like without you? Turns out everyone is much happier.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your ruling planet needs you. Return to Mercury at once.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Large social gatherings can seem intimidating, but showing up to tonight’s witches’ Sabbath could pay off with the High Priestess in a few hundred years.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
The holidays can bring financial strain. Remember that some of the best gifts don’t have to cost a thing, like the gift of death. Go spread some holiday cheer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
The holiday season has you feeling romantic. Keep an eye out for an appealing stranger. Could this be love? Probably not, but when did that ever stop you?

 

Sean Peecock – 12.26.2018

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NOG HOG! – A No Particular Reason Christmas Special

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No Particular Reason takes a break from the headlines to bring you a delightful holiday treat: NOG HOG! Hosts Kevin and Emily take you on a journey through the history of that classic Christmas drink, Eggnog! So, make an appointment with your cardiologist and get ready to gulp down some nog, you hog!

Kevin White, Emily Galati, Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 12.23.2018

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“I Am Not Like All The Rest” – My Favorite Lines From Online Dating Profiles

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After becoming single at age 62, I joined an online dating site.  After a year of perusing profiles and meeting men for coffee, staying single is starting to look better and better to me.  But I’ve stayed on the site, in part for the pure enjoyment of reading what men choose to say about themselves when trying  to attract a partner. For instance?

Here are a few of my favorite lines from men’s online dating profiles:

 

I am romantic, passionate and caring, with just the right amount of masculinity. 

 I like to take hikes and catch frogs. 

 I have very little experience with sex. Bondage is okay. 

 I have achieved my life-long dream of seeing the total solar eclipse in Wyoming. 

It’s all about the endorphins. 

I have wealth and a doctoral degree and I want to find my new soulmate. 

I am not like all the rest. 

At 20, my great-grandfather plotted to kill the Czar.

I am mindful that random chance animates the universe. 

I have a deep affection for fresh ground coffee. 

I want butterflies!

I am always open to trying something new. Except skydiving. And playing with snakes.

I am a very handsome and well-built male. 

I was a pirate in my previous life and once a year, or more, I become special.

The woman I am looking for likes her gender. 

I’d love to have a pet elephant.

I can wiggle my ears. 

I am outgoing and spontaneous and possess ample amounts of wit and charm. 

I’m not into Facebook or any other types of whatever that is. 

The only fear I have is of butterflies. Those little things scare the heck out of me. Go figure. 

I’ve always believed that women make life SO much nicer — and I want one. 

Time’s a wastin’ so let’s saddle up and trot down the path to something special…

 

I’m not about to admire your wiggling ears or trot down the path with you. But thanks for making me smile – even if you didn’t mean to – and I wish you all the best in your quest to find someone who will.

Roz Warren – 12.14.2018

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. http://ow.ly/LpFgE.)

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Human Basics 1 – How To Elevator

This is the first of a running series on how to be a human. Today’s installment – how to operate an elevator properly and convincingly. Go be human.


 

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So you got a job in a building that requires you to ride an elevator every day. Good for you! I bet you keep some groceries in a shared kitchenette and took a few pics of that view for your Instagram. But don’t get all high and mighty (pun intended). If you’re going to fit in with the rest of the humans, you need to learn the do’s and the hey-don’t-do’s of riding an elevator. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Elevator? I Hardly Know ‘Er! – The elevator is a human carrier. Like a tiny room that moves you to different “floors” of the building. Sure, you can use the stairs like a freaking Libertarian, but most people prefer the luxury and care-free lifestyle that comes with automatic heightening. Most tall buildings have at least one elevator. Ideally there is one for every employee working on the property, but this is very rare and usually only found in lighthouses, so be prepared to share. As of 2018 there are only up-down elevators. They don’t go side-to-side or large-to-tiny.

Call That Boy – Most Elevators have a call button to let the giant robot that controls the building know you want to be raised. It might look like an upward arrow or just a button that lights up when you touch it. Be excited when it lights up, and say something nice. It’s doing this for you, for Christ sake. The least you can do is notice. If the call button is already lit up, you don’t have to push it again. The elevator is already on the way and you contribute nothing by pushing it again. In fact, if you see somebody else do this, give them a firm solid slap across the jowls like Moe.

Where To Stand – When the double-doors open, that’s your sign that the elevator has arrived. Let people off the elevator because humans are three-dimensional being who occupy space. Step on in, and move to the rear of the car, away from the door. This will let other people onto the elevator who also want to go to high places. Most people turn around and face the door they came in while riding the elevator, but if you want to create a very uncomfortable staring contest, the option is there. Go ahead and pick the weakest stranger and stare at him dead in his stupid face.

Where To Go – You should probably know this before you get on, but you need to have an idea of which floor is your destination. Whether it’s 18 (yay!) or 25 (boo!), locate the number associated with your goal on the panel and push the button. Again, this button will light up, so be ready to compliment the button on a job well done. There a lot of other buttons in this human container. Feel free to push any of them to just see what they do. Your elevator buddies will love you. The door close button does not work.

Movement – When the shared coffin begins to ascend, hold the railing with a white-knuckle grip as you dangle for your life inside a hollow cacophony of doom, taunting the devil through the hubris of man with nothing beneath you but the lingering pulse of inevitability. If you’re lucky, gravity won’t obviously overcome and snap the few flimsy cables and pull you down hundreds of feet into the blue flame of death, screaming the deepest breath from your frozen lungs while strangers watch the courage ripped from your hopeless soul in empty, overpowering fear. Ashes to ashes, truly alone. The final equalizer.

You’re Here! – You made it! Try not to be too surprised when the doors open and things are different than they were when they closed. It’s supposed to be! You’re in a whole other world now. Depending on what button you pushed, you’ve been lifted or lowered to a different “floor”. Go ahead and step off the elevator. Don’t bother “holding the door” for other people to get off first because you’re all going to the same place and the door isn’t actually closing anyway so just get the hell out of the way. In fact, if somebody else tries to do this, call them an idiot and poke them in both eyes at the same time like Moe.

And there you go! You’ve successfully completed elevators, Human Basics 1. Tune in next week (or later) for more helpful basics on how to be a human!

Jack Ritchey – 12.4.2018

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Aunt Sue’s Nyquil-Basted Turkey: Man Finally Wakes Up From Thanksgiving Nap

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Palatine, IL – Jerry Newman, a suburban husband, awoke on November 27 to discover that he had slept a full 120 hours after he had eaten half of the Thanksgiving turkey on a bet. The turkey was basted by his wife Susan using Nyquil as the foundation. Susan had this to say, “Oh gee, I do this every year to calm down the family after the meal. It helps us avoid all the nasty arguments by napping through the evening, you know? Then everyone takes off! I just wish my nephews had taken their naps before they left. God rest their souls.” Jerry woke up proclaiming himself the victor of the 2018 Turkey Bet. The bet involved Jerry gambling with his nephews that he could eat half of the 32 lb turkey and if he did they would have to buy him a Nintendo Switch from the Thursday night Walmart sale. Jerry was able to eat 16.1 lbs of turkey and promptly fell asleep. The nephews, honoring the deal, drove to Walmart but did not return. The Nyquil-basted Turkey kicked in as soon as the doors were opened and they were tragically trampled. Thankfully, Jerry has woken up in time for the funeral and plans to deliver a eulogy stating his victory over the nephews.The service will be held at St. Nectarios Greek Orthodox Church which Aunt Susan is exclusively catering for as a show of her condolences.

Bill Bates – 12.4.2018

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Ralph Lauren Supports Furry Culture; Announces Run For Presidency

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NEW YORK – In a transformative move, Ralph Lauren stores have erected mannequins with giant Polo Bear heads in order to support the Furry culture. When asked, an associate stated, “Ralph has long felt that the holiday season is not all inclusive. In order to show that we stand with the Furries, Ralph wanted us to display them in our store windows.”

The renowned Ralph Lauren himself spoke out. “It is time that our great nation accepts those from all walks of life.” he stated. “In this day and age, who are we to deny that Furries are truly animals instead of ‘humans in costumes’? Who are we to judge whether a bear and a deer want to fornicate instead of be mortal enemies? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.” At this time Ralph Lauren donned a Polo Bear head. “Too long I’ve hidden behind my flesh when I should have flown my fur! I am officially announcing my run for presidency in hopes of lessening our country’s divide. I am confident that my platform of unity will have the support of the people AND the animals! Long live Polo Bear! Long live the Furries!” Ralph then pounced off on all fours.

We had the opportunity to speak to a local wolf who resides in the Lincoln Park Zoo. His gnarls and his gnashes, while aggressive, seemed to be mostly approving.

Ralph Lauren was last seen in the Arctic hunting penguins with the Coca Cola Polar bear.

Bill Bates – 11/26/2018

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