11 Things To Do At Work That Still Kinda Look Like Work

Work

It’s Friday. Your boss is working from home and you don’t have any deadlines until next month. So… you’re at work, but you have no work. How do you kill all that time at the office while still looking like are doing things so you can justify getting paid for the day? Here’s a few tips!


1) Google Earth – This digital mapping program is a great resource for GIS analysis, directions for business travel, historical overlays, and exploring places you’ll go on vacation then Florida then beaches then other beaches then Hawaii then volcanoes then Pompeii then use Streetview to see if there are still some dead volcano people there.

2) Skype for Business – Use this conferencing tool to ping your coworkers for quick answers or hold remote meetings company-wide. It’s also useful for massive amounts of office gossip, or running an all-day trivia contest with the entire floor. Just be sure not to type anything that contains a less-than symbol next to the number 3, or you’ll accidentally send your boss a heart emoji (and he might not be ready for that yet).

3) Go to the Bathroom – And just sit for a while.

4) Check Stuff Out Guy – Have a walk to the copy room and check stuff out. Pick up a stapler. Neat. Ok, now put that down, then open a cabinet. Everything in there checks out. Ok, have a look at the print cue. Wow, Ian is printing 43 pages, I bet he’s going to do some reading soon. What’s that black thing on the counter? Might as well see if you can spin it like a top. Alright, job well done. Back to the ol’ workdesk.

5) Wikipedia Quest – Log on to Wikipedia to get some quick info on a topic so you can speak to it with the client, but then get lost in the abandoned salt mine that is the “random article” button. Now that you’re reading about Miejska Wieś, the village in Poland and its history in Eastern Prussia, try to get back to the article you started on by clicking only the hyperlinks within each article. (Hint: Prussia > German Unification > Napoleonic Wars. I’m sure you can find your way back to accountant stuff from there)

6) Go to the Kitchenette – And just stand for a while.

7) Excel your Life – Microsoft Excel is the standard for organizing data sheets and sorting information in a clean and efficient way. It’s also the standard for lazy attempts to organize your own life, like tracking your weight loss, creating a personal budget you won’t stick to, or building your own roulette program so you can always win at gambling (which you can!).

8) Giggle at LinkedIn – If you work in HR, you no doubt use LinkedIn on a regular basis to find qualified candidates, but don’t hesitate to also click random profiles and snicker at their pictures and qualifications. This guy added “swords” as a skill, and is wearing a bow tie. (Pro tip: look for other jobs).

9) Do You Have Any Work Voicemails? – No.

10) Set your Fantasy Teams – Most of the halfway-decent fantasy sites like ESPN and CBS are set up with plenty of office-y looking material. Bar graphs, pie charts, expert statistical analysis, and a cash-flow of how your kicker performs over a 10-year holding period. Why if they didn’t know any better, the people walking past your desk might say you’re hard at work, what with all those numbers on your screen!

11) Create a Comedy Satire Website


So there it is, 11 things you can do at work that aren’t work but still kinda look like work. Now get out there and waste your day! And if anybody from Mobilitie is reading this… I’m creating a tracker.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

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Was It Brillig For You? It Was Brillig For Me!

Carrol

After a friend confided that his girlfriend always starts reciting poetry when she climaxes (specifically, Lewis Carroll’s Jabbarwocky) I began to wonder just how unusual this kind of behavior is. So I asked my Facebook pals, “Have you ever had a partner who said or did something similarly odd or unexpected at that particular moment?

Their responses?

  • “I laugh when I come. But I would never recite poetry.”
  • “I once blurted out the name of baseball player Bob Aspromonte.”
  • “A frat brother of mine could easily be heard by everyone on the dorm floor yelling ‘United States Marine Corps!'”
  • “Sometimes I shout “Whoa Dogs!” I have no idea why.”
  • “I hooked up with a guy once who, when he climaxed, shouted, ‘THANK YOU EVERYBODY, DON’T FORGET TO TRY THE FOCACCIA BREAD!'”
  • “I once dated a dude who liked to call out the model and color of the cars he was planning on owning in the future.”
  • “I’ve been known to start reciting Shakespeare. But only when I’m really drunk.”
  • “I swear when I come. Does that count?”
  • “I tend to go with the last few words of Ulysses.”
  • “My first college girlfriend always started hollering in Italian when she was in the throes. I thought it was sexy, even though I had no idea what she was saying.”
  • “About 3 years ago, my best friend hooked up with a guy who yelled, ‘ITS-A ME, MARIO!’ when he finished.”
  • “Poetry? No way. Just heavy breathing, a long sigh, then snoring.”
  • “I once had a one night stand with a guy who yelled ‘OH GRANDMA’ right before climaxing. (Which is one of the reasons it remained a one night stand.)”
  • “I usually say ‘I love you.’ How unoriginal is that? (But my wife doesn’t seem to mind.)”

Do you emit a simple “I love you?” Or do you start proclaiming the Gettysburg address? Please tell us all about it in the Comments section!

Roz Warren – 11.14.2018.

Roz Warren (RosalindWarren.com) writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times.

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Updated Images Of The Caravan!

Caravan

 

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

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November 9, 2018 · 2:26 pm

Remember to Vote on November 6th

Well, its that time again. After two years of a truly wild news cycle now is your chance to do something. Go vote, if for no other reason, to reduce all those crazy news alerts that won’t stop popping up on your phone.

Don’t be like this guy, get out and vote!

Research your ballot and find your polling place here.

Ryan Doris, Kevin White, Gregg Roberson & Jack Ritchey – 11.05.2018

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Horrorscopes – Halloween Time!

It’s Halloween! Or maybe it’s not. Either way, make the devil proud by reading more horror-themed horoscopes.

 

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Sean Peecook and Bari Khan – 10.31.2018

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Horrorscopes

Hooroscope[1]

It’s Halloween, and everything is spookier. TV shows, diners, the dark recesses of your mind, and now even Horoscopes. So we made Horrorscopes. They don’t just predict information about your life… they predict information about your death. And just like Horoscopes, they’re 100% factual.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Did you wake up feeling off today, Aries? Know that all of your insecurities are based in objective truths.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your stubbornness could come in handy today when you have to convince people that you aren’t a ghost. Good luck.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
The time is right for you to pursue the one you’ve had your eye on, Gemini. Live today like there is no tomorrow, because for you there isn’t.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You have it.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
You should feel proud of yourself today, Leo. You’re the only one that survived the killings. Enjoy the limelight, no one suspects you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Someone could be wishing to cause you harm, Virgo. It might be a friend, family member or particular Horoscope writer that you wronged many years ago.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Both you and your partner need to share in responsibility and communication, because if you are going to jail for “the accident” then so the fuck are they.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 – November 21)
Something trivial could lead to a conflict between family members, making you unsure of what to do. Except you’ve always known what must be done, Scorpio. Make them pay.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Remember that every fire starts with a spark, Sagittarius. Look within to see what else you can set aflame. Cleanse the world around you with a powerful wildfire. Lay low for a few weeks until this thing blows over.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
A new career opportunity could be on the horizon, but achieving your goals will require making a sacrifice. Try a goat.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You should be feeling drawn to nature lately, Aquarius. This could be the perfect opportunity to go back to the lake house and end this once and for all.

PISCES (Feb 19 – March 20)
Expect to do some serious soul-searching today, Pisces. There’s nothing to be found, is there? You’re a husk, withering in the wind. Submit to the abyss.

 

Sean Peecook & Bari Khan – 10.26.2018

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Welcome To Your Public Library – Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave!

Amy Cheney Alameda County Library Juvenile Justice Center San Leandro

A librarian pal recently posted the following question on a Facebook group for librarians: “If there were a sign that prohibited the craziest, oddest or grossest thing that has happened at your library, what would it say?”

If you think libraries are serene and uneventful places to work, their answers might surprise you:

  • No pulling your pants down and pretending to poop on our American flag.
  • Don’t get down on your hands and knees, pretend that you’re a dog and have your friends chase you around the Quiet Reading Room.
  • Don’t lie down on the floor, pull out your penis and waggle it at old ladies.
  • No suicide attempts at the multimedia desk.
  • Please do not ask library staff if we are wearing black pantyhose.
  • Please bandage all head wounds before using library-owned headphones.
  • Please take your dildos with you when you leave.
  • No defecating in books by authors whose political views you oppose.
  • Do not return our books in “sticky” condition.
  • Paperback spinners are not urinals.
  • Please do not remove your clothing.
  • No weapons, even if they are antique.
  • No masturbating in front of the nuns.
  • No masturbating on female patrons from the mezzanine.
  • Don’t clip your toenails over the computer keyboards.
  • People who leave wet, partially chewed piles of sunflower seeds on our book shelves will be taken out and shot.
  • Please do not pay library fines with money you’ve just pulled out of your underwear.
  • No sex in the bathroom.
  • No taking photos of women’s feet under the tables.
  • Don’t call the reference desk and ask the librarian if you can suck her boobs.
  • The public use microwave shall not be used to cook squirrel.

If you wouldn’t think of doing any of these things in a library? I’d like to thank you on behalf of library workers everywhere. And if you were about to head over to the library to take a few sneaky feet photos, strip and then cook up some roadkill?

Better think twice. We’re onto you.

Roz Warren – 10/21/2018

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR http://ow.ly/LpFgE,)

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