Childless Couple Really Enjoying Life Without Purpose

Young lovely couple walking in spring park

CHESTERFIELD, MO – After another late night of drinks and a movie followed by sleeping peacefully until noon on a Sunday in their cold lonely house, sources reported this week that childless couple Mark and Lindsey Walden were really enjoying their life without a purpose. “It’s fantastic. We can go out whenever we want, watch anything we want on TV, save a ton of money on college tuition, and never once do we have the awful burden of caring for something beautiful that we love with all our hearts,” said Lindsey through a cracking smile, adding that it was relieving to just relax and never have to fulfill God’s will for man or the perpetuate the meaning to life itself. “I see all these people on Facebook making lifelong memories, grateful for the ability to raise a family, fully committing themselves to somebody who will carry on their torch for them long after they pass, but hey, at least I don’t have to change diapers! This afternoon we may go to the zoo, see a Disney movie, or to an amusement park, and we never have to do anything just because a child would enjoy it.” At press time, Lindsey and Mark were debating about whether a boat, a new vacation home, or a month-long trip backpacking through Europe would work best to fill the vacuous, child-shaped holes in their hearts.

Jack Ritchey – 1.10.2019

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Two-Year-Old Moves Forward With Plan To Scream In Car

Toddler in car

DES PLAINES, IL – Citing his suspiciously quiet evil smirk while being rolled through the Six Flags Great America parking lot, coupled with the obscene amount of sugar on the funnel-cake he just had to have for lunch, sources confirmed Tuesday that two-year-old Mason Oliver is way too stimulated, and moving forward with his plan to scream in the car on the way home.

“We knew we were in trouble when Mason started to kick his disgusting feet into my mouth as I buckled him into the car seat, and the way he started to sing a song, but not really singing, just like ‘yell-sing’, you know? But neither of us anticipated the unhinged shriek that exploded from my son’s facehole once I shut the door to his side of the Prius,” said an exhausted Mrs. Oliver just outside the car, taking one last breath in a moment of freedom before opening the driver’s door and entering the vortex of sound and emotion.

“It’s clear he has been planning to destroy our brains with this howl ever since earlier when we met Bugs Bunny,” yelled Mason’s mother over the noise as she drove, adding that normally Mason’s unprovoked inhuman bellows were coupled with violent thrashings and her husband twisting his spine backwards in an attempt to calm the toddler by sheepishly saying “Hey Mason? We have to try and be quiet now, ok?”

“He plans attacks like this so often, I’ve forgotten what the car radio sounds like. You get kinda used to it though. I tune it out like a white noise machine, only instead of white noise it’s your stupid child’s meaningless questions and screeches.” At press time, Mason could be seen pointing at cars on the freeway and yell-asking nonsensical garbage things about them like “who drives that car!?”, while Mason’s mother angrily read a text message from a childless friend asking when they could go get drinks.

Jack Ritchey – 9.25.2018

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Bill Cosby Demands Fellow Prisoners Clean Up Their Language

Bill Cosby, Norristown, USA - 23 Apr 2018

PENNSYLVANIA – Having reached his limit for indecency, Bill Cosby reportedly announced to a crowded cafeteria at SCI Phoenix that he “wouldn’t listen to anymore of this filth” and retreated to his cell. Kevin Downey, Cosby’s cellmate, told reporters Wednesday that he felt like he couldn’t express himself around America’s dad. “Bill talked the prison staff into getting rid of all of the vulgar books from the prison library. And that really makes me mad because I was thinking of putting Tropic of Cancer in a pillowcase and beating someone with it,” said Downey, adding that he hated feeling inferior to Cosby when making a speech to incite violence. “Bill always says he doesn’t need to use bad language in his material, and I can see him shaking his head when I say curse words to get a shiv fight going.” The fellow prisoner said that it was a shame that Cosby couldn’t get past his use of curse words because he felt like they might actually have a lot in common.

Austin Smith – 1.4.2019

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President Orders Flags At Full Mast To Honor 24 Hours With No Mass Shootings

The American Flag being raised at Penn State's Old Main lawn.

WASHINGTON – With a somber tone noting the rarity of such an occasion, Friday President Trump chose to honor one full 24-hour period where no mass shooting occurred by ordering flags be flown at full mast. “This is a unique occasion, so to pay our respects and honor to this day [sic], I’m ordering the America flag be flown at full mast, all the way up to the tops of the flag poles,” the President tweeted, adding that his thoughts and prayers are with all of the people who did not get slaughtered by gunfire in the United States over the past day and evening. “All year long while the flags are regularly flown at half mast, we will be reminded of these 24-hours, and how uncommon and beautiful each one of them was.” At press time there is no word on where the flags will be flown tomorrow.

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

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President Marks Veteran’s Day By Pardoning One Lucky Prisoner Of War

Trump Vets

GUANTANAMO BAY – In a light-hearted ceremony in front of several soft chuckling photographers and an elementary school group today, President Trump cheerfully marked Veteran’s Day by pardoning one lucky prisoner of war. “On this solemn day we take time to honor and respect the brave men and women who volunteered, and died, to fight for the country they love. But this particular soldier won’t end up on anyone’s table tonight,” joked the President over the prisoner’s desperate pleas in his foreign tongue, as guards lowered him down from the gallows in front of the American flag. “This is the biggest, most tender and juicy war criminal we have in our custody, and by granting him a pardon it’s a message to all the other combatants out there that we will win no matter what. So get outta here! Next time you won’t be so lucky!” The Commander-in-Chief then removed the man’s hood and slapped him on his naked ass, sending him running off aimless and hungry into the dense Cuban jungle.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

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My Resolutions For You In 2019

New-Years-eve-toledo

Every year I make New Year’s resolutions and every year I break them. So this year, I’m trying something different – resolutions for other people. Hey world – here are the changes I’d like to see YOU make in 2019.

  • If you didn’t vote? Stop complaining about election results.
  • Supermarket shoppers attempting to sneak a full cart through the 10-items-or-less lane? Maybe 2019 can be the year you learn to count.
  • Drivers? Your car is equipped with turn signals for a reason. Use them.
  • Waiters! Please don’t ask, “Are you done working on that?” Dining out, for me, isn’t work. It’s fun. But it’s a lot less fun when you come at me with that question. (And don’t whisk away my plate a nanosecond after I finish, especially if my companion is still eating.)
  • Cell phone owners? No more blathering on your phone in public restrooms. I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet to be both private and sacred. I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your stock portfolio.
  • Dog walkers who can’t be bothered to pick up your pooch’s poop? Don’t make me follow you down the block yelling, “Hey! Aren’t you forgetting something?”
  • Magazines? Stop running articles about people losing weight and people gaining weight. This world is going to hell in a hand basket and the last thing that matters is how plump or lean we are on that particular journey.
  • Home owners with leaf blowers? Instead of producing toxic noise pollution, why not get a rake and get some exercise?
  • Don’t text while driving. Trust me – there’s nothing you have to say that can’t wait until you’ve stopped the car.
  • Anyone who responds to “Thank you!” with “No problem?” I don’t care if it’s a problem or not. The only correct response is “You’re welcome.”
  • Do you constantly sniff and snuffle and snort instead of blowing your nose? Do the world a favor in 2019 and learn to use Kleenex.
  • People who hug too much? Back off. I don’t want to dance with you. I just want to say hello.
  • Do you chew with your mouth open? Close your pie hole. Do you slurp your soup? Quiet down. (Or I’ll be tempted to fling a fork at you.)
  • Turn off your phone in the theatre. If you can’t spend two hours without feeling compelled to shop for cat food, check your email, or see if anyone has responded to your latest Tweet, maybe you should just stay home. (Or better yet, seek therapy.)
  • Children who have grown up and are no longer living at home? Phone your mom right now and tell her you love her. (It’s the very least you can do, and it’ll make her day.)
  • Library patrons who returned a book late but want to weasel out of paying the fine? Shut your mouth and open your wallet. Public libraries are a gift and a treasure, and they desperately need funding. Thank you.
  • And guys? Can we make 2019 the year the toilet seat finally stays down?

BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2019!

Roz Warren – 12.27.2018

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES, A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. http://ow.ly/LpFgE)

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Holiday Horrorscopes!

Hooroscope[1]

We all know the reason for the season: There is no reason. Life is chaos. So, why not celebrate the holidays with abandon? Your gift: Your very own ho ho Horrorscope.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Something is bothering you today, but you’re not sure what. Could you be forgetting something? Kevin!

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You could be on the brink of a major move. Expect to be long gone by the time the body washes up.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Opportunity will come from a surprising place today. Expect strangers from your past, present and future to visit you. Heed their warnings. This could be a chance for change, but you’ll never change, will you?

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Does it feel like the whole world is against you today? We are.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Mercury is no longer in Retrograde, so you have no one to blame for your chaotic mess of a life but yourself.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Allow them to celebrate the birth of their “king”. Let them drink deeply, ’til they are full, drunk, and docile. Bide your time, don your robes, and unearth the ceremonial blade. The old ways will return, and with them comes the blood moon.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Take advantage of all the holiday season has to offer. Treat yourself by buying something that you’ve had your eye on. You’ve never felt emptier.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Someone is watching over you. Listen to what this special visitor is trying to show you. What would the world be like without you? Turns out everyone is much happier.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your ruling planet needs you. Return to Mercury at once.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Large social gatherings can seem intimidating, but showing up to tonight’s witches’ Sabbath could pay off with the High Priestess in a few hundred years.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
The holidays can bring financial strain. Remember that some of the best gifts don’t have to cost a thing, like the gift of death. Go spread some holiday cheer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
The holiday season has you feeling romantic. Keep an eye out for an appealing stranger. Could this be love? Probably not, but when did that ever stop you?

 

Sean Peecock – 12.26.2018

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