Coors Light Introduces New Semi-Automatic Assault Can

coors-light

GOLDEN, CO–With the goal of improving drinkers’ comfort and accuracy, Miller-Coors has announced plans to sell Coors Light in a new easy-to-use, semi-automatic assault can, complete with a soft grip, sturdy frame, and mountains that turn blue once the safety is off. “This new lightweight assault-style can ensures each Silver Bullet® hits its target with power and efficiency. The ‘target’ in this case is your liver” said CEO Dale Bernard, adding that the new cans will be available anywhere beer is sold with a valid state ID and a quick mental-health check. “Beer is an American tradition, and we support protecting our 21st Amendment rights. And if the Big Brother federal government wants to take away our right to drink a delicious Coors Light, they can come get it from my cold, refreshed hands!” Bernard ended the press conference with a quiet reminder that drinkers should only shoot beers directly into their mouths responsibly.

Jack Ritchey – 9.14.2017

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