MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO – Putting up a newly purchased “For Rent” sign in front of the suburban duplex and callously ripping down the “Police Line Do Not Cross” tape, area landlord Chuck Growronski was reportedly relieved that his former tenant decided to use the garage as the site to murder his entire family. “This is a beautiful 2,600 square-foot unit with soundproof walls, and you got a railing overlooking the den, so what I’m saying is the guy had options. But now I don’t gotta paint, or shampoo carpets, or spackle any bullet holes. A real model tenant.” grinned Growronski, adding that the epoxy garage floor coating seals in heat during the winter and makes cleaning up blood stains a breeze. “I’m gunna lease this baby up fully-furnished. It’s already got a TV, bedroom, clothes, food in the fridge, a dog, and an adorable little nursery.” At press time the former resident could not be reached for comment, and was last seen at a truck stop on Route 30 wearing a black cap and jean jacket.
Jack Ritchey – 12.5.2017