HEAVEN – Dropping his almighty head onto the white marble desk out of frustration and looking up at the clock striking 6:34pm, sources have confirmed today that an exhausted God has been once again swamped by another new flood of thoughts and prayers. “Son of a bitch, are you kidding me? All these shootings are a huge pain in my ass. I feel like I am funneling through the same moments of silence and heartfelt outpours every goddamn month over here” wined the exasperated omniscient deity, adding that he may have to work overtime to sift through the millions of people sharing the same themed facebook profile filter. “I’m so sick of this shit. If a bunch of people die tragically, you all should do something to stop it. Don’t just give me a bunch of busy work. I can’t get around to answering your actual prayers if you all keep killing each other” At press time God could be seen starting to close his laptop and head out for the evening when he suddenly received another CNN breaking news alert.
Jack Ritchey – 2.15.2018