CHESTERFIELD, MO – After another late night of drinks and a movie followed by sleeping peacefully until noon on a Sunday in their cold lonely house, sources reported this week that childless couple Mark and Lindsey Walden were really enjoying their life without a purpose. “It’s fantastic. We can go out whenever we want, watch anything we want on TV, save a ton of money on college tuition, and never once do we have the awful burden of caring for something beautiful that we love with all our hearts,” said Lindsey through a cracking smile, adding that it was relieving to just relax and never have to fulfill God’s will for man or the perpetuate the meaning to life itself. “I see all these people on Facebook making lifelong memories, grateful for the ability to raise a family, fully committing themselves to somebody who will carry on their torch for them long after they pass, but hey, at least I don’t have to change diapers! This afternoon we may go to the zoo, see a Disney movie, or to an amusement park, and we never have to do anything just because a child would enjoy it.” At press time, Lindsey and Mark were debating about whether a boat, a new vacation home, or a month-long trip backpacking through Europe would work best to fill the vacuous, child-shaped holes in their hearts.
DES PLAINES, IL – Citing his suspiciously quiet evil smirk while being rolled through the Six Flags Great America parking lot, coupled with the obscene amount of sugar on the funnel-cake he just had to have for lunch, sources confirmed Tuesday that two-year-old Mason Oliver is way too stimulated, and moving forward with his plan to scream in the car on the way home.
“We knew we were in trouble when Mason started to kick his disgusting feet into my mouth as I buckled him into the car seat, and the way he started to sing a song, but not really singing, just like ‘yell-sing’, you know? But neither of us anticipated the unhinged shriek that exploded from my son’s facehole once I shut the door to his side of the Prius,” said an exhausted Mrs. Oliver just outside the car, taking one last breath in a moment of freedom before opening the driver’s door and entering the vortex of sound and emotion.
“It’s clear he has been planning to destroy our brains with this howl ever since earlier when we met Bugs Bunny,” yelled Mason’s mother over the noise as she drove, adding that normally Mason’s unprovoked inhuman bellows were coupled with violent thrashings and her husband twisting his spine backwards in an attempt to calm the toddler by sheepishly saying “Hey Mason? We have to try and be quiet now, ok?”
“He plans attacks like this so often, I’ve forgotten what the car radio sounds like. You get kinda used to it though. I tune it out like a white noise machine, only instead of white noise it’s your stupid child’s meaningless questions and screeches.” At press time, Mason could be seen pointing at cars on the freeway and yell-asking nonsensical garbage things about them like “who drives that car!?”, while Mason’s mother angrily read a text message from a childless friend asking when they could go get drinks.
WASHINGTON – With a somber tone noting the rarity of such an occasion, Friday President Trump chose to honor one full 24-hour period where no mass shooting occurred by ordering flags be flown at full mast. “This is a unique occasion, so to pay our respects and honor to this day [sic], I’m ordering the America flag be flown at full mast, all the way up to the tops of the flag poles,” the President tweeted, adding that his thoughts and prayers are with all of the people who did not get slaughtered by gunfire in the United States over the past day and evening. “All year long while the flags are regularly flown at half mast, we will be reminded of these 24-hours, and how uncommon and beautiful each one of them was.” At press time there is no word on where the flags will be flown tomorrow.
GUANTANAMO BAY – In a light-hearted ceremony in front of several soft chuckling photographers and an elementary school group today, President Trump cheerfully marked Veteran’s Day by pardoning one lucky prisoner of war. “On this solemn day we take time to honor and respect the brave men and women who volunteered, and died, to fight for the country they love. But this particular soldier won’t end up on anyone’s table tonight,” joked the President over the prisoner’s desperate pleas in his foreign tongue, as guards lowered him down from the gallows in front of the American flag. “This is the biggest, most tender and juicy war criminal we have in our custody, and by granting him a pardon it’s a message to all the other combatants out there that we will win no matter what. So get outta here! Next time you won’t be so lucky!” The Commander-in-Chief then removed the man’s hood and slapped him on his naked ass, sending him running off aimless and hungry into the dense Cuban jungle.