THE OFFICE – “JIM’S INTERVIEW”
AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT
By: Jack Ritchey
THE OFFICE – “JIM’S INTERVIEW”
AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT
By: Jack Ritchey
NPR is back to discuss the border walls, single people, CGI, and Aaron Sorkin. Hot button topics! Issues!
Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 2.14.2019
Contributors: Kevin White, Jim Mourey, Sean Peecook
Filed under Jack Ritchey, Jim Mourey, Kevin White, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris, Sean Peecook
CHESTERFIELD, MO – After another late night of drinks and a movie followed by sleeping peacefully until noon on a Sunday in their cold lonely house, sources reported this week that childless couple Mark and Lindsey Walden were really enjoying their life without a purpose. “It’s fantastic. We can go out whenever we want, watch anything we want on TV, save a ton of money on college tuition, and never once do we have the awful burden of caring for something beautiful that we love with all our hearts,” said Lindsey through a cracking smile, adding that it was relieving to just relax and never have to fulfill God’s will for man or the perpetuate the meaning to life itself. “I see all these people on Facebook making lifelong memories, grateful for the ability to raise a family, fully committing themselves to somebody who will carry on their torch for them long after they pass, but hey, at least I don’t have to change diapers! This afternoon we may go to the zoo, see a Disney movie, or to an amusement park, and we never have to do anything just because a child would enjoy it.” At press time, Lindsey and Mark were debating about whether a boat, a new vacation home, or a month-long trip backpacking through Europe would work best to fill the vacuous, child-shaped holes in their hearts.
Jack Ritchey – 1.10.2019
DES PLAINES, IL – Citing his suspiciously quiet evil smirk while being rolled through the Six Flags Great America parking lot, coupled with the obscene amount of sugar on the funnel-cake he just had to have for lunch, sources confirmed Tuesday that two-year-old Mason Oliver is way too stimulated, and moving forward with his plan to scream in the car on the way home.
“We knew we were in trouble when Mason started to kick his disgusting feet into my mouth as I buckled him into the car seat, and the way he started to sing a song, but not really singing, just like ‘yell-sing’, you know? But neither of us anticipated the unhinged shriek that exploded from my son’s facehole once I shut the door to his side of the Prius,” said an exhausted Mrs. Oliver just outside the car, taking one last breath in a moment of freedom before opening the driver’s door and entering the vortex of sound and emotion.
“It’s clear he has been planning to destroy our brains with this howl ever since earlier when we met Bugs Bunny,” yelled Mason’s mother over the noise as she drove, adding that normally Mason’s unprovoked inhuman bellows were coupled with violent thrashings and her husband twisting his spine backwards in an attempt to calm the toddler by sheepishly saying “Hey Mason? We have to try and be quiet now, ok?”
“He plans attacks like this so often, I’ve forgotten what the car radio sounds like. You get kinda used to it though. I tune it out like a white noise machine, only instead of white noise it’s your stupid child’s meaningless questions and screeches.” At press time, Mason could be seen pointing at cars on the freeway and yell-asking nonsensical garbage things about them like “who drives that car!?”, while Mason’s mother angrily read a text message from a childless friend asking when they could go get drinks.
Jack Ritchey – 9.25.2018
WASHINGTON – With a somber tone noting the rarity of such an occasion, Friday President Trump chose to honor one full 24-hour period where no mass shooting occurred by ordering flags be flown at full mast. “This is a unique occasion, so to pay our respects and honor to this day [sic], I’m ordering the America flag be flown at full mast, all the way up to the tops of the flag poles,” the President tweeted, adding that his thoughts and prayers are with all of the people who did not get slaughtered by gunfire in the United States over the past day and evening. “All year long while the flags are regularly flown at half mast, we will be reminded of these 24-hours, and how uncommon and beautiful each one of them was.” At press time there is no word on where the flags will be flown tomorrow.
Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018
GUANTANAMO BAY – In a light-hearted ceremony in front of several soft chuckling photographers and an elementary school group today, President Trump cheerfully marked Veteran’s Day by pardoning one lucky prisoner of war. “On this solemn day we take time to honor and respect the brave men and women who volunteered, and died, to fight for the country they love. But this particular soldier won’t end up on anyone’s table tonight,” joked the President over the prisoner’s desperate pleas in his foreign tongue, as guards lowered him down from the gallows in front of the American flag. “This is the biggest, most tender and juicy war criminal we have in our custody, and by granting him a pardon it’s a message to all the other combatants out there that we will win no matter what. So get outta here! Next time you won’t be so lucky!” The Commander-in-Chief then removed the man’s hood and slapped him on his naked ass, sending him running off aimless and hungry into the dense Cuban jungle.
Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018
No Particular Reason takes a break from the headlines to bring you a delightful holiday treat: NOG HOG! Hosts Kevin and Emily take you on a journey through the history of that classic Christmas drink, Eggnog! So, make an appointment with your cardiologist and get ready to gulp down some nog, you hog!
Kevin White, Emily Galati, Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 12.23.2018
Filed under Emily Galati, Jack Ritchey, Kevin White, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris
Welp you’ve crushed piles of beige food and pulled yourself out of that deep turkey coma in the wee small hours of the morning to go wait in line in the frigid late November weather. All in the hope of stomping some necks and snagging the best deal of the year on the nicest tv around. But not every Black Friday deal is worth it and not every tv is created equal. So, know before you go, here are SEVEN things to look for when shopping for a TV this Black Friday.
Ultra HD, 4K, BLUR-Vision, who can keep up? But it’s important to know, it’s not how good your tv looks when you buy it but more importantly if your tv makes a promise to improve itself in the coming year. Lose some weight, read more, or anything to let you know its not just going to lay around and watch itself all day.
You’re going to see a lot of deals out there that seem too good to be true, and many will be. $200 for a 72 inch 4K smart TV?! Go fuck a dog, you liar! But what that price tag isn’t showing you is all the other hidden costs lumped in with your brand new set. Make sure you budget for all your soon to be needed diet pills and therapy sessions for your child’s abandonment issues.
When it comes to watching the big game or that new blockbuster movie, size really does matter. Before you buy, make sure to check the size of the TVs dick.
With so many TV’s out there how do you know which one is right for you? Well, it’s important to know if you can see yourself in the TV. I mean, truly see yourself. In those brief moments of nothingness, as the channels change, who is reflected back in the black mirror looming before you? Is it you? “It doesn’t look like me. That person is so old… How long have I been sitting here?”
Every TV on sale this Black Friday will likely have built in smart tech. TV’s these days listen to you, anticipate your needs, and some are even watching you while you watch them! So, don’t be a show they’d skip. Turn your life into an interesting and wacky series of events to make sure your TV continues to tune in. Get your kooky neighbor to help you date two people at once, or trick your roommate into jumping a shark over your sofa. Either way your TV will be recommending you to all their smart device friends.
A lot of TVs have the curve now, and others are the traditional flat. While both of these options are neat, nothing compares to the TVs that are an absolute right angle.
A lot of people will tell you the extended warranty is a scam. But look at it this way; technology is an investment. Don’t you want the comfort of knowing that when you pass this TV down to your child in 50 years, once the top soil is scorched and bands of gypsy marauders roam the wasteland, your daughter will be able to bring this heirloom into any burnt out husk of a best buy and get it repaired by the geek CHUDS?
There you have it. Go into this Black Friday armed with the knowledge and confidence to buy your perfect TV. Oh, and PRO TIP, pay the extra money for the power cable. It’s not cheap but it’ll make your new television work so much better.
Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 11.21.2018
Filed under Jack Ritchey, Ryan Doris
Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018
Well, its that time again. After two years of a truly wild news cycle now is your chance to do something. Go vote, if for no other reason, to reduce all those crazy news alerts that won’t stop popping up on your phone.
Don’t be like this guy, get out and vote!
Research your ballot and find your polling place here.
Ryan Doris, Kevin White, Gregg Roberson & Jack Ritchey – 11.05.2018
Filed under Gregg Roberson, Jack Ritchey, Kevin White, Ryan Doris, Video