Category Archives: Jack Ritchey

NOG HOG! – A No Particular Reason Christmas Special

NogHog_Logo

No Particular Reason takes a break from the headlines to bring you a delightful holiday treat: NOG HOG! Hosts Kevin and Emily take you on a journey through the history of that classic Christmas drink, Eggnog! So, make an appointment with your cardiologist and get ready to gulp down some nog, you hog!

Kevin White, Emily Galati, Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 12.23.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Emily Galati, Jack Ritchey, Kevin White, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris

Human Basics 1 – How To Elevator

This is the first of a running series on how to be a human. Today’s installment – how to operate an elevator properly and convincingly. Go be human.


 

Elevator-Pitch-1

So you got a job in a building that requires you to ride an elevator every day. Good for you! I bet you keep some groceries in a shared kitchenette and took a few pics of that view for your Instagram. But don’t get all high and mighty (pun intended). If you’re going to fit in with the rest of the humans, you need to learn the do’s and the hey-don’t-do’s of riding an elevator. Let’s start with the easy stuff.

Elevator? I Hardly Know ‘Er! – The elevator is a human carrier. Like a tiny room that moves you to different “floors” of the building. Sure, you can use the stairs like a freaking Libertarian, but most people prefer the luxury and care-free lifestyle that comes with automatic heightening. Most tall buildings have at least one elevator. Ideally there is one for every employee working on the property, but this is very rare and usually only found in lighthouses, so be prepared to share. As of 2018 there are only up-down elevators. They don’t go side-to-side or large-to-tiny.

Call That Boy – Most Elevators have a call button to let the giant robot that controls the building know you want to be raised. It might look like an upward arrow or just a button that lights up when you touch it. Be excited when it lights up, and say something nice. It’s doing this for you, for Christ sake. The least you can do is notice. If the call button is already lit up, you don’t have to push it again. The elevator is already on the way and you contribute nothing by pushing it again. In fact, if you see somebody else do this, give them a firm solid slap across the jowls like Moe.

Where To Stand – When the double-doors open, that’s your sign that the elevator has arrived. Let people off the elevator because humans are three-dimensional being who occupy space. Step on in, and move to the rear of the car, away from the door. This will let other people onto the elevator who also want to go to high places. Most people turn around and face the door they came in while riding the elevator, but if you want to create a very uncomfortable staring contest, the option is there. Go ahead and pick the weakest stranger and stare at him dead in his stupid face.

Where To Go – You should probably know this before you get on, but you need to have an idea of which floor is your destination. Whether it’s 18 (yay!) or 25 (boo!), locate the number associated with your goal on the panel and push the button. Again, this button will light up, so be ready to compliment the button on a job well done. There a lot of other buttons in this human container. Feel free to push any of them to just see what they do. Your elevator buddies will love you. The door close button does not work.

Movement – When the shared coffin begins to ascend, hold the railing with a white-knuckle grip as you dangle for your life inside a hollow cacophony of doom, taunting the devil through the hubris of man with nothing beneath you but the lingering pulse of inevitability. If you’re lucky, gravity won’t obviously overcome and snap the few flimsy cables and pull you down hundreds of feet into the blue flame of death, screaming the deepest breath from your frozen lungs while strangers watch the courage ripped from your hopeless soul in empty, overpowering fear. Ashes to ashes, truly alone. The final equalizer.

You’re Here! – You made it! Try not to be too surprised when the doors open and things are different than they were when they closed. It’s supposed to be! You’re in a whole other world now. Depending on what button you pushed, you’ve been lifted or lowered to a different “floor”. Go ahead and step off the elevator. Don’t bother “holding the door” for other people to get off first because you’re all going to the same place and the door isn’t actually closing anyway so just get the hell out of the way. In fact, if somebody else tries to do this, call them an idiot and poke them in both eyes at the same time like Moe.

And there you go! You’ve successfully completed elevators, Human Basics 1. Tune in next week (or later) for more helpful basics on how to be a human!

Jack Ritchey – 12.4.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

7 Tips for Buying a TV on Black Friday

BFTVDeals

Welp you’ve crushed piles of beige food and pulled yourself out of that deep turkey coma in the wee small hours of the morning to go wait in line in the frigid late November weather. All in the hope of stomping some necks and snagging the best deal of the year on the nicest tv around. But not every Black Friday deal is worth it and not every tv is created equal. So, know before you go, here are SEVEN things to look for when shopping for a TV this Black Friday.

1. Resolution

Ultra HD, 4K, BLUR-Vision, who can keep up? But it’s important to know, it’s not how good your tv looks when you buy it but more importantly if your tv makes a promise to improve itself in the coming year. Lose some weight, read more, or anything to let you know its not just going to lay around and watch itself all day.

2. Price

You’re going to see a lot of deals out there that seem too good to be true, and many will be. $200 for a 72 inch 4K smart TV?! Go fuck a dog, you liar! But what that price tag isn’t showing you is all the other hidden costs lumped in with your brand new set. Make sure you budget for all your soon to be needed diet pills and therapy sessions for your child’s abandonment issues.

3. Size

When it comes to watching the big game or that new blockbuster movie, size really does matter. Before you buy, make sure to check the size of the TVs dick.

4. Is it Right for You?

With so many TV’s out there how do you know which one is right for you? Well, it’s important to know if you can see yourself in the TV. I mean, truly see yourself. In those brief moments of nothingness, as the channels change, who is reflected back in the black mirror looming before you? Is it you? “It doesn’t look like me. That person is so old… How long have I been sitting here?”

5. Smart Tech

Every TV on sale this Black Friday will likely have built in smart tech. TV’s these days listen to you, anticipate your needs, and some are even watching you while you watch them! So, don’t be a show they’d skip. Turn your life into an interesting and wacky series of events to make sure your TV continues to tune in. Get your kooky neighbor to help you date two people at once, or trick your roommate into jumping a shark over your sofa. Either way your TV will be recommending you to all their smart device friends.

6. Flat or Curved?

A lot of TVs have the curve now, and others are the traditional flat. While both of these options are neat, nothing compares to the TVs that are an absolute right angle.

7. Extended Warranty

A lot of people will tell you the extended warranty is a scam. But look at it this way; technology is an investment. Don’t you want the comfort of knowing that when you pass this TV down to your child in 50 years, once the top soil is scorched and bands of gypsy marauders roam the wasteland, your daughter will be able to bring this heirloom into any burnt out husk of a best buy and get it repaired by the geek CHUDS?

There you have it. Go into this Black Friday armed with the knowledge and confidence to buy your perfect TV. Oh, and PRO TIP, pay the extra money for the power cable. It’s not cheap but it’ll make your new television work so much better.

Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 11.21.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey, Ryan Doris

Hamilton Sequel??

IMG_9535

For the last four years the Broadway musical Hamilton has been rapping its way into theaters across the country. If you’re lucky enough to win an actual lottery and see it, you’ll no doubt recognize the opening song written by the insanely talented Lin Manuel-Miranda. Well, not to be outdone, another Lin(da) is hard at work writing the sequel to the founding fathers’ audiobiography. Have a look at the lyrics to the Hamilton sequel: I’m a Hamilton Also!


KYLE REESE

How does a bastard, orphan, son-of-a Conn-or and a snot kid, dropped in the middle of a bad foster spot in East Los Angeles by providence obnox-i-ous and bothered grow up to be a hero and a martyr?

ATM robber, future soldier without a father, got a lot farther, he got a ro-bot partner, and he was a lot larger, he turned into John’s guarder, by 14 was placed in charge of rescuing his mother.

JOHN CONNOR (FUTURE)

And durin’ while humans were being ruined and losin’ and bruised (up in the future) he moved and kept his guard up. Then a liquid robot came looking to tear his heart up. T-1000 was ready to kill, murder, or manslaughter.

MILES DYSON

An atomic bomb came and devastation reigned on man, see our future drip dripping from the chain (link fence). Put a knife down on the table, connecting it to her brain. And John’s mother carved a phrase, “there’s no fate but what we make”.

DR. SILBERMAN

Well the word got around I said “this girl is insane, man!  Put her in a straight jacket and lock her ass away, man! Take her son away, don’t you let this girl explain.” But humanity rests on your name. What’s your name, girl?

LINDA HAMILTON

Linda Fucking Hamilton.  My name is Linda fucking Hamilton. I was the star of Terminator One. And Judgment Day; Judge-ment Day…

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”…

In T-2…

LINDA HAMILTON

Judge-ment Dayyy!!!!

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) Humanity depends on youuuu. (Humanity depends on you). Don’t ever back down, even though nobody can change tiiiiiiiiime… Whooaa

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) The future’s lookin’ pretty bluuuuee. We know that you weren’t insaaane. But don’t shoot Dyson in the braaainnn, no no!

Don’t shoot him in the the brain.. whooooaaa

T-1000

Tell me have you seen this boy? Call me if you spot him. (beat) Another murder committed by T-1000. I’m made of liquid metal, killing me will be a problem.

TERMINATOR & JOHN

We fought with her.

KYLE REESE

Me, I died for her.

DR. SILBERMAN

Me, I don’t trust her.

JAMES CAMERON

I invented her.

T-1000

And me? I’m the cyborg that shot her.

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

You were the star of Terminator One, and Judgment Day. What’s your name, girl? Linda Fucking Hamilton!


Wow! I can’t believe they made a movie franchise based on time travel, which is completely impossible! Anyway, I am glad to see Linda is still getting work.

Jack Ritchey – 9/20/2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

11 Things To Do At Work That Still Kinda Look Like Work

Work

It’s Friday. Your boss is working from home and you don’t have any deadlines until next month. So… you’re at work, but you have no work. How do you kill all that time at the office while still looking like are doing things so you can justify getting paid for the day? Here’s a few tips!


1) Google Earth – This digital mapping program is a great resource for GIS analysis, directions for business travel, historical overlays, and exploring places you’ll go on vacation then Florida then beaches then other beaches then Hawaii then volcanoes then Pompeii then use Streetview to see if there are still some dead volcano people there.

2) Skype for Business – Use this conferencing tool to ping your coworkers for quick answers or hold remote meetings company-wide. It’s also useful for massive amounts of office gossip, or running an all-day trivia contest with the entire floor. Just be sure not to type anything that contains a less-than symbol next to the number 3, or you’ll accidentally send your boss a heart emoji (and he might not be ready for that yet).

3) Go to the Bathroom – And just sit for a while.

4) Check Stuff Out Guy – Have a walk to the copy room and check stuff out. Pick up a stapler. Neat. Ok, now put that down, then open a cabinet. Everything in there checks out. Ok, have a look at the print cue. Wow, Ian is printing 43 pages, I bet he’s going to do some reading soon. What’s that black thing on the counter? Might as well see if you can spin it like a top. Alright, job well done. Back to the ol’ workdesk.

5) Wikipedia Quest – Log on to Wikipedia to get some quick info on a topic so you can speak to it with the client, but then get lost in the abandoned salt mine that is the “random article” button. Now that you’re reading about Miejska Wieś, the village in Poland and its history in Eastern Prussia, try to get back to the article you started on by clicking only the hyperlinks within each article. (Hint: Prussia > German Unification > Napoleonic Wars. I’m sure you can find your way back to accountant stuff from there)

6) Go to the Kitchenette – And just stand for a while.

7) Excel your Life – Microsoft Excel is the standard for organizing data sheets and sorting information in a clean and efficient way. It’s also the standard for lazy attempts to organize your own life, like tracking your weight loss, creating a personal budget you won’t stick to, or building your own roulette program so you can always win at gambling (which you can!).

8) Giggle at LinkedIn – If you work in HR, you no doubt use LinkedIn on a regular basis to find qualified candidates, but don’t hesitate to also click random profiles and snicker at their pictures and qualifications. This guy added “swords” as a skill, and is wearing a bow tie. (Pro tip: look for other jobs).

9) Do You Have Any Work Voicemails? – No.

10) Set your Fantasy Teams – Most of the halfway-decent fantasy sites like ESPN and CBS are set up with plenty of office-y looking material. Bar graphs, pie charts, expert statistical analysis, and a cash-flow of how your kicker performs over a 10-year holding period. Why if they didn’t know any better, the people walking past your desk might say you’re hard at work, what with all those numbers on your screen!

11) Create a Comedy Satire Website


So there it is, 11 things you can do at work that aren’t work but still kinda look like work. Now get out there and waste your day! And if anybody from Mobilitie is reading this… I’m creating a tracker.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

Updated Images Of The Caravan!

Caravan

 

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

Leave a comment

November 9, 2018 · 2:26 pm

Remember to Vote on November 6th

Well, its that time again. After two years of a truly wild news cycle now is your chance to do something. Go vote, if for no other reason, to reduce all those crazy news alerts that won’t stop popping up on your phone.

Don’t be like this guy, get out and vote!

Research your ballot and find your polling place here.

Ryan Doris, Kevin White, Gregg Roberson & Jack Ritchey – 11.05.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Gregg Roberson, Jack Ritchey, Kevin White, Ryan Doris, Video