Category Archives: Jack Ritchey

Hamilton Sequel??

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For the last four years the Broadway musical Hamilton has been rapping its way into theaters across the country. If you’re lucky enough to win an actual lottery and see it, you’ll no doubt recognize the opening song written by the insanely talented Lin Manuel-Miranda. Well, not to be outdone, another Lin(da) is hard at work writing the sequel to the founding fathers’ audiobiography. Have a look at the lyrics to the Hamilton sequel: I’m a Hamilton Also!


KYLE REESE

How does a bastard, orphan, son-of-a Conn-or and a snot kid, dropped in the middle of a bad foster spot in East Los Angeles by providence obnox-i-ous and bothered grow up to be a hero and a martyr?

ATM robber, future soldier without a father, got a lot farther, he got a ro-bot partner, and he was a lot larger, he turned into John’s guarder, by 14 was placed in charge of rescuing his mother.

JOHN CONNOR (FUTURE)

And durin’ while humans were being ruined and losin’ and bruised (up in the future) he moved and kept his guard up. Then a liquid robot came looking to tear his heart up. T-1000 was ready to kill, murder, or manslaughter.

MILES DYSON

An atomic bomb came and devastation reigned on man, see our future drip dripping from the chain (link fence). Put a knife down on the table, connecting it to her brain. And John’s mother carved a phrase, “there’s no fate but what we make”.

DR. SILBERMAN

Well the word got around I said “this girl is insane, man!  Put her in a straight jacket and lock her ass away, man! Take her son away, don’t you let this girl explain.” But humanity rests on your name. What’s your name, girl?

LINDA HAMILTON

Linda Fucking Hamilton.  My name is Linda fucking Hamilton. I was the star of Terminator One. And Judgment Day; Judge-ment Day…

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”…

In T-2…

LINDA HAMILTON

Judge-ment Dayyy!!!!

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) Humanity depends on youuuu. (Humanity depends on you). Don’t ever back down, even though nobody can change tiiiiiiiiime… Whooaa

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) The future’s lookin’ pretty bluuuuee. We know that you weren’t insaaane. But don’t shoot Dyson in the braaainnn, no no!

Don’t shoot him in the the brain.. whooooaaa

T-1000

Tell me have you seen this boy? Call me if you spot him. (beat) Another murder committed by T-1000. I’m made of liquid metal, killing me will be a problem.

TERMINATOR & JOHN

We fought with her.

KYLE REESE

Me, I died for her.

DR. SILBERMAN

Me, I don’t trust her.

JAMES CAMERON

I invented her.

T-1000

And me? I’m the cyborg that shot her.

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

You were the star of Terminator One, and Judgment Day. What’s your name, girl? Linda Fucking Hamilton!


Wow! I can’t believe they made a movie franchise based on time travel, which is completely impossible! Anyway, I am glad to see Linda is still getting work.

Jack Ritchey – 9/20/2018

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11 Things To Do At Work That Still Kinda Look Like Work

Work

It’s Friday. Your boss is working from home and you don’t have any deadlines until next month. So… you’re at work, but you have no work. How do you kill all that time at the office while still looking like are doing things so you can justify getting paid for the day? Here’s a few tips!


1) Google Earth – This digital mapping program is a great resource for GIS analysis, directions for business travel, historical overlays, and exploring places you’ll go on vacation then Florida then beaches then other beaches then Hawaii then volcanoes then Pompeii then use Streetview to see if there are still some dead volcano people there.

2) Skype for Business – Use this conferencing tool to ping your coworkers for quick answers or hold remote meetings company-wide. It’s also useful for massive amounts of office gossip, or running an all-day trivia contest with the entire floor. Just be sure not to type anything that contains a less-than symbol next to the number 3, or you’ll accidentally send your boss a heart emoji (and he might not be ready for that yet).

3) Go to the Bathroom – And just sit for a while.

4) Check Stuff Out Guy – Have a walk to the copy room and check stuff out. Pick up a stapler. Neat. Ok, now put that down, then open a cabinet. Everything in there checks out. Ok, have a look at the print cue. Wow, Ian is printing 43 pages, I bet he’s going to do some reading soon. What’s that black thing on the counter? Might as well see if you can spin it like a top. Alright, job well done. Back to the ol’ workdesk.

5) Wikipedia Quest – Log on to Wikipedia to get some quick info on a topic so you can speak to it with the client, but then get lost in the abandoned salt mine that is the “random article” button. Now that you’re reading about Miejska Wieś, the village in Poland and its history in Eastern Prussia, try to get back to the article you started on by clicking only the hyperlinks within each article. (Hint: Prussia > German Unification > Napoleonic Wars. I’m sure you can find your way back to accountant stuff from there)

6) Go to the Kitchenette – And just stand for a while.

7) Excel your Life – Microsoft Excel is the standard for organizing data sheets and sorting information in a clean and efficient way. It’s also the standard for lazy attempts to organize your own life, like tracking your weight loss, creating a personal budget you won’t stick to, or building your own roulette program so you can always win at gambling (which you can!).

8) Giggle at LinkedIn – If you work in HR, you no doubt use LinkedIn on a regular basis to find qualified candidates, but don’t hesitate to also click random profiles and snicker at their pictures and qualifications. This guy added “swords” as a skill, and is wearing a bow tie. (Pro tip: look for other jobs).

9) Do You Have Any Work Voicemails? – No.

10) Set your Fantasy Teams – Most of the halfway-decent fantasy sites like ESPN and CBS are set up with plenty of office-y looking material. Bar graphs, pie charts, expert statistical analysis, and a cash-flow of how your kicker performs over a 10-year holding period. Why if they didn’t know any better, the people walking past your desk might say you’re hard at work, what with all those numbers on your screen!

11) Create a Comedy Satire Website


So there it is, 11 things you can do at work that aren’t work but still kinda look like work. Now get out there and waste your day! And if anybody from Mobilitie is reading this… I’m creating a tracker.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

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Updated Images Of The Caravan!

Caravan

 

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

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November 9, 2018 · 2:26 pm

Remember to Vote on November 6th

Well, its that time again. After two years of a truly wild news cycle now is your chance to do something. Go vote, if for no other reason, to reduce all those crazy news alerts that won’t stop popping up on your phone.

Don’t be like this guy, get out and vote!

Research your ballot and find your polling place here.

Ryan Doris, Kevin White, Gregg Roberson & Jack Ritchey – 11.05.2018

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No Particular Reason – Episode 5

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In this episode we examine the tactics behind Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation and the hyper-realistic details in the new video game, Red Dead Redemption 2.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

 

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Father Unimpressed with College-Graduate Son’s Improv Team

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CHICAGO – Watching in horror as his son Devon actually took bows on stage for that, local resident Dale Hershell, 57, reported Thursday that he was seriously unimpressed with his son’s improv team.  “Look, I love my son and I support everything he does, but for fuck’s sake, Devon” said Hershell in between groups, surrounded by other “performers” doing warm-ups. “He graduated DePauw with a business degree.  Did you know that?  He should be a trader by now.  Instead I paid $40,000 a year so he can go up there and act like a fucking giraffe.” Hershell was even less impressed with the venue his son Devon had called a “theater” just two weeks earlier. “What is this, like a burned out church? Why are there stained glass windows in here?” At press time Devon’s hopes were higher than ever, making serious comments about joining MadTV and becoming the next Will Sasso, while his father silently drove back to Barrington, shaking his head and wondering “what if”.

Jack Ritchey – 10.4.2018

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Kavanaugh’s 2018 Calendar

This week, in an effort to defend himself against several (accurate) accusations of past sexual misconduct, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh offered up a copy of his 1982 high school calendar for the public to scrutinize.

And while Dr. Christine Ford bravely retold her traumatic encounter with the suspected predator in front of Congress and the world, Kavanaugh offered an alibi in the form of some old trash he expected us to rifle through.

Well, we at Waxing Humorous actually got our hands on Kavanaugh’s calendar for this month! And needless to say, it’s a bit more telling. See for yourself.

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Wow, dude’s had a busy September! I don’t know about you, but I sure wonder what he got his mom for her birthday!

Also fuck this guy!

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 09/27/2018

 

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