Category Archives: Jack Ritchey

President Orders Flags At Full Mast To Honor 24 Hours With No Mass Shootings

The American Flag being raised at Penn State's Old Main lawn.

WASHINGTON – With a somber tone noting the rarity of such an occasion, Friday President Trump chose to honor one full 24-hour period where no mass shooting occurred by ordering flags be flown at full mast. “This is a unique occasion, so to pay our respects and honor to this day [sic], I’m ordering the America flag be flown at full mast, all the way up to the tops of the flag poles,” the President tweeted, adding that his thoughts and prayers are with all of the people who did not get slaughtered by gunfire in the United States over the past day and evening. “All year long while the flags are regularly flown at half mast, we will be reminded of these 24-hours, and how uncommon and beautiful each one of them was.” At press time there is no word on where the flags will be flown tomorrow.

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

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President Marks Veteran’s Day By Pardoning One Lucky Prisoner Of War

Trump Vets

GUANTANAMO BAY – In a light-hearted ceremony in front of several soft chuckling photographers and an elementary school group today, President Trump cheerfully marked Veteran’s Day by pardoning one lucky prisoner of war. “On this solemn day we take time to honor and respect the brave men and women who volunteered, and died, to fight for the country they love. But this particular soldier won’t end up on anyone’s table tonight,” joked the President over the prisoner’s desperate pleas in his foreign tongue, as guards lowered him down from the gallows in front of the American flag. “This is the biggest, most tender and juicy war criminal we have in our custody, and by granting him a pardon it’s a message to all the other combatants out there that we will win no matter what. So get outta here! Next time you won’t be so lucky!” The Commander-in-Chief then removed the man’s hood and slapped him on his naked ass, sending him running off aimless and hungry into the dense Cuban jungle.

Jack Ritchey – 11.12.2018

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NOG HOG! – A No Particular Reason Christmas Special

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No Particular Reason takes a break from the headlines to bring you a delightful holiday treat: NOG HOG! Hosts Kevin and Emily take you on a journey through the history of that classic Christmas drink, Eggnog! So, make an appointment with your cardiologist and get ready to gulp down some nog, you hog!

Kevin White, Emily Galati, Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 12.23.2018

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7 Tips for Buying a TV on Black Friday

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Welp you’ve crushed piles of beige food and pulled yourself out of that deep turkey coma in the wee small hours of the morning to go wait in line in the frigid late November weather. All in the hope of stomping some necks and snagging the best deal of the year on the nicest tv around. But not every Black Friday deal is worth it and not every tv is created equal. So, know before you go, here are SEVEN things to look for when shopping for a TV this Black Friday.

1. Resolution

Ultra HD, 4K, BLUR-Vision, who can keep up? But it’s important to know, it’s not how good your tv looks when you buy it but more importantly if your tv makes a promise to improve itself in the coming year. Lose some weight, read more, or anything to let you know its not just going to lay around and watch itself all day.

2. Price

You’re going to see a lot of deals out there that seem too good to be true, and many will be. $200 for a 72 inch 4K smart TV?! Go fuck a dog, you liar! But what that price tag isn’t showing you is all the other hidden costs lumped in with your brand new set. Make sure you budget for all your soon to be needed diet pills and therapy sessions for your child’s abandonment issues.

3. Size

When it comes to watching the big game or that new blockbuster movie, size really does matter. Before you buy, make sure to check the size of the TVs dick.

4. Is it Right for You?

With so many TV’s out there how do you know which one is right for you? Well, it’s important to know if you can see yourself in the TV. I mean, truly see yourself. In those brief moments of nothingness, as the channels change, who is reflected back in the black mirror looming before you? Is it you? “It doesn’t look like me. That person is so old… How long have I been sitting here?”

5. Smart Tech

Every TV on sale this Black Friday will likely have built in smart tech. TV’s these days listen to you, anticipate your needs, and some are even watching you while you watch them! So, don’t be a show they’d skip. Turn your life into an interesting and wacky series of events to make sure your TV continues to tune in. Get your kooky neighbor to help you date two people at once, or trick your roommate into jumping a shark over your sofa. Either way your TV will be recommending you to all their smart device friends.

6. Flat or Curved?

A lot of TVs have the curve now, and others are the traditional flat. While both of these options are neat, nothing compares to the TVs that are an absolute right angle.

7. Extended Warranty

A lot of people will tell you the extended warranty is a scam. But look at it this way; technology is an investment. Don’t you want the comfort of knowing that when you pass this TV down to your child in 50 years, once the top soil is scorched and bands of gypsy marauders roam the wasteland, your daughter will be able to bring this heirloom into any burnt out husk of a best buy and get it repaired by the geek CHUDS?

There you have it. Go into this Black Friday armed with the knowledge and confidence to buy your perfect TV. Oh, and PRO TIP, pay the extra money for the power cable. It’s not cheap but it’ll make your new television work so much better.

Ryan Doris & Jack Ritchey – 11.21.2018

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Hamilton Sequel??

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For the last four years the Broadway musical Hamilton has been rapping its way into theaters across the country. If you’re lucky enough to win an actual lottery and see it, you’ll no doubt recognize the opening song written by the insanely talented Lin Manuel-Miranda. Well, not to be outdone, another Lin(da) is hard at work writing the sequel to the founding fathers’ audiobiography. Have a look at the lyrics to the Hamilton sequel: I’m a Hamilton Also!


KYLE REESE

How does a bastard, orphan, son-of-a Conn-or and a snot kid, dropped in the middle of a bad foster spot in East Los Angeles by providence obnox-i-ous and bothered grow up to be a hero and a martyr?

ATM robber, future soldier without a father, got a lot farther, he got a ro-bot partner, and he was a lot larger, he turned into John’s guarder, by 14 was placed in charge of rescuing his mother.

JOHN CONNOR (FUTURE)

And durin’ while humans were being ruined and losin’ and bruised (up in the future) he moved and kept his guard up. Then a liquid robot came looking to tear his heart up. T-1000 was ready to kill, murder, or manslaughter.

MILES DYSON

An atomic bomb came and devastation reigned on man, see our future drip dripping from the chain (link fence). Put a knife down on the table, connecting it to her brain. And John’s mother carved a phrase, “there’s no fate but what we make”.

DR. SILBERMAN

Well the word got around I said “this girl is insane, man!  Put her in a straight jacket and lock her ass away, man! Take her son away, don’t you let this girl explain.” But humanity rests on your name. What’s your name, girl?

LINDA HAMILTON

Linda Fucking Hamilton.  My name is Linda fucking Hamilton. I was the star of Terminator One. And Judgment Day; Judge-ment Day…

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”… (Judge-ment Day)

New film you still say “I’ll be back”…

In T-2…

LINDA HAMILTON

Judge-ment Dayyy!!!!

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) Humanity depends on youuuu. (Humanity depends on you). Don’t ever back down, even though nobody can change tiiiiiiiiime… Whooaa

Linda Fucking Hamilton! (Linda Fucking Hamilton!) The future’s lookin’ pretty bluuuuee. We know that you weren’t insaaane. But don’t shoot Dyson in the braaainnn, no no!

Don’t shoot him in the the brain.. whooooaaa

T-1000

Tell me have you seen this boy? Call me if you spot him. (beat) Another murder committed by T-1000. I’m made of liquid metal, killing me will be a problem.

TERMINATOR & JOHN

We fought with her.

KYLE REESE

Me, I died for her.

DR. SILBERMAN

Me, I don’t trust her.

JAMES CAMERON

I invented her.

T-1000

And me? I’m the cyborg that shot her.

ROBOT WAR SOLDIERS

You were the star of Terminator One, and Judgment Day. What’s your name, girl? Linda Fucking Hamilton!


Wow! I can’t believe they made a movie franchise based on time travel, which is completely impossible! Anyway, I am glad to see Linda is still getting work.

Jack Ritchey – 9/20/2018

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Updated Images Of The Caravan!

Caravan

 

Jack Ritchey – 11.9.2018

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November 9, 2018 · 2:26 pm

Remember to Vote on November 6th

Well, its that time again. After two years of a truly wild news cycle now is your chance to do something. Go vote, if for no other reason, to reduce all those crazy news alerts that won’t stop popping up on your phone.

Don’t be like this guy, get out and vote!

Research your ballot and find your polling place here.

Ryan Doris, Kevin White, Gregg Roberson & Jack Ritchey – 11.05.2018

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Filed under Gregg Roberson, Jack Ritchey, Kevin White, Ryan Doris, Video