Category Archives: Jack Ritchey

Kavanaugh’s 2018 Calendar

This week, in an effort to defend himself against several (accurate) accusations of past sexual misconduct, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh offered up a copy of his 1982 high school calendar for the public to scrutinize.

And while Dr. Christine Ford bravely retold her traumatic encounter with the suspected predator in front of Congress and the world, Kavanaugh offered an alibi in the form of some old trash he expected us to rifle through.

Well, we at Waxing Humorous actually got our hands on Kavanaugh’s calendar for this month! And needless to say, it’s a bit more telling. See for yourself.

untitled_artwork-2.jpg

Wow, dude’s had a busy September! I don’t know about you, but I sure wonder what he got his mom for her birthday!

Also fuck this guy!

Jack Ritchey & Ryan Doris – 09/27/2018

 

1 Comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey, Ryan Doris

No Particular Reason – Episode 4

NPRLogo104

In this episode we discuss protesting in America and we get a sneak peak of a new blockbuster movie franchise of biblical proportions.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris

Seven Kettlebell Exercises That Will Make You Look Like A Fucking Jackass

best-kettlebell-exercises

Hey, look at you! You bought a kettlebell! You must really be ready to do some exercises and be a professional olympian! Well, ok then, asshat. Since you are suddenly so god damn interested in some “dynamic” garbage workouts that challenge your coordination while annoying everyone else at the gym, let’s get you started with these seven kettlebell exercises that are sure to make you look like the fucking jackass you are!

  1. Punch Through – Feet shoulder-width apart. Hold the bell in your right hand and punch forward in a straight line. This symbolizes the punches to your dumb face you deserve for thinking you need a kettlebell to work out.
  2. Jumpies – Feet feet-width apart. Use a resistance band to tie the bell firmly around your ankles, then jump off the nearest bridge into a lake or river, and consider how you wasted your fucking life as you struggle stay afloat. (Just like Aladdin!) 
  3. Face – Shoulders feet-width apart. With your face, be an annoying twerp. Repeat.
  4. Bounce Dance – Have feet. Hold the bell up over your stupid brains. Once you inevitably realize your own horrible decisions, drop it on the ground, leave it there, walk away, and go running on a treadmill or something you idiot. 
  5. Homeland Security – Tape some loose string to the side of a kettlebell, then pack it into your luggage and attempt to fly from Chicago Midway to Asheville, North Carolina. Once the TSA sees the cartoon bomb in your carry-on, not only will they know what a fucking brainless child you are, you’ll burn extra calories as you sweat with embarrassment for holding up the security line. (You’re the asshole!)
  6. Nobody Likes You – Using your hands, pick up a kettlebell. Now nobody likes you.
  7. Pack It In – Feet inside your mouth. Paint a smiley face onto a kettlebell. Then, using both hands, remove your own unused head from your neck and replace it with the kettlebell-face you’ve created. Not only will everyone like you more (because it has a better personality than you), but also you’ll be dead, so fuck you.

There we go, you jerk! Seven kettlebell exercises that are guaranteed to make you look like a stupid dumb jackass. Did your goon-dick idea of a workout make it on our list? No? Who fucking cares! Now get out there, and change who you are, dingus.

Jack Ritchey – 6.18.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

No Particular Reason – Episode 3

NPR_Logo

In this episode we investigate the use of smart tech in classrooms and the science behind the infamous “Yanni or Laurel” internet debate.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris

LEAKED: Walmart Kid’s Grand ole Opry Set List!

Get out your boot-scootin’-boots, grab your partner, and promenade! Because after sending the internet into a coma with his unstoppably cute rendition of Hank Williams’ Lovesick Blues,  “Walmart Kid” Mason Ramsey is going to perform at the Grand Ole Opry! And while you’re getting your blue jeans off the line and trying to remember how to tie a bowtie (it’s supposed to look messy), we at WaxingHumorous got our hands on a leaked set list tucked into the third row of Mrs. Ramsey’s station wagon. We can’t wait to hear his adorable voice take on these tunes!

Set list

Dang. I guess that kid really likes Lovesick Blues. Well congrats, Mason! It’s kinda nice when the internet actually makes you smile, right?

 

Jack Ritchey – 4.13.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

Exhausted God Swamped By Another Flood Of Thoughts And Prayers

hands-2168901_1920

HEAVEN – Dropping his almighty head onto the white marble desk out of frustration and looking up at the clock striking 6:34pm, sources have confirmed today that an exhausted God has been once again swamped by another new flood of thoughts and prayers.  “Son of a bitch, are you kidding me? All these shootings are a huge pain in my ass. I feel like I am funneling through the same moments of silence and heartfelt outpours every goddamn month over here” wined the exasperated omniscient deity, adding that he may have to work overtime to sift through the millions of people sharing the same themed facebook profile filter. “I’m so sick of this shit. If a bunch of people die tragically, you all should do something to stop it. Don’t just give me a bunch of busy work. I can’t get around to answering your actual prayers if you all keep killing each other” At press time God could be seen starting to close his laptop and head out for the evening when he suddenly received another CNN breaking news alert.

Jack Ritchey – 2.15.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

Area Fascist Starting To Feel Discriminated Against

Fascist

COLLEGE STATION, TX – Gazing in offense at the comments on his Facebook wall while wearing a confederate flag bandanna, sources have confirmed Tuesday that area fascist and white nationalist Tyler Seabaugh is starting to feel a little sad and discriminated against. “I don’t understand. I only wanna normalize hatred with violent rhetoric and maintain my power through institutionalized racism, and people are kinda being jerks about it,” sputtered a forlorn Seabaugh, adding that it has been months since he has been able to angrily intimidate or suppress another class of citizens without feeling like people are against him. “I should get to live my regular life without threat of physical harm, systemic prejudice, or ignorant bias. Just like a normal, everyday nazi.” As of press time Seabaugh sought to connect with other fascists in his area so they could judge others for their skin color and loathe people based on their beliefs in a spirit of peace.

Jack Ritchey – 2.7.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

No Particular Reason – Episode 2

NPR_Logo_102In this episode we investigate the use of monkeys in scientific research and we find out what it’s like to write for the Commander in Chief from former Presidential speech writer Dale Finson.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Expect, ya know, to make fun of it.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris

Local Dolt Confounded By Unfamiliar Shower

ShowerPORTLAND, ME – Shivering naked and frustrated as he misused the wrong knobs, a local dolt was reportedly confounded by the perfectly reasonable shower controls at his Airbnb this weekend. “I put the left turny-job all the way to red, and I pulled up the doohickey, but how do I get hot water to come out up top?” asked the dingus as he struggled to grasp the intricacies of the $50 dollar rig, adding that the professionally designed fixture which can be purchased at any Home Depot was far too complicated for anybody to ever comprehend. “You got this right thingy that makes bath water go, but then there’s a middle guy that won’t turn. Nobody in the world would understand a shower like this!” At press time the numbskull could be seen soaking wet and rummaging through kitchen drawers looking for a bath towel.

Jack Ritchey – 1.23.2018

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey

No Particular Reason – Episode 1

NPR_Logo

https://www.podbean.com/media/player/vabyw-a2d660?from=yiiadmin&download=1&version=1&skin=1&btn-skin=107&auto=0&download=1

The first episode of Waxing Humorous’ sister radio program, No Particular Reason.

(Not affiliated with National Public Radio in any way. Except, ya know, to make fun of it.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Jack Ritchey, No Particular Reason, Podcast, Ryan Doris