waxinghumorous

After a friend confided that his girlfriend always starts reciting poetry when she climaxes (specifically, Lewis Carroll’s Jabbarwocky) I began to wonder just how unusual this kind of behavior is. So I asked my Facebook pals, “Have you ever had a partner who said or did something similarly odd or unexpected at that particular moment?

Their responses?

• “I laugh when I come. But I would never recite poetry.”
• “I once blurted out the name of baseball player Bob Aspromonte.”
• “A frat brother of mine could easily be heard by everyone on the dorm floor yelling ‘United States Marine Corps!'”
• “Sometimes I shout “Whoa Dogs!” I have no idea why.”
• “I hooked up with a guy once who, when he climaxed, shouted, ‘THANK YOU EVERYBODY, DON’T FORGET TO TRY THE FOCACCIA BREAD!'”
• “I once dated a dude who liked to call out the model and color of the cars he was planning on owning in the future.”
• “I’ve been known to start reciting Shakespeare. But only when I’m really drunk.”
• “I swear when I come. Does that count?”
• “I tend to go with the last few words of Ulysses.”
• “My first college girlfriend always started hollering in Italian when she was in the throes. I thought it was sexy, even though I had no idea what she was saying.”
• “About 3 years ago, my best friend hooked up with a guy who yelled, ‘ITS-A ME, MARIO!’ when he finished.”
• “Poetry? No way. Just heavy breathing, a long sigh, then snoring.”
• “I once had a one night stand with a guy who yelled ‘OH GRANDMA’ right before climaxing. (Which is one of the reasons it remained a one night stand.)”
• “I usually say ‘I love you.’ How unoriginal is that? (But my wife doesn’t seem to mind.)”

Do you emit a simple “I love you?” Or do you start proclaiming the Gettysburg address? Please tell us all about it in the Comments section!

Roz Warren – 11.14.2018.

Roz Warren (RosalindWarren.com) writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times.

A librarian pal recently posted the following question on a Facebook group for librarians: “If there were a sign that prohibited the craziest, oddest or grossest thing that has happened at your library, what would it say?”

If you think libraries are serene and uneventful places to work, their answers might surprise you:

• No pulling your pants down and pretending to poop on our American flag.
• Don’t get down on your hands and knees, pretend that you’re a dog and have your friends chase you around the Quiet Reading Room.
• Don’t lie down on the floor, pull out your penis and waggle it at old ladies.
• No suicide attempts at the multimedia desk.
• Please do not ask library staff if we are wearing black pantyhose.
• Please bandage all head wounds before using library-owned headphones.
• Please take your dildos with you when you leave.
• No defecating in books by authors whose political views you oppose.
• Do not return our books in “sticky” condition.
• Paperback spinners are not urinals.
• Please do not remove your clothing.
• No weapons, even if they are antique.
• No masturbating in front of the nuns.
• No masturbating on female patrons from the mezzanine.
• Don’t clip your toenails over the computer keyboards.
• People who leave wet, partially chewed piles of sunflower seeds on our book shelves will be taken out and shot.
• Please do not pay library fines with money you’ve just pulled out of your underwear.
• No sex in the bathroom.
• No taking photos of women’s feet under the tables.
• Don’t call the reference desk and ask the librarian if you can suck her boobs.
• The public use microwave shall not be used to cook squirrel.

If you wouldn’t think of doing any of these things in a library? I’d like to thank you on behalf of library workers everywhere. And if you were about to head over to the library to take a few sneaky feet photos, strip and then cook up some roadkill?

Better think twice. We’re onto you.

Roz Warren – 10/21/2018

(Roz Warren www.rosalindwarren.com is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR http://ow.ly/LpFgE,)