waxinghumorous

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO – Putting up a newly purchased “For Rent” sign in front of the suburban duplex and callously ripping down the “Police Line Do Not Cross” tape, area landlord Chuck Growronski was reportedly relieved that his former tenant decided to use the garage as the site to murder his entire family. “This is a beautiful 2,600 square-foot unit with soundproof walls, and you got a railing overlooking the den, so what I’m saying is the guy had options. But now I don’t gotta paint, or shampoo carpets, or spackle any bullet holes. A real model tenant.” grinned Growronski, adding that the epoxy garage floor coating seals in heat during the winter and makes cleaning up blood stains a breeze. “I’m gunna lease this baby up fully-furnished. It’s already got a TV, bedroom, clothes, food in the fridge, a dog, and an adorable little nursery.” At press time the former resident could not be reached for comment, and was last seen at a truck stop on Route 30 wearing a black cap and jean jacket.

Jack Ritchey – 12.5.2017

GOLDEN, CO–With the goal of improving drinkers’ comfort and accuracy, Miller-Coors has announced plans to sell Coors Light in a new easy-to-use, semi-automatic assault can, complete with a soft grip, sturdy frame, and mountains that turn blue once the safety is off. “This new lightweight assault-style can ensures each Silver Bullet® hits its target with power and efficiency. The ‘target’ in this case is your liver” said CEO Dale Bernard, adding that the new cans will be available anywhere beer is sold with a valid state ID and a quick mental-health check. “Beer is an American tradition, and we support protecting our 21st Amendment rights. And if the Big Brother federal government wants to take away our right to drink a delicious Coors Light, they can come get it from my cold, refreshed hands!” Bernard ended the press conference with a quiet reminder that drinkers should only shoot beers directly into their mouths responsibly.

Jack Ritchey – 9.14.2017

ISLA NUBLAR, CR—Citing its outdated, sun-bleached displays and its unfavorable location between the Velociraptors and venom-spitting Dilophosaurus, sources confirmed Thursday that Jurassic Park has permanently closed the incredibly underwhelming “Rawr! Troodons!” exhibit, and plans to release its collection back into the wild. “Initially ‘Troodons’ was designed to give a fun, educational take on prehistoric bird-life, with goofy live shows and wacky science experiments, but our funding is drying up and those resources have to be reserved for the park’s more popular attractions, like all the dinosaurs that are actually worth a tit,” said Park Ranger Ray Arnold, adding that recently the only visitors to the aging exhibit have been highschoolers who have snuck away from their field trips to smoke drugs and make out. “I mean we have a Tyrannosaurus Rex that killed a couple guys, and a giant water monster thing that eats whales. People just don’t care about the prehistoric migrating habits of a bunch of lame-dick peacocks.” At press time, park officials reported that the closed exhibit hall will likely be converted into yet another storage warehouse for flares.

“Yeah, look at that goon-ass dinosaur. That’s a Troodon. Fucking ridiculous” – Ray Arnold, Park Ranger

Jack Ritchey – 8.30.2017

Today, Steve Bannon was ousted as the President’s Chief Strategist. Before he goes, we wanted to share one of our fondest memories of Mr. Bannon’s time in the White House.

WASHINGTON—Noting the former Breitbart editor’s flare for unpredictability, and the efficient use of his razor-sharp tusks, sources confirmed Tuesday that a school group on a White House tour was completely surprised when Steve Bannon made an unannounced appearance to greet the youngsters, and skin four students alive for his personal harvest. “You could see the shock on their faces and hear the blood-freezing terror in their screams as Mr. Bannon took time out of his busy strategy sessions to interact with members of the public,” said tour guide Nancy Hersmann, adding that having a senior White House staffer like Mr. Bannon surprise people on a tour, then monstrously disembowel them to replenish his own false human covering, is a rare occurrence. “I introduced the President’s Chief Strategist to the whole group over his snarls and unholy demands for their skin, and helped take pictures as Mr. Bannon smiled and even shook some hands. He then used his second row of teeth to remove those hands from the poor god-forsaken dead who dared to touch him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the students who met Mr. Bannon, and managed to escape his inexorable need to conceal his scales with the skin of children, consider themselves to be very lucky.

Jack Ritchey – 8.18.2017