Category Archives: Jack Ritchey

PORTLAND, ME – Shivering naked and frustrated as he misused the wrong knobs, a local dolt was reportedly confounded by the perfectly reasonable shower controls at his Airbnb this weekend. “I put the left turny-job all the way to red, and I pulled up the doohickey, but how do I get hot water to come out up top?” asked the dingus as he struggled to grasp the intricacies of the $50 dollar rig, adding that the professionally designed fixture which can be purchased at any Home Depot was far too complicated for anybody to ever comprehend. “You got this right thingy that makes bath water go, but then there’s a middle guy that won’t turn. Nobody in the world would understand a shower like this!” At press time the numbskull could be seen soaking wet and rummaging through kitchen drawers looking for a bath towel.

Jack Ritchey – 1.23.2018

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO – Putting up a newly purchased “For Rent” sign in front of the suburban duplex and callously ripping down the “Police Line Do Not Cross” tape, area landlord Chuck Growronski was reportedly relieved that his former tenant decided to use the garage as the site to murder his entire family. “This is a beautiful 2,600 square-foot unit with soundproof walls, and you got a railing overlooking the den, so what I’m saying is the guy had options. But now I don’t gotta paint, or shampoo carpets, or spackle any bullet holes. A real model tenant.” grinned Growronski, adding that the epoxy garage floor coating seals in heat during the winter and makes cleaning up blood stains a breeze. “I’m gunna lease this baby up fully-furnished. It’s already got a TV, bedroom, clothes, food in the fridge, a dog, and an adorable little nursery.” At press time the former resident could not be reached for comment, and was last seen at a truck stop on Route 30 wearing a black cap and jean jacket.

Jack Ritchey – 12.5.2017

GOLDEN, CO–With the goal of improving drinkers’ comfort and accuracy, Miller-Coors has announced plans to sell Coors Light in a new easy-to-use, semi-automatic assault can, complete with a soft grip, sturdy frame, and mountains that turn blue once the safety is off. “This new lightweight assault-style can ensures each Silver Bullet® hits its target with power and efficiency. The ‘target’ in this case is your liver” said CEO Dale Bernard, adding that the new cans will be available anywhere beer is sold with a valid state ID and a quick mental-health check. “Beer is an American tradition, and we support protecting our 21st Amendment rights. And if the Big Brother federal government wants to take away our right to drink a delicious Coors Light, they can come get it from my cold, refreshed hands!” Bernard ended the press conference with a quiet reminder that drinkers should only shoot beers directly into their mouths responsibly.

Jack Ritchey – 9.14.2017

ISLA NUBLAR, CR—Citing its outdated, sun-bleached displays and its unfavorable location between the Velociraptors and venom-spitting Dilophosaurus, sources confirmed Thursday that Jurassic Park has permanently closed the incredibly underwhelming “Rawr! Troodons!” exhibit, and plans to release its collection back into the wild. “Initially ‘Troodons’ was designed to give a fun, educational take on prehistoric bird-life, with goofy live shows and wacky science experiments, but our funding is drying up and those resources have to be reserved for the park’s more popular attractions, like all the dinosaurs that are actually worth a tit,” said Park Ranger Ray Arnold, adding that recently the only visitors to the aging exhibit have been highschoolers who have snuck away from their field trips to smoke drugs and make out. “I mean we have a Tyrannosaurus Rex that killed a couple guys, and a giant water monster thing that eats whales. People just don’t care about the prehistoric migrating habits of a bunch of lame-dick peacocks.” At press time, park officials reported that the closed exhibit hall will likely be converted into yet another storage warehouse for flares.

“Yeah, look at that goon-ass dinosaur. That’s a Troodon. Fucking ridiculous” – Ray Arnold, Park Ranger

Jack Ritchey – 8.30.2017

Today, Steve Bannon was ousted as the President’s Chief Strategist. Before he goes, we wanted to share one of our fondest memories of Mr. Bannon’s time in the White House.

WASHINGTON—Noting the former Breitbart editor’s flare for unpredictability, and the efficient use of his razor-sharp tusks, sources confirmed Tuesday that a school group on a White House tour was completely surprised when Steve Bannon made an unannounced appearance to greet the youngsters, and skin four students alive for his personal harvest. “You could see the shock on their faces and hear the blood-freezing terror in their screams as Mr. Bannon took time out of his busy strategy sessions to interact with members of the public,” said tour guide Nancy Hersmann, adding that having a senior White House staffer like Mr. Bannon surprise people on a tour, then monstrously disembowel them to replenish his own false human covering, is a rare occurrence. “I introduced the President’s Chief Strategist to the whole group over his snarls and unholy demands for their skin, and helped take pictures as Mr. Bannon smiled and even shook some hands. He then used his second row of teeth to remove those hands from the poor god-forsaken dead who dared to touch him.” At press time, sources confirmed that the students who met Mr. Bannon, and managed to escape his inexorable need to conceal his scales with the skin of children, consider themselves to be very lucky.

Jack Ritchey – 8.18.2017

WASHINGTON – While haphazardly fishing for another Lime-a-rita in coolers at rooftop parties all across America this weekend, millions of the nation’s buddies proudly divulged that they are thinking about getting a ping pong table. “Yeah, now that we’ve cleared that old couch out of the basement I’m thinking about turning it into kindof a man cave. Ya know – ping pong, darts, maybe a beer fridge. You gunna come check it out after it’s done?” asked Jeffs, Dans, and Ians from coast to coast, adding that you should really come check it out after it’s done. “I started looking on craigslist to try and find an old school arcade machine. Like that KISS pin-ball machine? Or maybe some blacklight posters. That would be rad. So you gunna come check it out?” At press time sources were unable to confirm if any of the buddies have run these plans by the nation’s wives.

Jack Ritchey – 7.25.2017

EDINA, MN—While exploring the various ways they might have planned it ahead of time, possibly through text messages early this morning or a late-night meeting, sources have confirmed that Tuesday the whole office was abuzz after employees Bridgette Marks and Shelby Levi accidentally wore somewhat similar outfits to work, all to the widespread hilarity of their fellow coworkers. “I took the elevator with Bridgette this morning and thought everything was fine, but then I saw Shelby in the hall, and I was like ‘wait a minute, a green checkered shirt and blue jeans?’ then I realized what happened, and my world was filled with uncontrollable delight” said Linda Gavin from HR, adding that as part of the gut-busting hysteria, both Shelby and Bridgette wear dark framed glasses on a regular basis, so even their faces were dressed alike. “We all had a meeting at 8:30, and as soon as they walked in somebody yelled out ‘twinning’, and I swear to God the whole room just imploded with raucous laughs. I was like ‘this is why I just love coming to work here. The fun we have’.” Sources confirmed that the event skyrocketed into comedy infamy when Gavin, who was not wearing a green checkered shirt or blue jeans, confidently asserted that she had not gotten the memo.

Jack Ritchey – 7.19.2017